Livin' La Vida London!

The 7 Loves in 21 Letters.

2009-06-22T12:28:00.010+01:00

Humility Undone!

2008-11-20T23:41:00.009Z

There are days when no one but He can offer me solace. It has been a trying week, and with all the people I've seen in the last couple of days, no one noticed the cracks. It is an imperfect mask I wear perfectly. Friends are always quick to love the fun-loving Leonine that often the less outlandish (albeit most substantial) traits I possess are dismissed with a bat of an eyelash. No worries. I answer only to Him. And as long as He sees, I know I'm all good.

Everyone sees my obvious strength (in stature, in speech and in deed) yet they fail to see how I became this infallible force of femme intimidation. It all comes from one thing I value above all- my faith. It wasn't something I was born with and certainly isn't genetic. In all honesty, it took awhile for me to get here- but I am where I am because He came through for me despite everything. The unconditionality of His love reminds me that humility, above all things, should take precedent in TW&D.

A couple of days ago, I found myself lost in Greenbelt with an hour of leisure to twiddle with. I walked to Starbucks and had a cup of coffee and made my way to the new GB5, when I heard singing. Not a lot of people know that I am a sucker for mass songs. (I am!!!) And nothing brings me more peace than being inside a place of worship. This is my me-time with the Father. Hearing a Filipino mass song brought back a memory and I immediately turned...and remembered.

This same chapel that I went to almost 2 years ago. I wasn't a prayerful person then, and I went in because I didn't know where else to go. I was just so tired of my life.

I went in...and prayed. And asked. I was surprised that I didn't even have a prayer as I entered His home. I wasn't a bad person to start with, but my spirituality was crying to be found. It was a desperation that I had no clue if I was coming or going. I was stuck. Latent. In limbo. And I went in sans the trimmings of a well-presented Catholic with a prayer already in mind. Was it blind faith? Maybe.

But that was the singular thing that brought me where I am now. I am not fumbling anymore and I am humbled by how I got to where I am. Almost 2 years ago, a completely different person walked out of this beautiful chapel.

And since then, I've tried consistently to do good. Good people will always do good things. And despite the fact that good people get stuck in bad scenarios, they will always get the chance to make it right again. Believe you me, I am far from perfect, but in my way, I try to live each day with a sense of fun, humility and good sense (you just have to tweak and vary them depending on the situation!) I always try to steer clear of the "if everyone's doing it, then why can't I?" mindset. I don't think that would bring me even an ounce of happiness. Yet I try to do so with the fervent hope that my good intentions will shine through each random act. Admittedly, with the 'what you see is what you get' vibe I give off, there are a few things that I don't disclose at face value. More than a trust issue, I would say it is unresolved as of the present time and will need more time to unfold. There are some storylines that need happy endings to come full circle-- this is what makes the whole disclosure of a not-so beautiful experience beautiful. I don't set out to hide things as it isn't in my nature, but I don't reveal them until I feel comfortable enough to share a very private part of my life as I've come to know it.

I always tell people that I'm a good girl with bad habits, but it isn't entirely true (nor entirely false, come to that...). I am eternally quixotic and an ardent believer in happy endings. There is goodness in everyone. And now, more than ever, I believe that when something is lost, an infinitely better gift will find its way to you. God is always willing to give. You just have to be willing to receive. This is His grace. Forever living. Forever shining.

Yes, when there are days that no one but He can calm my inner demons, I do the innately simple act: I surrender.

loving men

2008-10-27T09:58:00.026Z

(wo-hooo...such an easy thang to do...)

One of the salacious observations I've seen in human nature that drives me absolutely livid is how imagination runs amok because of their penchant for cheesmax. [Laos.] Wrongful use of the brainstorm time & unnecessary pooling of brain waves. What should be a simple case of "Ok." becomes a string of [mis]information, awry fishing expeditions resulting in frenzied vooollsheet [with matching ubo].

Astutely sad yet true- Do 9 out of 10 things right and the hoi polloi will fixate on the 1 thing wrong. It's always the minimal misdemeanor that runs free where tongues of fire are concerned. Life's a bloomin' onion sometimes. It just brings tears (laughter/happiness and woe amongst others) to your eyes.

Pro'ly the singular reason why I'm AT peace. Such a real estate cliche'. Location, location, location. Far from wagging tongues- sort of being in a Cast Away-inspired set providing for social interaction at the behest of the lone star. Standard of living so high survival concept couldn't be missed. Money being the harbinger of sustenance and Maslow's Basics comes and goes till it comes again (don't get me started on council tax whingeing), plus character's battery acid has withstood trials to sawa that even recycling won't do. All's well that ends well. I've dealt with my soulitaire cards as I put them down. On my table in my own time on my initiative. I am the boss of me. Twas here that I made ME my numero uno fan.

Late realization that was late but appreciated for its impeccable timing!
. . . . . .

You Rolex...Me Ikepod!

Chatted casually with J today. Of same ethnic throng, but oceans apart in mindset and demeanor. He's the gold diamond studded Rolex and I'm the Ikepod with all the bright and complicated dials. I cater to the niche market. [Right...] I have known this friend for a decade. Hmm...J is a bit of a brag who will claim he can walk his millionnaire talk. I dare not disagree. Flaunt it as you choose (although cooler when you don't.) Anyone would be impressed upon initial ocular inspection of J. I don't mind braggarts as the conversations make for fun tea-time tat. As long as they ain't rude, condescending and matapobre, I can string along. The business savvy of his kind are unparalleled. The angel's in the minute details.

He's 老扳［lao ban］（aka C.O.O. =Child Of Owner） of a family-owned agri-business (typical!), wears ONLY designer (di daw sha nagfa-fake), plays golf, wears THE watch and drives THE car and lives THE darn good life. He eats only in expensive restaurants and has probably never had to wash anything but his ass in the entirety of his existence. (It is humbling perspective, isn't it, that no matter what kind of shoes you walk in, you still go to the toilet.) End of the day, dude checks out! That's the prototypical Tsinoy for you. Very familiar stirrings of the prototype I fell for some light years ago. Ouch!

I digress... chat buzz ala J, accompanied by a preoccupation of packing and a glass of red...said he heard that I shall be homebound. "We should see each other." Of course. Who wouldn't want to see all the friendly faces one can muster in a fortnight before brandishing the plane tix that takes me back to Big Ben?

The 90-sec catching up all done, he then starts asking questions about relationships. Ahh. For some unflailing reason, friends think my lovelife is loverly than it really is. If I remember accurately, the last time J & I spoke about this was over beer and chow when I was a rough-and-tumble man-hater with a mission for spewing forgettable expletives unbecoming of a lady.

So Chicken Little fires away.
"Dating anyone?" some.
"Puti?" Some.
"Okay ba?" Ayos lang.

Then a roll on the floor laughter of a smiley. Curious Georgina that I am, I asked why. And the answer-
'ay player ka pa rin'

I just sat back and settled into my packing without replying.
Not furious, frustrated. When these instances occur, I back off.
Five minutes later, there was a melange of explanation with apologies...all of which made things worst. I'm not going to copy and paste a script of Gossip Girl.
All that needs saying is the throng is WRONG, & I am happy I am not there to hear. I don't get upset for myself. But for the people I love, it affects and hurts them.
People can sh*t-talk me and expect a reaction, after my hell and highwater experience, it takes a lot more to get a rise out of me.
I have a manhid gene the size of the Soviet Union. I don't agree with his hasty generalizations, I can abso-F***IN`-lutely see where it all comes from.

Told you. Same throng. I understand the whys and wherefores. It isn't a two-way thing though... I don't think he gets me. But having said that-- mi pièce de résistance is much less digestible...

The conscious choice to becoming fisher-friends of men does not a player make me.

Because I admit, I like men.

I befriend men. I laugh with men. I learn from men. I drink with men. I dine with men. I dance with men. I meet men. I hug men. I flatter men. I think of men (especially men I try not to think about). I listen to men. I kiss men. I manhandle men...

So many activities, and with so many men in sight, why the heaven not? (Devil worshipper ako haha)

In a nutshell, I do menstuff with men. And I am comfortable with that.

Eversince the last torch traveled from Greece to Beijing, I have become a converted (albeit convoluted) man-loving woman.
Sure, I'd been jinxed by a stink of a man, but who hasn't?
My fault was in the lapse of my judgment with a man who i thought was THE man.
I loved someone who had been right in the eyes of many, but so wrong for me.
And the society didn't see what happened behind close doors.
That's what makes judgement so easy to pass and so hard to hold back. Like fart.
And unlike the rest of the femmes in da throng, I am lucky in the sense that I found out early in life as I am settled in the knowledge that my kind wasn't for me. (I think the feeling is mutual.)

Had I not fallen into the traps of youthful sexual fervor (naks!!!), I'd have traversed boundaries earlier on. [At 20, I wanted to go to New York to study by day & bartend by night. hehe...] My mom says what happened with ... was in hindsight, a blessing- because had it not, I would be a drifter as I seem to not have set my sights on slowing down. She worries that I've misplaced my mojo for commitment. She worries, and it is imminent in her advice. I just don't feel the urge to merge. She is dumbfounded that I'm a poster girl for singlehood. I scold and dismiss how daft tradition is mouthing off, talking nonsense. I will commit when I'm ripe for the picking, . Her friendly soothsayer (yes, she has one whom she believes...I kid you not!) has opined that 1 of her daughters will find it a challenge to commit. Tough call.

But all that aside, the man-hating stage is over. It was nothing that time couldn't nix and fix. Leonine women love men and try as I might, I cannot and will not be a man-hater. I cannot be told (or asked) to compromise. CAN NOT. Romance is alive and well and I believe in it now more than ever. Possibly play the lion who will bid the lion-tamer to domicility.

Interplay is not idle play. Interaction is not body action. Intercourse isn't simple sexual coupling. (Apparently Gestalt is in again.) And flirting is a skill that involves banter, laughing out loud and jumpstarting the dura mater into activity + a bloke in the periphery for inspiration. Just how bad is that?

Screwed up, scrubbed down and sewn together again...regardless of the kind is what i meant to say, men are men. And men...like women, are the same. All want to be loved, accepted and showered with affection. Sure- the obvious differences aside that will flame an endless debacle may ensue as to which sex reigns supreme, but the inclination for L&A isn't one of them. The matters of the heart encompass gender juxtaposition and provided you are honest, love can never deny you or be denied by you because ultimately, it catches up with you at some point. It is a human desire you can't avoid. And why would you ever want to?
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT WANT IT ALL.
But celebrate life whether or not you find him.

As for J and to the rest of our throng- No hard feelings. I feel the oomph! for the first time. I am where I should be.
Welcome to my good life!

4P-s

2008-10-25T13:22:00.000+01:00

(or 4 Piss-offs)

[Pakshet.]
The penultimate weekend of October carries with it stress with the capital S.
Tricky little sucker of a Saturday, I had to skip the annual winefest in Islington which I really wanted NOT to miss in lieu of 4 stressful Ps--

Pack up for an end of the month moving out
Pasalubong shopping,
Prepping for a presentation and
PMS.

Does it get better than the 4Ps???

Yes it does, because this time next week- I'll be home.
In Pinas.
Nothing but nothing will bring me more pleasure than the sheer enjoyment of a weekend family lunch in Polo Club among other 'very-home-is-where-the-heart-is' things.

Seeing the sun rise and set as I stare outside my bedroom window.

(OH, which reminds me it is officially a working holiday...)
The people I'm meeting were nice enough to book an accommodation for me, but why stay there when I can do so with my family?

I did say I intended to make the most of this trip.

I intend to dirtydance my weekned nights away and not go home till the blasted DJ stops the music and kicks me out of the dancefloor with a note, sing in all-out karaoke bleeding heart fashion (the MagicSing I have in Londres just doesn't have the same feel to it), and have massages with Analyn upon hours on end. Inuman will be part of the equation and it will involve friends and family.

BUT in my put-away heart, I do wish for THAT gift. (It beckons ever so rarely now...but it still does...)

I hope some random thing picks me up and tells me, go and have your time to relax and have a beach weekend. A time to rest your weary soul and just sleep off the stresses of the last year or so. [Wouldn't it be nice if i had George (as in Clooney...or someone equally dashing...) pick me up and take me to the beach.] I just realized that it's been three years since my feet last felt grainy sand and I don't think 2008 is the year of the beach comeback.

I know there will be no surprises for this trip, but this Leonine needs nothing more than to return to her Manilagal roots albeit temporarily.

I can't wait...to be home.

wanderwoman (no more)

2008-10-11T15:15:00.022+01:00

(The Art'cle Formerly Known As 'Now It Can Be TOLD!!!')

If half a decade ago someone had said to me I'd be living overseas now residing in a flatshare with two testosterone-y housemates who are a decibel short of being sex offenders, I'd be the first to laugh and shake my head in consternation. Truly, the maddening suggestion is out of the effin world. Yet here I am, sitting in Costa Coffee, sipping a skinny latte whilst reading a book, thinking of that almond biscotti I have become accustomed to dipping into my one-and-only caffeine fill on Saturdays. My regular lack of sleep I owe to 2 sets of vampiric sex addicts who are at it at the ungodliest hours of dawn. This is the 'peep show' that is giving me nightmares that I reach for my set of earphones (Godsend!!!) which have become my instant bedmate.

Taking a break as it is a weekend, lost in pensive thoughts and festive in the pleasure of my own company (and with no alter egos in sight!), today I am wondering about the wandering woman-child I was when I landed a year ago. She now seems to have been replaced by a more self-assured woman(-child?) who, still & all, has an endless array of questions and a long, long way to go. But she does have some answers in check. And for the moment, she's good. Chillaxed.

Time has flown rather quickly when I was having London-lllllooooooovin' fun and slowly in the less-than pleasant circumstances. Ahhh such is life! It is as twisty as it is tastefully tainted with the mundane assurances that in it there ain't that many certainties.

I do remember just being overwhelmed by the stark novelty of independent living for the first time. Not everyone gets this and certainly not everyone wants it. A virginal financial derelict. The wuss I was's... no wuss no more! (Suss dat.)

。。。The first time I went househunting and found a shithole that reeked and looked like it still had Jack the Ripper's remains in there somewhere... I recall literally running into the arms of my friend Cin crying about the dastard who showed me a windowless room in the basement and charged 450pcm without batting an eyelash.

。。。So many new concepts became everyday conversation pieces. How was it possible that I am, in one continent, Asian, but here in the UK I am 'properly' called Oriental? My colleague Adele still laughs when I say chips for crisps, and fries for chips. "What are you like Sadrina?" (Truth be told Adele, you've no idea what I'm like...he he he!)

。。。The simple wonders of Brit wordplay will never be lost to me. The Bard and Austen remain dream reads. Like a child left inside a candy store for the first time. The grammar police disappeared and came back a constable in wordy fashion! But in the same breath Brit soaps...ahh the sadness of it all is an idea for immediate airtime recycling.

。。。my eternal obsession (no worries, nothing sexual!) with the tube that became my playground for people-watching. The nightbus I avoid for the infamous real time action that goes on when I choose to indulge in drinking sprees with friends.

。。。I'd say LondonTown found me traipsing in my own reality, dancing in my own rhythmn (blame it on the earphone addiction!!!) the wanna-be-sumkinduva-survivor-superpower in a maelstrom of Tsinayderring-do(?) craziness. That said, my Marco-proof advert for a look-out doubling as a mascot remains unfilled. Must be a polyglot who in some form or other resembles Mr. Clooney! (Riiiiiiiiight.)

My all-time fave colleague Lucy asked me yesterday how I liked Londres now. Hmmm...there are always conflicting arguments to everything. Like it--in terms of? Compared to? What's to like? What's not to like? I realized lately how being away from home means that any place you live in, wherever you are on this bloomin' planet, the moment you're hit with the "You're not on vacation!" mental signage, then it's all the same thing. Same-difference. The more you see, the less surprised you are. And the sooner you realize this, the quicker everything falls into place. It isn't rocket science. But it isn't a simple case of "Ok. Fine. Whatever." either.

Now it can be told-

That I checked my naivete at the warpath and was humble enough to know I didn't know shit... and that set me off onto the path to righteousness. I knew that I had to start somewhere betwixt scum and struggling. Yet somewhere over the transatlantic friendly skies, I decided that this was IT. My second lease on life. My second chance. The one I begged my mom for (yes now it can be told: Leos don't beg, it isn't in our nature...). I got it and I wasn't going to waste it. I was going to do it all by myself and everything in my power to get a shiny SURVIVAL seal with my name on it. Tabula rasa rebooted its system and started a year ago for me. One of the special exceptions. I assure you that I had suffered more than most so I think the entitlement is but fair. I was going to hold on to independence. Hold on and hold fast and never let it slide past my sight. I'm holding on to it a tad tighter with less trepidation.

And now it can be told that 10 days before Christmas 2007, I had 30 quid in my bank account. In the Natwest vestibule, I gave a small, "Gulp!" There it was staring right back at me- '32. 13' to be exact. As in rounded off, three-oh... as in 60 dollars, or about 3000 Pinoy Pesos... a considerable lot...if you were in Pinas. In Londres, 30 quid goes before it comes. I kid you not. That Thursday afternoon I came home panic-stricken and seriously contemplated doing an E.T. phone home to my mom... to tell her I needed moolah. I did it countless times in Pinas and I could do it this one time...right?

But I didn't.

Mobile phone in one hand, my sanity in the other. How far could I go??? I took a long hard look at myself and my life in Londres. Everything I had to my name was in a sunny room in the midst of Fulham. What of it was surprising? Nobody said starting over was easy. I was in a foreign country, it was the Christmas holidays, and I was right smack in the middle of nowhere, deathly homesick and dying of emotional distress.

This never happened to me before...certainly not on Christmas. My memories of Christmas in Pinas were always red and cheery...and warm and filled with festivity. My life up until Londres had been a picture book with all the wonderful colours and the perfectly pasted accoutrements.

Now I was in a country that had no warmth, no sun and no family. The irony of it all made me want to laugh because I didn't want to cry. I wanted this??? Append to that that I was working a sh*t temp job...and payday was a effin' stretch of a week away. I could graze the 30 quid and get by on Tesco tomato soup. But I still needed bus fare that came to 16.20 [Z1/Z2 Weekly Travelcare]. All I could do was take deep breaths and say, "Why are you doing this to yourself Sadrina..." And since I had no answers, I simply chucked it to my already voluminous character building rulebook.

Despite all my friends egging me to phone the only reliable financial helpdesk that would instigate a money transfer (and the service will be free of charge and done with a smile!) in 5 minutes. Yet now it can be told. I do not regret NOT making the phonecall to my mom because I realized what survival meant that fateful day in December. I always wanted to see if I could do it by myself. And that cold, lonely 30-quid December day I realized that I could. True it was less than ideal. But I could. I knew I didn't want family or relatives close by (Thus Londres and not U.S.) and I wouldn't stay with friends, so certainly was not dependent on anyone. It was hard but it was what I wanted. I wasn't rich but I wasn't in London to be rich, was i?

Now it can be told- I was here to exile myself in solitude and deal with all my inner demons and give my soul a good spanking.

And after a year of self-spanking, I am happy to report that I have more than 30 quid in my bank account. [Having said that, I'm saving...period. Nothing more Tsinoy than the trait of thrift.] I work for a good employer and I'm a good employee who gets on with an intercontinental team I have a fine time with. In and out exchanges and office banter are reasonably anecdotal , there is camaraderie and some laughter interspersed in between. There is also arguing and pointing out...just the general accountability and what-not of working in an office that reads like a Benetton advert. It is a happy medium.

You shape your life into what you think counts. My life is no means idyllic at this stage, but my perspective of it has grown in leaps and bounds. I realize through the year-long masochistic exercise that you don't learn till you suffer some. You don't know how good you had it till you got how bad it could be. I faced the bad days as well. I was always well-oiled with perspective and the adage "this too shall pass!" does wonders to my psyche.

The cool Beatle with his long hair and Orientalia fascination was spot-on when he said, "Life is what happens to you when you're too busy making other plans." I've come to the realization that the noteworthy changes in life happen when we're not looking.

The subtle paradox of my life, albeit amorphous at first, slowly solidified right before my eyes and teemed with His obvious (to me at least) hand print. Like in the movie "You've Got Mail," when Katherine meets Joe F-O-X in the end. You know she's meeting the Mr. Right whom she's met a million times before. But despite knowing, your heart gives a jump of glee. The casual "Oh, there you are..." stance she takes when she says ever so wistfully, "I wanted it to be you..." Ever so subtly, it just all came together. In the end. Life came together for me in that similar unsuspecting fashion. Thinking back now, I can't say how. I didn't really get into the razzmatazz details of it all by sitting on a cafe with a checklist (my talent for organization is a creative work in progress!!), but I firmly fixated on the thought that it would all eventually come together for ME. Everything happens for the good of those who believe.

My sabbatical quickly comes to a close. Crunch time comes hither. I can't wait!!!

A year after, I wander no more and see for the first time with different eyes. I'm beginning to see the limitless possibilities of life again. And the richness of experience to back up all that I dream of achieving. I needed the year that was to resit life and iron out all the inconsistencies. Now everything is shiny like new and I see the vast beauty of the years to come. I chucked the remnants of recalcitrance as my psyche needed less of that- What is essential maybe invisible to the eye, but it takes up naked creative space as well. Good chi takes up a great deal of my space. And I welcome it with open arms.

True... nothing comes easy but the defining moments of life, living and the lot isn't when it's clear cut, is it? It's when push comes to shove that you can easily miss what you mustn't! Life is teaching you a hard lesson that you will be able to build on in years to come. It never goes out of its way to announce itself and comes with no trimmings, but should you recognize it at half-step, then hold fast because the significance will far outweigh its unsuspecting arrival. It is the quiet storm that breaks the calm. And will be a breakthrough in hindsight. Your mission is to chose to accept and embrace it when it comes. It is easier said than done. But when done with regularity, life's wisdom nuggets become quite easy to spot.

It's like that. And that's the way it is.

Vie's Sushi boy friday

2008-10-03T20:56:00.002+01:00

My colleague befriended the cute (or so she says!) Sushi guy she went to every Friday. Twas a stone's throw from where we worked and because I was so busy today, I couldn't go with her and she came back with a note!

Sweet of him to care and get 'attached' . . .

To my long lost 'friend'

2008-10-02T20:51:00.000+01:00

It was nice touching base with you. Truly. I can't believe I met you when I was 13! Un-effin'-believable!

In the long years that I've been single (by choice & by principle!), I have met men, many of whom I've become confidantes with. I don't mean pillow-talk confidantes okay?
Just to point out, these men are really just friends over drinks and dinner talking about life in general.

MEN, of varying ages, sizes and affiliations (players, realists, settlers among others.)
Small but smart,
Tall but jockish,
Spoiled & (eternally) arrogant,
The humble millionaire,
The name-dropper,
The late-bloomer,
The one with the Peter Pan syndrome,
The forever substance abuser...oh, you get the picture.

Which category do you fall into? (another blatant inquisition).

I am just straightforward but rest assured, I reserve judgment for the lot of people who deserve no less. I've learned the hard way how it was to be misjudged, so I don't indulge in the very tempting feast of double standard rumormongering so rampant in Pinas.

On my end, I have had initial attraction that bloomed into friendship, or interest that wilted into disinterest, friendships that I decided were better left as... and even some rather strange incidents since I've landed in Londres.

I've come to see men as the perfect friends, I was a tomboy for a long time so make up talk and fashion after 15 minutes does not make much sense to me.

All that aside, I've come to believe that trust + unconditional love + care/concern are all ingredients. But I've also come to believe that laughter, friendship and the *WOOT* factor are just as essential.

Who was it that said, ''...after the fall, must come the RISE?"
Wise words indeed! I think some people are just scared to be alone, more than anything. I think I passed the stage with flying colors when London was declared the hardest city to survive in. I think I like myself more and I've dealt with my sort of 'hard' past.

Good that you don't worry about the romantic stuff, but I hope you haven't relegated it as an impossibility! Just think it's better to be single for the right reasons than to be with someone for all the wrong ones. Nothing lonelier than waking up next to someone who's wrong for you.

So to full-on passion and drinking it in... with the pulps!!!

bubbly

2008-09-26T21:27:00.002+01:00

My colleague Alpay bought me lunch today. It was the first time that he ever offered me anything outside of cigs and his Mediterranean flirt power. (The former I fell for and the latter I wouldn't dream of ever indulging.) I couldn't leave the office because all the gals were out on a wild goose chase. As he left the bacon sandwich on my desk, he called, ''You do eat pork, don't you?" It was only after he left the room that I realized that the last time I had a carnivorous feast was the Saturday I went to see Bunny in her office in Central London and had take-out brinjal vindalu. Effin' vindaloo was so bloody spicy I was sweating out of my eyeballs!!! Pork I hadn't had in months... the last time was the Notting Hill festival when I had home-made English breakfast.

So yeah, despite my hunger I couldn't eat the sandwich and when I did bite into it at half two(not the white bread though-- I am very carb-conscious, I reserve it for my unputdownable sweet tooth!!!), I found that the entire experience was more than a tad unpleasant. (No I didn't finish the fare but let's not tell Alpay and hurt his feelings.) I was still squeamish when we hit the nearby pub, and when I ended up sharing a tuna panini with one of the gals, I found that I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I haven't had tuna in more than two months. I had a pint of cider and Lucy dropped my semi-inebriated a** home at about 8 I think. Whatta change. Gone were the weekends that 8pm was my starting time to prepare for a night-out of drinking and all-night dancing. Oh my!!! I was thinking how much I enjoyed dancing and if I do push through with that business trip next month, I am definitely going to dirtydance the night away!!!

I finally made the decision to avoid putting flesh and fowl into mine lips. Hmmm...something green comes to mind but I will bite my tongue and talk about the call to vegetarianism.

The decision has been long overdue and had nada to do with my intoxicated state. It just had to do with me and my penchant for dilly-dallying.

Pork was the easiest to give up as I've always loved lamb and shrimp above all. Chicken and turkey was the middle ground as far as my palate was concerned. I have always been partial to seafood and brandy (Thanks to my Dad!!!) And we both loved alcohol with a heaving passion (now it can be told!) And my mom has been a devout Buddhist all her life, I would have to say it is further complicated by my deep-seated knowledge about the Way of Life. My upbringing had a lot to do with my decision (and a little oomp-ah!!! of the Catholic guilt). Quite honestly am a bit of a wuss when I see videos of animals being slaughtered, I cringe. I don't especially like animals, but I do have a huge hole of human decency there somewhere.

My attitude towards life and the individuals I meet is open. (What is normal these days anyways???) I believe everyone who comes into your life leaves an emotional etch, no matter how marked or minute. Sometimes they stay for a short while but their influence, life-changing. Sometimes (like my ex) they have shared any nook and cranny of your life with you, and you never thought you could live without. And years later, you realize you're doing much better and are a much better person. It doesn't mean you forget him, but it means you let him go. Cin always says that 'he' was but a taster and that the best of em all is yet to come. I used to think he was it, yet now, I believe that she's right. There is always a reason why love never works out (even when it feels right)... I believe that there is always someone else better waiting to come along. Always, always, always!

But it does get more difficult. For as we grow older, the people seem to just come and go. So it is up to you to make the few and far between souls that hit the connection button count! Give them time and serious consideration. Ry told me that you won't regret going the extra mile for those that do make their mark. I think this is one of the qualities I like about myself, that I've been exposed to so many things that I don't get threatened as easily as I should...within reason. And I do make it a point to love and share my time with my friends. It helps that I listen when I am spoken to and that I don't shock easily. To whom much is given, much is expected. Did they not say that? Being exposed to various beliefs does not a complicated person make me. My friends all hate my naivete and that I lack the malice gene that sometimes gets me into toil and trouble cauldron bubble a phrase the Bard penned in one of his creations! with some strange ones. I probably will lose all that child-like hopefulness one of these days...you never know.

But I have to say that with all that I've given up, there are things I will never give up--

Dancing (yes the drunken-down-and-dirty kind!!!)...
my Tomboy complex (and no, I am NOT lesbian!)
My leather jacket (this is so un-vegan!!!)
Choklit milkshakes (another VERY anti-vegan statement!!!), and,
amaretto sours!!!

Moving out?!

2008-09-23T21:13:00.006+01:00

I might need to move out of my flat.

My landlord once gave me a sermon for coming home at half 2 in the morning. In my defense, I went to pick someone up from Luton and we got lost. No, I wasn't drunk and we were tired as the flight arrived at 10 something. When I got home, I was tiptoeing (i swear!) and he called me on my mobile and gave me a tirade on coming home at that time and asked who I was with. I said it was a buddy I picked up from the airport. He said he wanted my buddy out of the house. But ok, in hindsight, that might have foresight on his part...so i shall let that one pass.

Or that I must regularly resort to loud music on my earphones because the walls are too thin. Hint! Hint! I know what happens, but I don't wanna hear all the moan-and-groan moments. Geez. And the banging, just so you know, wakes me up! Yes even if it's in the middle of the night. But ok, as I am an adult, I shall let that one pass as well.

My other flatmate is nicer. Too nice that he sometimes leaves HIS door open (much to my disbelief!!!) and sometimes his nakedness is much too dismaying for me. *NO! Seriously...I'm not amused! True we are both from Catholic countries but our continents are on opposite ends of the earth, and being Tsinay doesn't really make me up for freebie peep shows. And FYI, anything with too much hair is soooooh not a good thing!

Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to have guests inside the flat? Because I'm not allowed to bring people into the sitting room. Mmmmmm...

Is it not common sense to leave your flatmate's clothes hanging when they are obviously damp? Mine were left on the counter. The kitchen counter! Not only do some of my clothes smell like mildew (eww.), they smell like a mix of mildew and curry. (Double eww.)

I don't know if I am not meant to share a flat with men? Eventhough I'm a Venusgal I'm usually pretty good at getting along with the people from Mars. I'm actually quiet and quite good at keeping the peace. Also, I quite like the area where I live-- it is quite nice, not as chaotic and ultimately it has its charms.

So tell me...is it time to move???

Note for Drew

2008-09-19T22:20:00.002+01:00

(AKA circumventing our Leonine Paradox)

Fellow LEO, former colleague and Moksha (see pic) symphatizer, Drew- and I are in touch regularly. We've always clicked and I have always sort of felt we were siblings from different mothers! Back in the day, we usually started drinking after work and mosey on to Moksha, and have our regular usapang anything under the sun. Who can forget the first time we had flaming tigers? OMG!!!

And as we are both leos who believe in love, romance and the entire idealistic hullaballoo (to a damning fault!), more than once during regularly hobnobbing with Jack, Johnny and Hennessy endlessly in Moksha, our hidden watering hole in the San Juan area, we spoke about the less-than idyllic trait of our Leonine madness- the olats factor.

Foursome that we were, I remember intimating to Gette & Jeremy how it wasn't 'our thing' to just ask people out. Drew just flat out said he didn't do it and I said that in the few and far between times I asked out men I liked, it was not only unsuccessfull, it ended in a horrific dramedy (the kind you never want to relive!)

Torpe, olats and whatever else it's called, it is true. But in this case, the Leos are unabashed followers of the 'fear factor' and would rather not.

As leos go, we are both big-hearted, magnanimous, generous, born leaders and, well... olats to the max... We always talk about how leos never know how to make the first date move. We not only suck, we are virtually incapable of the action. Maybe it is the fear of rejection that halts us to a fault, it is quite the debilitating thing... but having said that, we simply retreat because of a forgettable alter ego that we both possess. We have to consistently remind each other on chat that although we don't play hard to get, it is definitely the way it looks from another person's point of view. It is the bittersweet of my tribe. Maybe shyness is 'THE' leonine key to thriving in dateland. I always tell him I can't do it that way, and he always nods quietly and always reminds me- just be yourself...don't pretend to be someone you're not.

MY Fellow Leonizer, Drew- we are two of A kind! We play the waiting game so well, that we have it down pat --to a T... Partners inParalysis over Analysis .

So to Drew who hates to read, I will keep this short and tell you that you are missed, although all your advice are much, much appreciated. And soon enough, we will drink with our boys again!!! I truly truly miss the good ol times.

x

To the talented Mr. Harding 。。。

2008-09-15T20:43:00.009+01:00

Oi matey! Come stai??

I'm sorry I never got back to you THAT time. I humbly apologise as I got stuck--in the middle of the reality of my life, halfway betwixt work AKA paying the bills, above the everyday chores (washing the dishes simultaneously with my laundry after cooking my 'baon' for lunch the following day)-- is this enough to drive you to the depths of guilt-ridden madness??? Well this is life as I know it here. So am I forgiven for not replying??? Sana naman no!

Well I meant to write you ASAP but got put off by your reminder to not send personal correspondence via office email (Why the hell not???). So next time you want my immediate response/attention, you can ease off with the pointed reminders, haha! Because I either write you at once upon receipt of your email or not at all. As you know, I'm quite the extremist. For others, I allot the HUGE benefit of a 'gray area,' though for myself, it's not quite as straightforward. I am much more stringent with Sadrina. It's either a YES or no, a DO IT or don't. Ahhh, such is life! I simplify to complicate. Didn't we always say that over drinks at the Fort???

I truly miss this part of the Fort. My Manila. Can you imagine, less than a year ago, it was a mere ten-minute walk from where I lived. Now it seems like a moment in my putaway heart. One that I dream to walk into again... forever. How I miss Manila- the humid evenings and the drinks. Yes it's official. Sadrina misses Manila. Over the weekend, I spent 30 quid on bibingka, ginataan, halo-halo, boneless bangus & siopao (asado). Dude, 80 pesos ang Boy Bawang dito!!! UnF-ing-believable!!!!

I soooh miss our exchanges over beer and amaretto sours. You are one of my tell-all confidantes back home, one of the few whom I trust implicitly. I love that we both share a passion for words and have dreams of someday influencing the literal world with our own kathang-isip (Ehem!). To carve a niche of ourselves and leave legacies of our half-truths behind. My friend, how is that dream coming along??? Better keep me posted and send me the final product. Or else I go home and kick your ass.

So here I am, allotting time, effort and my 40 pence on the matter of love life and the lot where YOU, my friend are concerned.

Good you've broken up with her. (Say what?!) She didn't really sound all that intellectually enticing to me, quite honestly. (You have to remember we've been buddies before we hit puberty so we go a long way back!!! And besides, I've never met her but from what I know of her, seeing how you two've broken up I see no reason to hold back my emotional resonance on the matters of YOUR heart. (Haha!) I've always known you to have an artist's heart, and your penchant for inspiration (no matter how illusory) reigns supreme. And I know your kind so well, because we are of the same mold. LIke you, I have a dreamer's heart and I make no pretenses about my search for romance and happy-ever-after. Maybe this idealism makes you of the frustrated lot, but I reckon, this is what sets you apart. At least you gave it one last shot by having a Hong Kong holiday. All that dimsum did the romance no good. (No kinky sex with chopsticks as accompaniment??) All that jest aside (I am assuming that by 3rd paragraph you have had your fill of my dry humour!!!), as we mature, I think singlehood and independence become the bittersweet pill in the sense that both become harder to give up, although the lonely reality of the former can be too damning sometimes. Mahirap talaga yan pero ganyan talaga. But I am curious, tears? You? Di naman mababaw ang luha mo e. Unless you had estrogen-infused brownies prior to the exchange. Hmmm...a most curious development.

You know, I've learned that although there are things you must never go back to, I also believe that timing is what sets an experience apart from another.

Time.

Time.

Time.

So I cannot emphasize it enough. Give yourself time to grieve. Give yourself time to let go. Somewhere in the exercise, there will be pain, anger and self-pity, but don't dwell too much on the emotional side of things. Shakespeare has said that "Everyone can master a grief but he that has it."-- so at the risk of sounding like a self-righteous biA*** who knows nada about your feelings, I will tell you facts remembered from previous correspondence. Without reverting to your previous email, I can say that the singular information that stuck to my mind was that she was a voracious reader...NOT!!! That in itself makes you worlds apart from the (undecided) ex. The other thing was her seeming affinity for jealousy. And you my friend know, still and all, I bear the brunt of the green eyed monster. Four years it has been. Sure, the physical scars heal. IT is the trauma left over in increments that tweak your psyche and make you more 'praning'. The ultimate end-all for me is simply put, if you have to contend with jealousy as a part of the relationship then the trust is questionnable. Not yours. HERS. And if the trust is not solid, no ifs and buts. Move on. You know what I've been through. I've learned the hard way. So if you can contend witha lifetime of jealousy, be my guest, but dude, don't say I didn't give you the yellow light for the green emotion. Di ako nagkulang ha.

The ''How Am I?" question that ends your email will receive a response in a couple. You know where to reach me anytime so just gimme a shout.

Smile Harding. You'll find your silver lining soon enough. So till then. Stay hopeful.

x

Besos

S

Place in the Sun

2008-09-13T20:48:00.002+01:00

(I am the one in the middle!)

This was a pic taken by Margie of us friends playing on the beach. We were killing time and decided to play hopscotch! Uni days long gone. We were all so young and so foolish. But we didn't care.

Wonderful memories can only make a person smile and move foward.

I just know I will bull's eye in on my sun spot.

One of these days.

Detox the Ffffreak in Me

2008-09-13T18:49:00.000+01:00

I met a healer on the train on my way to the Barrio Fiesta. On a trainride that I wasn't supposed to go on till I realized that it was my train. I made a mad dash hoping to make it. And make it I did! Looked around for a nice place to settle and sat myself beside a bloke looking out the window. I didn't really pay him any heed at the start, but when the trains stopped at Hendon, I realized with disbelief that I might've forgotten my newly-bought pack of cigs atop the counter of the off-license (Bloody hell!). So as I tweedled and fumbled, the bloke started eying me with open curiosity, Taking a cue from his fascinated look, I asked him if he saw me come in with my pack. He said he didn't, then that set off the chatting. He said he worked at an off-license before and it did happen that some people left their packs on the counter. I told him I couldn't believe I had done anything so stupid!!! He laughed and said it could happen to anyone.

So I asked him if he smoked. He said he didn't. And intimated that it was a sign to give it up since smoking was no good for me anyway. Then he opened up and told me he was a healer.

"Which means what?" I asked him, curious now.

Apparently to be a healer means a variety of things to a variety of different people. One very good healer was Tony Perez, who was my professor in Shamanism. Kay, my ex-flatmate was also practicing to become a healer. I reckon this one took his craft as seriously as the other two.

Before you check into the Clarity Clinic you have to be open and receptive to a lot of things. I personally think I am very spiritual, but not to the point that-
I didn't drink alcohol. (Teetotaler)
Or take coffee. (Non-caffeine ingesting. Uh-oh! Check my Fafafini files!!!)
Or smoke.
Or eat chocolate. (I am a founding member of Chocoholics Anon!)

One thing he does is follow the vegetarian diet.

I claim to finding the Garden Variety Healer!!!

Come to think of it, he can actually go through FDA inspection and I am confident he'd get the seal of approval.

Can you get any more new age than that???

Apart from the alcohol which I can give up with ease (although the sour amarettos do tempt me to dip into the alcoholic ink once in a good while...), sat opposite him, I was a smoking, meat-eating, caffeine addict who loved her chocolate. It was like Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy on crack! Except that I was the one on all the horrendous substances on my checklist. If ever one had a 'shrinking violet' moment, that would have been mine.

But his enthusiasm was infectious and his body language was open. And as far as violets go, I am sure that my good heart and intentions far outweigh my numerous vices. (Right.)

His name was Wayne and he was a 26 year old healer from St Albans. Two stops from me. Healer man meant to come heal me of my addictions. Whoopeeeeeee!!

Said he sensed that I was very spiritual and that I shouldn't feel bad about being what I was because the choices he made for himself were not imposed on other people. We walked out of the West Hampstead station and exchanged digits. He offered to meet up with me and give me a reading soon.

As we passed the West Hampstead Overground we said cheery goodbyes and 10 seconds later, he called after me to say he should take the Jubilee (the one I was taking) to Richmond. I told him I was going to the Barrio Fiesta in Hounslow and uhmmm eat lechon kawali (fried fatty pork), among other things.

So we went on chatting. We clicked. Obviously. It was very good banter and I could tell we were equally enthused that we were both into the whole spiritual thing. When I was about to get off at Green Park, the announcement came that everyone was to get off at this same stop and wait for trains to bring them to their destination. Unbelievable. It almost felt like we were brought together by fate. It was a whirling experience and I had to kind of wheel myself away from him. It wasn't romantic at all. More auric than anything else.

All that aside, meeting a healer was a fab experience. I must admit that I've tried countless times to be a vegetarian (but failed). I've quit smoking but a birthday celebratory fag got me back to my nicotine fix again. The coffee I can give up a step at a time. But the fag and eating veggie are definitely priorities. The former to cease and the latter to start.

Let's stay tuned to this detox exercise.

x

the I.T. Man with the Golden Mean

2008-09-12T19:24:00.016+01:00

Today mid-afternoon, our officially I.T. guy, the ever-efficient James, has become one of our regular weekend fixtures at work. He's been IN 2 Friday afternoons in a row now. And each time, the conversation between he, Yvette and I gets more laugh-out-loud than the last. In hindsight, I am usually the listener in the trio because I always like to hear the views of men more than women. (Women can talk SHIT too you know.) 在我同事其中有一位喜欢上了他. 我也怪不得她因这位帅哥的性格挺好的. Shame she's out of the office and he's been in maybe thrice this week. But the crush is not surprising. To that point, I must admit that I've been here a month short of a year and I confirm that he is one of the better looking blokes I've seen this side of the world. It has to be said though that my colleague 周. did have to point out to me that he was quite a looker before it registered in mine eyes. (Slower than slow, that's me!!!) I'm always the individual with the delayed reaction where men are concerned. That was the case then. This is the case NOW. It might be a case of oneness with mundaneness. I'm so used to the males as mates and have way too many guy friends that I've started seeing them all the same way. Not a bad thing as I've gotten on very well with them. There's delay that I just seem not to sit up and notice in general the quality kinda men who need noticing. (Which is what the girls that surround me are for!!!)

But I digress.

Today he, Yvette and I talked about relationships. Can you imagine? The I.T. expert (cool geek) was tinkering away on the software and giving out love-advice in the interim. (I know so few men who multitask.) Funnily, the I.T. guy was actually very forthcoming about his own relationship as well. Yvette is officially partnered in 24 days. I am officially single. And he is officially in what is known as "It's Complicated.'' Truth be told, insight (his) was in plain view as he shelled out the goods where love advice was concerned. Advice was very good considering he was a dude. I think he's actually a lot deeper than most men I've spoken to. I wish 周 could have been there to hear his views. She would absolutely swandive and fall head over her high heels. But alas! I am not one to kiss and tell all, so that said she may actually have to wait for the next Dr. Love session with James the I.T. guy. I was telling him not to ruin my romantic illusions and he told me to just stop looking for romance. Much to my chagrin and misbegotten romantic wide-eyed inclination, he said that romance should not be expected to come through my door in its obvious context. That I should stop thinking romance will happen at first glance. Because he swears that it will happen, but it will come when you are not looking. Romance does not happen on the onslaught of meeting THE one, it comes when you least expect with someone who with constant interaction becomes THE ONE.

Salient point, my good man!

So to our I.T. guy James (who will never read this!), a round of drinks on me for two jobs well done. Activating the connector that lets me finally have our database on my PC (which is an already orgasmic pre-weekend feat!). More importantly for talking sense into this stubborn git about love, romance and the lot. It has taken a while for the penny to drop, but yes, it has dropped. You've popped the love cherry by dropping the penny. Thanks.

x

"Dinner mo MUKHA mo!!!"

2008-09-11T06:51:00.005+01:00

(as I am famous for my passionately yours Filipino, this phrase literally translates to "(you can) Have dinner with your FACE" in more blatantly derogatory terms...)

Carlo called me today.

He was the first bloke I dated this year. Italian, mid30s, well-traveled. Works in finance. We had drinks at a pub along Gloucester Rd. back in the day when I was residingin Fulham and doing downtime recept at Fitness First in the tres chic South Kensington area. A very cosmopolitan area where the V&A Museum sits. Sooh...his name was Carlo. Born in Verona, Italy where the ill-fated lovers Romeo and Juliet story was set! Nice to look at, and not-as-lovely to hold, he was a bit standoffish and had a fiery erratic temper. A bit loud as well, I remember how on our 1st 2 dates he would just make me want to crawl under the ground. Just because. But worst of it was that sometimes in the middle of the conversation, he'd just cut me off. And I'd tell him off. He'd laugh and tell me I had guts. (That I do!!!) And sometimes he would be rude to shopboys (but never to shopgirls hahahah!). But I think his rudeness wasn't intentional. I always thought it had more to do with cultural uniqueness and we all get misinterpreted.

I did like seeing him ( the *KILIG* factor was there...very very slight, but present nonetheless) because we had good conversations. He liked Steinbeck and I loved British authors and he always made fun of my romantic notions (yes I am famous for it!!!) And though, he was a bit moody and erratic, he was damn funny as well. In the end, there was no point seeing him because he was leaving London. Plus he did say tell me a story about an affair with a married woman that put me OFF so I decided never to see him again. He couldn't have been the one if he was into casual sex. And the excuse that 'she came to my house to see me...' didn't really cut it.

So today he called me. And after not having heard from him for almost half a year- he left the first quarter of this year to start up a business in Yemen and he told me yesterday he has since been and is now working in Dubai as a financial who da F*** cares. He said to me before flying that we'd be friends and keep in touch. But keeping in touch is going out of your way to keep the communication going. Even if it means being inconvenienced. And HE didn't make the effort. (Isn't the effort what makes all the difference in keeping friendships after all?)

So today...out of the blue, he calls. Said he wanted to catch up and have dinner and drinks in W Hampstead as he was going to be in town for the next four days. (Catch up-in mo mukha mo!!!) I let him ramble on while I was updating some fact sheets and said I'd get back to him. (ULOL!!!)

When we put down the phone, at my colleague Yvette's suggested, I entered him as DON'T ANSWER! went about my work. Work was ok today and at around half 2, I sent the standard SMS, "Thanks for the invite tonight. Can't make dinner plans. Don't eat dinner anyway. Have a nice weekend." So there. Short, simple and polite.

And at around half 8, DON'T ANSWER! called. But his name said it all. So I didn't and don't intend to. Not this weekend! Not ever!

I would have made the effort if he did, but seeing that he didn't, I don't see why I had to now. I don't have time for wolf in sheep's clothing. I've seen enough of them with my boss' ex-partners so no wolves zeroing on my private life as well. I keep a very small life and I always welcome new friends in. But people have to be genuine to make the cut and surprisingly, a lot of them, despite being of legal age, are quite simply, not.

The Fa'afafine Files

2008-09-10T21:36:00.018+01:00

(no thanks to mid afternoon caffeine!!!)--> Or aptly put, superdooper T-H-A-N-K-S to the shell shocking effects of the Ristretto caffeine that turned my bad day around?!?

OH。OH。OH。

I had such a rough-and-tumble day at work. As I went on my way, after my colleague Lucy & I had said our goodbyes, I went to the nearby Caffe Nero and downed a doppio espresso to go. I figured day was so bad, it was only caffeine that could turn the day drastically around- as it turns out-- I GOT MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR!!!

I looked into my trusty ol Mac and tinkered with the camera, and the caffeine-infused rush (SHOCK?!?) started out innocently enough 。。。

This is a 'sample' shot of me with deux shots of espresso ristretto looking into the camera and testing the 'waters.' (May nalalaman pang sample shot ha!!)

。。。。。。。。 and the caffeine peak 。。。。。。。。
This shot looks very Miss Saigon-y. That you are Sunlight ... and I moon... bit. But I am playing the movie in my mind as a lonestar as my 'Chris' is still lost in translation.

And suddenly 。。。
"Nakanganga!!!"

Here's the fine Leonine with THAT extra-Oomph of sunshine!

。。。but I would have to say that the utter shock (horror really!) was when I saw-

THE Epitome of Fafafini (Kainis!)

Definition of the Term:
Fafafini (Samoan - Fa'afafine) is a third gender specific to Samoan culture. Fafafini are biologically men who have been raised to assume female gender roles since early childhood. (A-K-more crudely-A, Transgender amp!!!)

A huge huge huge shoutout to my Vegas ciccia E who couldn't help but LOL when she saw the pics and for helping me choose the ones that made the Fa'afafine Final Laff Fix!!! (Even at the expense of being caught in the act by their Fafafini recep!!)!

As the day comes to a close, I realise that there are a slew of bad days--YES, but it all changes when your mind's eye dwells on the POSITIVE.
Have a good laugh at yourself (just as I did!!!)

All's well that ends well。 Live on, LAUGH ON!!!

x

The Prayer of the Listening Heart: A Reflection

2008-09-09T13:23:00.012+01:00

One of my friends attended a retreat back home recently. I read her blog with keen interest because she is quite well-rounded and her views on life, simply put are quite infectious. Blog after blog, I wonder about her activities, traipsing from one adventure to the next. This is what she is busy with now. Pensivity at its finest.

See what she has to say http://melissaftong.blogspot.com/2008/09/prayer-of-listening-heart.html

REFLECTION: As I've been left to my own designs since Autumn07, I've been carrying the same boatload of thoughts. More now than ever before- and the last couple of weeks have been an ongoing process. Not a case of dilly-dallying.

I've been garnering questions that lead me step-by-step to my life's purpose. I have in my mind's eye the eternal question mark. Still and all, I see how far i've come and how much more I've to go. Someone asked me recently why I wouldn't consider going back home? He says I've obviously already learned what I needed to learn.

It is in these subtle moments that I see God's designs in my life. So in answer I posed a question- when do you get to that point when you realize learning stops? Does learning ever really stop? Or does it ever stunt you?

If I do head home (and I do think of it constantly), what waits for me? More questions to my already endless array of questions. (Annoying I know.)

Truly, he didn't have a response that satieted my penchant for inquisition. (Come to think of it, he consented silently).

So speechless that the subject was changed. But I do have an answer.
Learning never stops. It is as ongoing as our breath. But having said that, I do know that I stand to learn regardless of where I go. To a point, he is right. I feel I have learned all that I didn't when I was in Manila. Life had been so easy. It was all an illusion. But when the blinders came off, I realized I couldn't go back and be the old me anymore. I was the personification of the Allegory of the Cave.

All these thoughts don't sound very Sadrina, do they? But in the grand scheme of things, I believe we all fit. Timing is always of the essence. The never-ending pieces of the puzzle all come together in varying degrees at various times in our lives.

Always the eternal optimist, I believe individuals must move forward with a few simple truths passed down by their parents. This basic truths will hold them together... until social interplay complicates it further at some point in the teenage years. That youth may have to be wasted on the young, for the youth to grow into maturity...a necessary semi-evil?!

And when the age of reason comes in due course, you become a mishmash of all things sensible. In the end personal truths come through and we simply choose to bin it in the dark recesses of your mind into the alley of experience. (And what a wide alley it can be!!!)

Aside from learning so much, realization did happen at some point. I am more relaxed if things are different from the way I see them.

I know firsthand the sacrifices of keeping mum.

I see the beauty of an open-mind, although I find comfort in tradition (within reason).

I'm loving the consistency of good judgement.

Yes, still stubborn. Yes, still stalwart. And yes, still painstakingly passionate.

But I've since overhauled and simplified. There's NO "my way or the highway" mentality anymore. This has since beenr replaced with the politically correct term- Compromise.).

In the quiet of loneliness, solitude became apparent and appreciated. I didn't learn anything the easy way- but I did get a lot of help along the way. From London to Vegas to Paris to Japan to Pinas to Shanghai to BC-- there are a slew of individuals to thank for the NOW. So, I'm not in the meantime anymore. I've passed with flying colours. I'm officially OUT!!!

The quiet used to be an uncomfortable quest for me. I always thought it was for the singular purpose of sleep (really)! My nature is very dynamic, refuses to stay p-u-t. Sitting still for a long time bores me. But I've since then learned to reflect, thanks to Kay-chan (the one from Japan!). Each night was a different thought but the goal was simply to reflect.. Every night before I sleep, I do pray and am one with silence. Moreso that I share comfortable silence with myself. Because I've found it to be true, that if you still yourself long enough, you will realize that God uses that stillness to lull you into understanding His plans for you.

x

Random Flashfront

2008-09-08T18:37:00.004+01:00

I was looking at a random video of a local church today on youtube. I couldn't help but think what it would be like to stand in the midst of that peaceful scene with friends who've seen me through my worst and my amazingly supportive family and marry THE man of my dreams! Just the thought warms me. That Someone who will fill my life with color and so much laughter as my past fades and my future steers clearly into a happy ending that goes on and on and on...

I know love begets love and I know that despite all the troughs, I never once succumbed to the tempting flavours of casual quickies ( not in Asia and certainly not in Europe!!!) for that very reason: I want to be able to relish the experience of falling in love and rising to the expectations of the long awaited happy ending. Long-awaited means he's out there, finding me as I wait in my quiet counter.

The idealism steers me away from the tempestuous whims that is commonplace to everyone.

They say ASK.
Ask and you shall receive.
I am asking for a prayerful/God-fearing/superstitious wonderboy of a man who will fill my days and nights with laugh out loud moments, who will see why dancing is my necessary evil, why mass songs quiet me despite my tone-deaf persona, why karaoke rules supreme, why some days it's only OPM that seals the deal, why Bottega Veneta is better than LV, why the sun-flasher in me thrives in the coldness that is London, and why I am to be trusted just because。

I saw a rainbow today。 And I remembered。 To trust in the goodness of my intentions。

TRUST is what friendship is all about and I intend for this relationship to be with my best friend, stuntman, reliever, lover and pet。 All in ONE. Bak says I am looking for the impossible. Robs say wake up and smell the coffee。 A lot of my friends tell me to give up the grandiose dreams of ROMANCE。 But I say nay。

Because I believe HE is out there。And that my Leonine idealism is damn worth it。

x o x o

lutong Macau (?)

2008-09-07T23:06:00.003+01:00

My beautiful friend Robbylyn (who makes the BEST sour amarettos bar none!)'s dirty kitchen resembles a mini Diao Eng Chay stand. (Kulang na lang mga sago drinks and you're in business love!!!)

Hahahahah! Chili sauce ba yan? OMG Robs!!!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A few hours earlier, I was just looking at FB's 'I Love Pinoy Application' and can't help but miss the familiar. Boy Bawang. Oishi. Halo halo. CRISPY PATA. Tokwa't baboy. Fishball.

(Uh-oh. Someone's getting homesick.)

忍耐（Resilience)

2008-09-06T19:06:00.005+01:00

这几天来工作情况不是挺好的。跟我联系的人都对我很不公平。真受不了！在加上我房东一天比一天讲话没到理，快气死我了。跟妈吗讲他对我的态度有点儿过份。所以周末跟爸妈讲住宿的问题, 我说心有点难过和生气。
My mom and I have a great relationship. As with my confidantes, I don't sugarcoat and attempt to make myself look good so I uttered expletives in her hearing presence. We got cut at some point and I said I would call again in half an hour. I think Karma heard my resounding anger reverberate in the high heavens and decided that I shall speak no more.

Moments later, I was surprised to hear my dad's voice on the other line with subtle urgency telling me that I should not speak in that very uncouth manner. (My mom maintains I simply should speak English as I speak like a proper lady haha!). The mother-alarm sounded when my dad went on to say that I was a very nice person when I left Pinas and that just because they're not beside me in Londra it didn't mean it was acceptable to start sounding like the evil-kinevil alter-ego they never met. I could hear my mom in the background saying, ''You talk to her. She's so stubborn if I talk to her it will fall to deaf ears. You reason with her. She listens to you." While I hold no ill will with my mom's method of enlightening me, I was pleasantly surprised that I agreed with her. She was right. I don't remember how often she's told me that I was one of the nicest individuals she's met, but having said that my stubborness doesn't bend quite as easily. My problem wasn't being nice. It was bending to the whims of others. Once again, mothers do know best.

In all guilt-ridden silence, I listened to my daddy. He's openly agnostic (but secretly Buddhist, I'd like to believe haha!) but often speaks with such wisdom that I simply am humbled in his (again) hearing presence. He told me that maybe I should just see my shortcomings since I came from Pinas and didn't actually have housetraining instilled in me. I told him that I had been in the 新房屋有六周 and I distinctly remember 我已经丢了三次的垃圾所以，对我来说房东的道理根本讲得很没有道理。My daddy told me to bring it up nicely and ask for specific details- 甚么时候是我丢垃圾的责任，在甚么地方可放东西。 These pieces of information, once asked, will sort out a lot of things and make it easier for everyone。 Daddy said I must be fed up by the constant rambling of the little things that I should be mindful because it is the little things that add up to become the big things that people often fight about. Once again he was accurate. He reminded me that it wasn't simply a matter of putting up/shutting up. It was putting up and shutting up WITHIN REASON. Communication solves everything provided that you are speaking with reasonable people. He told me that he saw how much I had grown up away from them in the last year or so, but that I should speak my mind when I have something to contribute. Then after he shoved the phone back to my mom and in the background I heard him say victoriously, "You're wrong. She listened and I think she got it." (Hahaha talk about me whilst I'm within earshot, WHY DON'T YOU???)

Which leads me to my thoughts in the here and now. Being with B and Go. made me a silent operator. It did. Much less now since I am more open about my feelings. I was happy that I had a chance to speak to Kay-chan today for more than a hour. She sounds well and seems to have adjusted to Japan. Happily I told her how I was. And how much I missed sharing a flat with her. I miss this Japanese lady as she has become a friend through and through. She told me about her H.O. frustrations and how life is in Japan. I finally told her about B and she told me that what happened with B wasn't my fault. B was just not open-minded enough to see me. And I had to tell myself that in the end there was nothing I could do to have prevented what had happened to us. She's right of course. I tell myself everyday and although it's easier, I think my men issues are getting sorted in bits and bobs in jolly ol Londra. (Jolly good!)

Happy to report that I found a pair of size 8 LONG linen pants from Dorothy Perkins for 7 quid!!! Not bad for someone who had no intention of doing any shopping today.

I plan to lie down all week this week because the last fortnight at work simply requires me to avoid moving till Monday comes around AGAIN. Laziness is sometimes a necessary evil, hahaha!

x

His Cup Overfloweth!

2008-08-31T20:43:00.010+01:00

The weekend that was found me texting an old friend (Let's call him N!!!). I found out from a good friend that N was touring Europe with a group of colleagues. I wanted to know if he would find his way to London at some point- would be nice to meet up for dinner and a night-out to catch up. Being away from home makes me yearn for good old-fashioned Noypi company. That said, I got more than I bargained for when a callback 30 minutes later left me speechless. Poor guy was in Greece and suffering from an ear infection that prevented him from travelling via plane, thereby segregating him from his mates & isolating him in the middle of nowhere. I was at work & in the middle of a meeting & said I'd be in touch to check on him.

When I got back in the evening- I texted N wondering how he was coping with his travel plans. Apparently, he was shuffling in and out of Europe via train (make that trainS!!!). He was en route to Ancona via ferry by the time I caught up with him. (There was also obvious dismay in his scaredy cat voice.) He called because he needed help with his schedules and Italian trainlines. No clue as to which Milan-based train to take and when. Neither did I but I didn't think my uncertainty would help so I took on the persona of a know-it-all colleague and gave it a go. Without batting an eyelash (not that he could see!!) I told him train travelling was the craze in Europe & if I could do it easily, then he would do without a hitch. Plus of course he had me to help him out, so what else did he need? I tried calling my Italian ciccia Nicole to ask about the trains in Italy but didn't get through. In the end, it was ol’ reliable Mr Google that saved the day! A big shoutout to translation websites because I don't read a sh** of Italian and still managed to check out more than half a dozen travel schemes. I decided on a couple of options and sent through a ton of SMS.

From Ancona he had to book a train to Milan, then catch the Eurostar that would then allow him to rejoin his group in Paris. Fighting an ear infection could not have helped + being in unfamiliar terrain that was short of English speakers must have been more than a slight annoyance. But N is one of 'em likeable guys with ‘em untarnished auras (which I’m a suck-up for as they are few & far between) and my altruistic self wouldn’t allow for 'the hearing wounded' to be defeated quite so easily. I once witnessed him show a random act of kindness, so I had to PAY IT FORWARD!

On a sunny Saturday , much to the chagrin of my date Rob, N called while we were making our way to Greenwich via Jubilee. Rob remarked more than once that it was sooh sweet (the famous English sarcasm was very thick in his voice!!!) that I was so concerned. Hahaha, I had to laugh when he said that. I can't (and don’t) expect someone local to understand the frightening prospects of travelling alone so far from home. I had been in those shoes once upon a time, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so I certainly can't just be noncommittal. Being away from home was tough enough. I tried to explain it to Rob as we made our way to Canary Wharf. He said that I spoiled my friends, how about spoiling the date who waited for over two months for a change? But I paid him no heed and called N. Phone was OFF. Got to Greenwich- still off. We went around Camden Lock and he was still unreachable. Finally, I got home at 8pm and called to find it was still off. I did my laundry and when I finished at half 9, I got through. Worried sick about the sick little puppy who was finally in Milan but weary and unsure of his next train. He sounded so defeated that I just made it sound like an adventure ala Fear Factor to encourage him. I LIKE THE FEAR...ala NBA!) I even told him I got car-chased by a friggin' Pana less than a month after arriving into the country. I told him it was okey to ask if he didn't know and reminded him to eat his meals and take his medication regularly and of course, to be mindful of his surroundings. I reminded him to check the travel options I messaged to him the night before. He sounded exhausted, and with good reason!

More than once when I couldn’t get through, the eternal optimist innate in me would assume that he was in transit. I was more than a tad worried as I am simply put a worrier beyond compare!!! But rationale prevailed as I told myself he was the shuffling in and out of trains whilst I was simply in and out of Italian train company websites to check train schedules and prices for him. By comparison, helping him find his train connections was the easy part.

Last night shortly before midnight I called him again. He was waiting in Milan for the Eurostar that would set him off to Paris. Finally! He didn't get to purchase a ticket as ticketing office was closed. I got in touch with my French friends, making train inquiry upon train inquiry to ascertain that I was giving him proper instructions. (I confirm that both friends gave me correct instructions which I forwarded readily to him!!!)

I finally got a text that he had arrived in Paris!! FINALLY!!!!! After, he texted and called to tell me I had won an all expenses paid trip to Paris. How generous was he?!?!?!?! He sounded like his jovial self that I couldn't help but laugh. There was the N that I was familiar with.

As of this writing, I am still more than a little overwhelmed by the obvious show of generosity. Kindness always warms me especially since I see so little of it where I am. Did I really do that much to warrant me a freebie to Paris? It didn't feel like that when I sent a casual greeting to an old friend, but the overwhelming generosity...simply put, leaves me speechless.

All's well that ends well.

N & I talked over and over. And it was so fun to talk in Filipino- I hadn't in so long. I am happy that he is finally with his party and sounds like his old self. What a stranger-than-strange circumstance it was- A FRIEND IN NEED HAS BECOME A FRIEND INDEED! I am sure that this weekend made him realise a lot about his strength and quite simply, I am very thrilled that he is finally getting the break he deserves and enjoying the City of Romance!!!

All the best N!!! This ends my weekend and makes me smile.

Remember- You must pay it F-O-R-W-A-R-D!!!

Blatant Do-Gooder

2008-08-31T08:14:00.006+01:00

Sunday morning--

This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.

He came back with a weekend shocker.

At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.

Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.

Surely you jest Wes.

He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.

Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)

Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.

I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.

I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.

Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.

So yes.

Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.

This is kindness. Is it not?

I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.

If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)

Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!

I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!

My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'

I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.

Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?

Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.

On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!

"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)

Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.

My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.

And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.

(Schwing!)

Greenwich

2008-08-30T22:36:00.005+01:00

Went out with a new found friend (NFF) yesterday. We met at noontime and sauntered off to East London and took advantage of the amazing sun. It was just too gorgeous for words. We took the DLR tube with the steady flow of weekend commuters. Thank heavens. I find that am always a bit excited to go to the banking district on weekends. Maybe because I've lived in the Southwest and Northern part that I always truly look forward to sights not oft seen. The wharfy side (minus all the suits hustling and bustling about!) on a weekend was truly a sight to behold. It had been the docks in the olden days and has become the new financial district. Funnily enough NFF didn't like bankers because initial exposure to the lot had been in a wedding, playing plus1 in the midst of HK-based bankers. I don't know what put him off, as he said they were very standoffish. I think the groom had been Cantonese as well so I reckon the language barrier didn't help one bit. On my end, I have met a couple of people who worked in finance and I would have to say that the ones I've met have been pretty cool and down-to-earth.

NFF & I got off our stop and walked into the very quaint town of Greenwich.

Home to the GMT, zero degrees latitude.

Walked to the sight of the Cutty Sark which is still undergoing renovation because of a fire that destroyed it early this year. We walked around and settled into the Coach and Horses for late lunch. I had baked cod and lentils with a side of spinach washed down with free-flowing Pimm's.

Lunch was great. We did more walking and settled onto the lawn for some ice cream and latte. I couldn't help but keep looking up seeing how the sun rarely makes an appearance this intently here in Europe.

Greenwich was the perfect place for a sun sighting. And a great NFF who had a fair grasp of history and geography made it all the more wonderful.

We made a move to Camden after and I imbibed in the bohemian vibe of the place. It was just too much. The artsy Camden.

Postcard from Beijing

2008-08-28T22:11:00.001+01:00

a postcard from my sibling & sis-in-law from Beijing Olympics!!!

x

IF

2008-08-28T14:55:00.003+01:00

by R Kipling

--

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Backward Bender- BEWARE!!!

2008-08-24T23:19:00.002+01:00

I've never been a backward bender. It goes beyond the dictates of my idealistic and fiery Leonine psyche!!!

I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.

In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.

When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.

Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.

Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'

Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!

Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?

Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.

The quest for the ONE is ON!!!

to you

2008-08-21T05:34:00.007+01:00

Dear S

I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.

In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.

Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.

Yes I remember.

I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.

The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.

I'm gonna find a way to you one day.

好事多磨。。。

2008-08-19T18:57:00.000+01:00

I remember reading this poem in middle school. It was given to me by Kristine. She was a batch higher than I and had been my troopmaster when I was uhmmm...a girl scout (it was a mandatory thing!!!) and we continually corresponded until she graduated valedictorian in 1993. She said she read it somewhere and wanted to encourage my growing fascination for poetry. Thinking back now, Kristine had the makings of a modern philosopher. I remember sending her Rossetti's "Remember" a few days before when I had written her a letter. She was in a (BIG) way an individual who was quite instrumental in shaping my love for reflection. (Shall we hit her on the head with a 2L Evian bottle? ha ha!) One of the things I remember about my deep friendships with people way back when was that it fueled my love for old-fashioned correspondence. Rudiments of penned romance, wouldn't you say? The limitless topics shared would freely ebb and flow leaving the receiver with a lot to think and write about, much to the other's chagrin. I have always been a bit more romantic than the normal femme and in my words I felt I was more alive with expression. My mom did say that I was a bit of a recluse when I was a child, I think I retreated into the world of books and let my imagination go wild whenever I had the chance!

Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.

''AFTER A WHILE..."

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)

A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.

I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.

We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.

張口結舌。。。

2008-08-17T07:00:00.003+01:00

(The One where the MN Cabbie gives agentS surreal love advice!!!)

CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？

SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?

CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？

SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？

CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。

SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？

CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。

SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。

CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？

SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.

CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'

SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》

CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。

《and the door opens!》

Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???

A tribute to being Y-O-U

2008-07-18T22:17:00.004+01:00

One of the nicest individuals I've ever had the pleasure of working in close proximity is our part-time deputy [A]. She was, initially, a scary 40-ish Englishwoman in mine eyes when I started working in PS but has gone on to become one of my confidantes cum chatmate in the office. We talk about everything under the sun, from my former flatemate who I miss to pieces till now (a HUGE shoutout to you Oishi-san!!!) to my hits & misses with men in jolly ol Londra. We share so much laughter and her wit is to die for! It all started when I bought her what she calls, 'the perfect banana.' (Oomph!) After that, we have had on occasion had to work together on some projects and ultimately would talk about life, love & the lot. I tell her all my mishaps with men and she tells me to 'bring it on!' She says that men in these parts never really talk to the girl and it is the girl who does the asking out. Whilst I am not anymore fresh off the boat having been in the country a little over ten months, the whole aspect of asking someone out is still not something I can easily do. I can readily tell Jules to ask out the I.T. guy she's crushing on and give her a blow-by-blow of to-dos, but ultimately, this is an ardous task that I feel isn't me. [A] would always tell me that if I wanted to get anywhere with these boys, I simply had to do one thing- ASK.

Last Friday, as we took turns drowning in hordes of paperwork, we decided to up the ante by chatting about the travails of dating. She told me that I was a very fascinating find. (Indeed?!?) The fact that my personhood came into question was unexpected, albeit appreciated. I didn't get what she was saying initially, but she took it to heart to explain very plaintively that she was an Englishwoman, purely born and raised here, with nary a doubt; whilst I was predominantly Chinese in looks and virtue (more or less). And I didn't look anything like the typical Mainland arrival (since I wasn't!), yet every nook and cranny of me was screamingly Oriental. But the insides of me was discovery du jour from the get-go and no one would be able to size me up down pat with a look. She intimated further that although I was born in Pinas, I didn't look anything like the clientele she had come across at work either; and conversations with me would obviously show that my influences were very American. She said she could imagine how endlessly fascinating all that would be to anyone from here.

Admittedly she had made quite a salient point. Although I've always been easy in my skin, undoubtedly proud and unembarrassed by my mixed heritage, it is easy to see how being esconced as one of em everday statistic here, leads one to believe I am as normal as the next person. And to a degree, I am. At the end of the day, we all go to the toilet, don't we?

I told Cindy about it as she helped me packed and I realized that my legacy was never something I fully appreciated until [A] made mention of this special quality. Cin said that it was a very positive thing to verbalize. And that I must have made an impression on my colleague.

It gets me thinking that all this is magnified because I am here. Back home, I always thought I was like the next person in my clique. All Tsinays who work by days and party on weekends. We live with our family, spend their money and never have to budge an inch where housework is concerned. (Does that make us brats, I wonder?) Or does it make us blinder than most? I honestly have no answer. But looking at me know, in all humility, I think I've managed to claw myself away from the rudiments of parent-dependence and ironically, this has brought me closer to my mommy and daddy. I still can't cook to save my life, although I do cook to save myself from hunger. I don't drive a car anymore, but I get to my destination nonetheless. I worry about budgeting and scrimping, and shopping weekly has become an absentee habit which I don't think about anymore. When my mommy calls to ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm well, despite the fact that I'm really wishing she'd hand over some, the way she used to do back when I lived with them. All these changes have brought me to where I am, closer to independence and inches away from all the easy fun I used to be so accustomed to.

I am where God wants me to be, being the individual He wishes me to be. That much I know because that is basically all that matters.

the binge connection

2008-07-18T13:09:00.003+01:00

these stores save my ass when i'm in dire need of the sweet stuff.

Random thoughts of Superstardom (AKA a tribute to Melissa)

2008-07-17T06:21:00.009+01:00

Ｕn。
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-

Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.

When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)

My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.

In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.

Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)

Slow and Steady.

2008-07-12T19:18:00.010+01:00

WELCOME TO HANGOVER ZONE!!! was the signage on my thought bubble when I roused this morning. Much to my misbegotten chagrin, at approximately ten to 8, I told myself I will never walk the drunken path again! (Right.) Once again, who was I kidding? I loved the cider and all that down & dirtydancing. (So it was a gay-friendly pub & I was acting so gay that people might have thought I was a transvestite...my gay friends rock...) But all that gay-talk aside, i had a B-L-A-S-T!!! Who cares, Rodney my personal gay-dar extraordinaire loved my dancing. (Just to say it's Saturday morning as I write this, so I'm not drunk anymore, but I haven't answered any call of nature so technically the alcohol is IN!!!)

I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."

Uhm.

What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?

Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?

Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.

Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.

Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)

When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.

Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?

My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*

Happy Birthday to my wonderboy Alex.

2008-07-11T02:14:00.002+01:00

Ahhhh...Alex.

When I'm with Alex, I'm sure to be at the George & Dragon. While I am far from my ultra outgoing self here in Londra (my disclaimer is that I am not in Pinas anymore!), I must say that the gay-friendly vibe gets me going. The rain was very daunting but I found myself in Old Street, happily to celebrate a rainy day birthday for someone who's provided me with his ray of sunshine this side of the planet.

I will always remember Alex because he encouraged me to find my writer persona. Even helped me get printed on the broadsheet. Not once. Not twice. Thrice!! (Count 'em!!!)

I love ya Alex. Many happy returns today and bon viaje as you find the next chapter of your life in the Far East.

Walk on my good man.

Things that Make Me Go Mmmmm 。。。

2008-07-03T20:22:00.006+01:00

(Or to be more spot-on: He kissed me!!!)

I was kissed.

(Now say this in ClueDo fashion and it will sound like the way it is going in my head)
By a stranger. Out of the blue. In the Victoria station. With his lips.

I was stunned!!!

A complete stranger?

Yes.

A bloody good-looking bloke. (But still...)

I stood there stunned.

He came to me and gave me a huge smile. Kissed both my cheeks. Took my left hand in both of his, kissed it too.

Then smiled again. Then walked away.

I was still standing in the same spot 20 seconds later.

The attendant (who looked like a Jamaican) saw the whole thing, looked at me and said, "I'm guessing you don't know him?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Never seen him before in my life."

And she said, ''He was cute. And it's ok. Your boyfriend don't see...if he did, it's trouble..."

Say what?!?

Sing it with me now... You must remember this... A kiss is just a kiss.... (despite being stolen?)

Apparently for the attendant lady, that is a Y-E-S!!!

Chasing the Sun (Part Deux)

2008-06-19T18:36:00.009+01:00

Nothing about life overwhelms me. Everything about life overwhelms me.

The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.

When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.

I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.

My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!

All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和谈恋爱。狮子座知足根本不间单！！

life's lesson # 1

2008-06-16T21:22:00.005+01:00

At the risk of sounding like a Coelho-wannabe, I went to take a walk down the River Thames today, and wept. Not tears of discontent, far from it. Because truly, I feel blessed to be where I am. I feel God could not have chosen a more beautiful canvass to teach me the many things I never would have known had I chosen to stay in my comfort zone.

My tears were that of loneliness. I miss my family so much that I yearn for them, but I don't feel ready to go back. Although I understand that all this time away from them is teaching me so many valuable lessons. It is not time to be with my family but being away from them has taught me about embracing solitude and seeing the bigger picture. Solitude has become something of a reality for me, and although it does hit its lows, I don't run from it anymore. I used to be deathly afraid of loneliness and I ran away from it, foolishly... into the arms of repression and denial. Now I sort of just sit down and deal with it. It comes and it goes and more and more I am adapting to it.

Nothing is easy here but life is teaching me a lot more than loneliness. I'm learning a tough lesson on survival, resilience and humility...but i'm doing well and will keep at it.

a big shout out to the great unknown

2008-06-16T21:00:00.001+01:00

Julia and I went to a fundraiser a fortnight ago at the Grosvenor Hotel for the Sichuan Earthquake victims. I found myself seated beside a hottie who was admittedly not very tall, but certainly very distracting. I've always been a sucker for a man with kind eyes and he clearly upped the ante because his kind eyes met mine in a fundraiser. Kind eyes and a beautiful heart. Nobody but nobody gets away with that combination!!!

Oh pray tell what's a girl to do? Being the individual who hates being lodged into her dang seat for more than 20 minutes, I was moving about and invading his personal space. He smiled and would talk to me and I was wondering about him.

I had all but let go of him...but I dreamt of him last night.

To Mr Fundraiser with the kind eyes. I just really need to get those kind eyes out of my system which is why I'm sending it out into the big unknown knowing that most probably, nothing will come of it but the catharsis will do me good.

x

(what is it about men, me & amazingly beautiful hotels???)

The Bradshaw Case Studies

2008-06-13T23:30:00.003+01:00

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love"

(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)

In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.

Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.

Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan

Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.

Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.

Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.

Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.

Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.

Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.

haunted by a memory。。。

2008-06-11T13:58:00.006+01:00

It is the extreme that inspires. Whether a thought, an action or a memory, it is that which is put into the extreme that defines an experience. The form is but secondary- it is what it brings on that is prime rib. It is not a simple case of happiness VS sadness. (In actual fact, it ain't simple at all.) In all honestly, why would anyone waste time writing down your feelings when youre on top of the happiness mound? Just revel in your happiness...

Though in times of sadness, it is a completely different ballgame. I feel that one writes with utmost poignancy because any intense feelings (regardless of +/-) dupes us out of normalcy and gets us thinking and feeling so much that in the end the only thing to do is (at least for this blogger) W-R-I-T-E. I don't understand the whys and wherefores of so many things, but before i lay me down to eternal quietude, I would love nothing more than to know more truths about LOVE（the kind that lasts, the kind that speaks of forever).

不论到哪里总会看到你。。。长得相似的人，看起来都像你。。。岁然你已经不在我身边。。。自己已经往前走我的路。但是为甚么还不断出现在我眼前？我为甚么竟然等待, 不让你离开我。

我相信彼此喜欢的人，终究还是会重逢, 不管两个人相隔再遥远，终究还是会回来。只要能使一切当做没发生过.
疯狂爱你的记忆和往事正在寻找你。不能再以爱情为理由束缚你。爱情终究会回来.

I see him in everyone I encounter. Still and all, it is his face that lights up the crowd. Every day I see him, and every person I see resembles him. And although I've moved on and he is no longer beside me, I walk my walk and his memory never leaves me. I wonder- why does he never disappear? I know not why I keep his memory close by me.

(Maybe I believe too much in romance that it works against my psyche.)

x

the highlights of the week that was.

2008-06-07T21:58:00.004+01:00

To the Cuz'n who isn't really a cousin
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)

The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.

Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.

With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).

I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.

Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.

My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)

Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.

So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)

Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!

x

=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .

S

to be or not to be。。。

2008-05-30T06:34:00.004+01:00

If you feel that you are in a very difficult time in your life now, it is because your conscience is egging you to make THAT decision (you know what I'm talking about ciccio, no if & buts 'bout it!)...LIFE should be lived forwards & how else do you take it a step up? Take yourself a step further. Be OUT there.

How I've always admired you for your stalwart beliefs and directives in life. Be unselfish. Impart these thoughts. Initially, they may resist, but intention is key. And if they see through your actions that the concern is genuine, they will sit up and listen. How many fiends have they taken in because of the same false promises? Which is why you will not fail because you will go in with a clean mind and a pure heart. Two things that will make a world of a difference in the arena you are about to tread. As I've said, FEAR is not a factor. My friend, you have always been my benchmark for goodness. Believe that you can do it.

All that aside, feel free to give me a shout. it isn't a very hard thing to do and I will call you because that's what friends do. Keep it real ciccio and don't resist- you will find that it is fate that finds Her way to you (of course like Mother Nature, Fate is femme...haha). Anyway, I am digressing- think of making the best of what today brings and doubtless you will find yourself in good shape in the not-so-forseeable future.

Your friends will tell you the same thing I'm saying and if they are your real friends...they will help and listen and fight your fights and make it theirs.

Cheers to you mate and your mate! Build this dream together. There's no turning back. (Ain't no mountain high enough!)

Be brave Ciccio. No time for pensive (oxymoronic) excuses. Now YOU go to the mattresses.

(for inspiration it's Franki Valli and the 4 Seasons- Walk like a Man!)

Now i've go to work and walk the talk. Keep me in the loop!

happy ever after...

2008-05-28T20:36:00.006+01:00

I was on the train today (as I am on most days, but today I had a thought). And travel takes up so much of my time that it drives me to do the inevitable- it gets me thinking. When it's not secretly people-watching or Sudoku that keeps me occupied, it's usually a string of random thoughts pulled together by emotions (mine) so intense that I find myself losing sleep (and for a sleepyhead like myself, that says a LOT). I often think of myself as a parody. I have beautiful illusions of the world in my mind yet no such illusions carry over where I am concerned. Why is that? Optimistic about every little thing but big 'ol me. The one thing I should be most optimistic about!!! I do hold the world in extremely high regard. I believe in happy endings...second chances...romance...laughter (not the kind that's at the expense of other people because that is so not cool!). Everything in my head appears more fantastic, phantasmic and always ultimately beautiful. Although I am often misinterpreted to be lackadaisical in my thinking and manner (the lazy lopsided smile and the slow and steady stride doesn't help, I reckon...) yet in all truthfulness (and the truth sets you free so I know I'm on the right track!), I feel I keep a lot of my emotions in me that sometimes I surprise myself. How I am touched by the smallest things and how easily I find beauty in the things that escape the human eye. A beautiful melody, a haunting line so apt to my life that it tugs at my heart, a memory long gone but still as vivid as ever, the sight of lovers whispering...so many little things that are gone in a nanosecond that they often occur unnoticed by the common tao. Maybe I am of the uncommon kind??? Could be.

Last week a stranger gave me a koala keychain from Oz. It felt so weird to be the recipient of such a gift. It is a talisman I carry with pride (my handbag clutches to it at least). A stranger I offered a seat to looking into her tired traveller peepers, lo and behold! It wasn't the first time I did it but I must admit it is a very novel thing for Londoners to watch in action. My parents would bonk me if I took a seat while silently watching someone slightly senior take the ramp. It does not happen on their watch, so why should I allow it to happen on mine? Anyway...back to my kewpie koala... I almost lost it once but a kindly man signaled to me and the koala which for a temporary moment found its way on the sordid Piccadilly trail left for dirt, came back to mama!! I've always been lucky with strangers (unlucky with love, lucky with strangers...incredible irony of my good fate with the unfamiliar! (Where's the brainstorm in that?) I told my friend R today how I felt I had no luck with love but that I believed love is loverlier the second time around (My fair Lady inspired line!). She said I was stronger than I cared to admit and that I was gonna find my very happy ever after/second chance because in mine eyes all things remained bright and beautiful.

It's been a fortnight since I did my laundry that my wardrobe's become a mish-mash of the dreaded threads I choose not to wear (Never really if I had my way). Ca**o! When friends ask me why I never get around to doing laundry I tell them with glee-- because my 'muse' (when he makes his way to my Rostrevor doorstep) will clean and cook and love me like there's no tomorrow. And I will finally understand that my yesterday had to happen because if it hadn't then I would not yearn for him the way I do now as I wait for him and his sturdy horse.

So to my modern manly muse- come hither! (OR as my colleague Nicky says-- Come the f*** on!!!)

x

S

an open letter of apology to one man

2008-05-12T19:58:00.004+01:00

B,

I admit too much has happened and I know with finality that it's over. We're over. And that it's just a matter of time till I take my own name again and let go of what legacy we had hoped to build together. This has been easier said than done. Took me all of four years to own up to this. Worry not, this is not some last-ditch to save us. (These four years we've spent apart I've come to the conclusion that we both don't think "WE" are worth the save.) And I'm way over it now but there's still something to be said about you and I. An apology. Mine. To you. One which I hope gets to you as you turn a day wiser today. It is what it is and I hope you accept it for what it is. It is very hard for me to say this so I hope that you would at least read it once.

So much time has passed and you would think every little hurt, pain...will fizzle into oblivion. But still there's one thing I haven't done, and it's to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know that I admit my responsibility for some of the blame. After four years- my blog can look you in the eye and tell you how sorry its owner is for hurting you. Straight from this Lionness' mouth! Took me long enough eh?

Started out innocently enough. P, a friend of mine from there, read my blog recently and said he could feel in my words how intensely I feel about you. How could I not?! Through YOU, I learned so much about life...love...tradition (and how it's not always a good thing)... and passion. I learned a lot while we were together, but I think I learned in the last four years as well. Absence makes the heart grow wiser apparently. In the time that we've been apart, I wasn't out partying and wandering in the streets getting lost in my woes. I'm too good for that now but sometime in the forgettable past I did wander.

In hindsight, I saw how I wasn't always keen on showing how much I felt. How I was always holding back. I wonder why now, you were my husband. But foolishness isn't always a rational thing and till now, I admit, the reason still escapes me... I suppose I'm built this way. Anyways, truth be told, I didn't start out loving you so much and I never expected that I would. And despite what people may think, I did love you in my own way. A little bit more each day that we were together but all that changed on that fateful Valentine's Day (c.1999). You had my heart tied to you by an unbreakable umbilical chain.

Now that I'm more accepting and open about it, I saw "US" for the first time. From an outsider's point of view. How we had been together and how heated things got when we argued. I understand now it wasn't simply because we were different (although that was also quite true), but also because we loved each other too much. Martha always said she was particularly surprised by how intensely we looked at each other. It's strange how it was always clear to her because it never seemed that way to you. I loved you so much. I was always afraid to show you and say out loud how much I loved you because I was afraid saying it made me 'weak.' I remember how I felt alive with you. Just you. When we'd walk home, my arm in your hand, car keys in the other. It was all I wanted. That whole bit. Just you...none of the trimmings. Just YOU. The time we had in BC stands out as one of my best memories with you. One I think of still whenever the London weather is beautiful. Cleaning your car, going to the groceries, having Chinese chibug at 4 in the morning at that Cantonese resto which has proly folded by now and getting bumped up to first class on our honeymoon. Thinking back, we did have some good times. We were so young and so foolish!

Believe it-- these are all realizations that came to me after four years of denial. That I regret not showing you just how much I loved you. And wishing I could have shown you more and told you more when you had been with me. It is true, one never regrets what one did wrong, in hindsight one always regret what one didn't do when she had the chance. Yes these are the things I regret, but I wish to leave it behind now. I want to leave my memories of you where it is- in my past. I can't hold on to loneliness forever and I feel ready to leave it all behind. Let's not border on martyrdom. That's taking it too far.

I remember how I fingerpointed at all your shortcomings, knowing fully well I had my faults as well, but never opening up to my end of the blame. It was always so much easier to blame the other person... how you should have done this and that differently. Now I realize I could have been more assertive. We went into the marriage with love but our expectations were vastly different. In in the end there was no way but to go separate ways. You were a proud and traditional man who wanted a subversive wife. I really don't know how you ended up choosing me (let's blame it on love!). I was impulsive, too out-of-the-box and idealistic. Your mom had once said I had read too many books. I reckon now she may have been right. But it was through this books that I knew I felt the real thing for you- so the books were alright. I knew then that all I wanted was you and a small house and our independence... we would be the couple who would start small and make our mark in life together. Given what I wanted, I don't know how I ended up with you either (again, let's just blame it on love shall we?)

My biggest fault and I admit my fair share in this was that I had been too timid to speak up and say I wasn't ready to get married because I had so much ambition in me. I remember that afternoon so vividly. I didn't have class and you came to visit me and we lay on my bed. When you broached the subject of marriage. I still remember so well. I was fine with Sam but the marriage part scared me. I had seen how my dad hurt my mom and I didn't want that. And I was too afraid to admit this to you, afraid you would think it was because I didn't love you enough (which is not the case, I found out the hard way in these couple of years) and think less of me. But I loved you so much that I married you thinking I was gonna wing it as we go along. I was always an optimist, wasn't I? And I thought how hard could marriage be? Shouldn't be too hard because we had love...right? Remember how we said we would never become that old couple who lived in one roof but barely talked? Well well, look at us now. We're not friends and have yet to resolve our issues. Think we marr(i)ed each other for life.

I don't know how to un-love someone who has been so much a part of my life. There are days when I wake up feeling that I can un-love you. Just like that. But there is one thing I can't get my heart to wipe out-- that soft spot that will always be intended for you. It will always be there. Like it or not, you are someone who's taught me so much yet caused me so much grief. But if I knew then and avoided this path, what of life can I hope to pass on? At least now I know that love (at least, the real kind) will never leave me. And although there are days when I wake up feeling empty, I handle it better and just mosey on...

Let me tell you now what I realized in the last four years (no thanks to denial...)-- that you don't choose what you feel and who you feel it for. Maybe love doesnt really end? I'm still wondering about this question really. Hopefully, one day I will wake up with the realization that the sad part is over. I know now love needs no reciprocation. Love will always be love, eventhough you have accepted with finality that it will never come full-circle. That much I can ascertain about us. The point is-- love came to me and I am thankful that it taught me a thing or two about life's realities. And it's holidaying in my sadness as we speak but one day, real soon now I feel, it will decide to leave. But I will be left stronger and with renewed optimism. I feel that more and more lately.

Oh ...I feel like breaking away from your memories and my sadness. I feel it's time. So yes, in the last four years I have learned my lesson the hard way, and while I will move on and accept the past easily-- the hardest part has been coming to terms and forgiving myself.

Happy birthday.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

In time, there would be a lot of things you2 will want to ask me, and one day I hope I have the chance to tell you how my life was spent apart from you2. I haven't wandered off. I am still here. Always here.

x

advice from an English stranger...

2008-05-07T14:01:00.002+01:00

Chatted to a nice 40-ish lady of leisure (?) outside NatWest. Beautiful English woman full of life and laughter. It really is the sun that makes all the difference, isn't it?

Told me to find a good man, snag him and give him babies.

Yes just your (EXTRA)ordinary chat in jolly ol London.

She made me smile. And HOPE.

x

Maestra--- moi?!?

2008-05-02T22:55:00.004+01:00

I start teaching my students on Tuesday. I was put in charge of the Upper-Intermediates. I feel a bit anxious and a bit excited about this development. I am about to prepare my lesson plan as I ponder on the 20-minute and 40-minute exercises that I am to prepare for this week.

I have a bit of an issue with this. A minute alter-ego-ish ish. Really. I have a fear of public speaking. Normally I fare very well one on one but I have a converse attention problem. The moment that all eyes are on me, I seem to lose sight of my focus and my speech just tattles on its own. So it isn't that I freeze and dry. (Didn't I say 'CONVERSE' attention prob???) But I feel this is a minor altercation I will have to overcome and that is why I chose to take up this course.

The challenge is to teach the students and use the 20 minutes given to me as a chance to make a difference by teaching them something that they will hopefully use when they speak in the near future. If I can leave at least a couple of language nuggets in their minds then the exercise would not have been in vain.

I feel very pressured to make a difference because one of my Spanish students remarked to me that it has been years and she hasn't felt an improvement in her English

Ah...all this will change.

After all, I am the hostess with the mostest. Rowwwrrr!!!

xx

to I 。。。

2008-04-28T19:28:00.011+01:00

AIN'T it strange that the most memorable interactions I have with you can be found on the electronic trunkline? In hindsight, I find that I prefer this because whenever we'd hang and see each other in Capone's or Dish for an alcoholic dip, there's just so much awkwardness-- I can't speak for you but that was how it felt on my end at least. But online, ooh online。。。 I find that our exchanges thrill me to no end。 Ah, you are such good fun! You are one of the friends who reads me so well and makes me sit up and listen。I am inspired to become a better person after talking to you。Must be automatic to-do with friendships oft forged with words。 Even you have to admit, we don't catch each other often, but when we do it's always laugh-out-loud and time well spent。 Our talks are always enjoyable and they always leave me with some influential nuggetS of wisdom。 Yet, after our few and far between chats, I'm often left wondering about 'us,' semi-appended by something a friend of yours said to me in passing over coffee some years ago。。。that you & I just never had the 'chance.' Chance。。。did we truly not? Or did we both just excel in foresight, so much so that we subconsciously decided to forego the chance? Now and then, I'd wonder what he meant (most recently when I had passed a poster that had a Dylan Thomas quotable we once chatted about on my way home from class), and reduced it to LIP SERVICE。 Men, I feel, excel in this craft, and you my friend, are better than most, at saying the right things to make a woman。。。ask for more (?)

What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!

Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。

Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。

So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)

But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。

It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!

I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。

Besos!

x

S

a letter to a 'cousin'

2008-04-27T20:16:00.004+01:00

Hi, sorry it took forever to write you back. I have been swamped with enough work & academic load that this was the soonest I could respond. I have been on the run for a good fortnight now as one of my colleagues decided to leave and one is actually off sick (on account of Sweet and Sour Pork poisoning...). Wish I had more exciting reasons for the delay in correspondence but! ). Apart from the gorgeous weekend weather and barbecue, I suppose this is what you have to contend with with. All work and no play makes me a dull gal, don't it? In truth I ran to the barbecue after class ended at 4.30. I was exhausted beyond belief and my friends had to push me to have some rum and unwind. It worked! Barbecue ala girl talk with Doritos and spiked OJ did me some good. I relaxed after my first glass.

Today I gave myself a pedicure and had a DVD run with a friend of mine. Her name is Nicole. We saw "Legends of the Fall." I've told her some months ago about her namesake and she has seen her recent picture as well...thanks to you. All Nicoles are beautiful...I daresay.

Thank you for the number. I will try to get in touch with her. (I'm still trying to sum up the courage to communicate. As for me and B, we are not really in speaking terms, but getting there (?). The starting point is always the hardest but hopefully, progressive. I am hopeful as I have prayed endlessly before deciding to call him.

I see no chance of getting back together. (I don't believe in long distance. Haha! Kidding.) Truth be told, too much has happened and it is quite safe to assume that all has been said and done and that both parties have moved on from whatever commonalities were shared. I've grown so much since leaving him some four years ago. I would like to think that he is a better individual than he was a leap year ago. They always say it, that 2 bad people can make a good relationship and conversely, 2 good ones can make a bad one. I'd like to believe that we fit into the latter. I suppose it is safe to say that I still carry my pain with me (battle scars?), but it is a closed book. I am sure he will say it in less words but the gist will be the same. Reconciliation can happen in several forms, can it not? I have offered a step to friendship countless times but I can only secondguess when that will actually materialize. I think back now to the time that we had been together. I had loved him so much once upon our time and despite my losses, I choose to look back and see how we once laughed and lived for each other. Love is hard to find, and so easy to lose and misplace. I realize my faults and am a better person despite everything. One day, when I am ready, I hope to find it again, but for now, I am perfectly content that it eludes me. Yes, I think of "them" and dream of them more than I care to admit. I am hopeful that one day we will be together. I pray that He leads the way.

Let me know about your visa and of course should your itinerary include London.. do keep me posted. What countries do you hope to visit??? Nicole's been getting me to go to Turin and I'm still wondering if I can this year. The Italians, God bless their bread and pasta, are such amazing cooks!!! They're a sunny bunch!

x

Besos and God bless.

S

liking the FEAR

2008-04-19T18:39:00.003+01:00

Chatted to a friend today who tuned me into liking the 'fear' (watch and learn)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3vmpM2FGzU

There's so many emotions at the end of the season,
...and nobody likes to talk about it.
But one of them is FEAR.
Fear that you've come this far and it could all end.
The dream could die... but ME?
I like the fear...
It means I'm close...
it means-- I'm ready.

Talked to Shala today. I told her how loneliness was a reality people didn't like facing. I told her it was why people did the dumb things they do-- judge people or treat them less than they deserve or let them go even when there's a chance for love. People feared loneliness and they fear attachments. Sometimes I think I am one of them.

Yes, I like the fear.

Bring it on.

谈恋爱。。。

2008-04-01T19:57:00.006+01:00

Second day in a row that the weather's been nice and dandy! (Virtually unheard of in these parts。)
We went to Hampshire with the delegation and one of the temps came in today and started talking to me about 谈恋爱。 It got me thinking about love as I've come to know it in my life。 I have been IN only twice in my life, had a ton of close calls, but before I was within the periphery, I was just taken off the circle。In hindsight, I have only good memories about these semi-redeeming men, yet they have left me hopeful-- that one day the one will come, sweep me off my feet, catch my fall and we will set adrift。

After a tiring two-day's work, our team of five, celebrated by having drinks at our friendly Nero。 My favorite barista always, always, always double-stamps my card, and I dearly adore him for it。 Along with other gals, I took the road oft traveled。 The train ride wasn't half-bad－ the view was as picturesque as it was peaceful。 The sun was out, what more could one ask? Leonine that I am, I am a big sun-flasher。 We rode back in the car, chucked in the back like a couple of sardines in a tin and colleagues repeatedly echoed and wondered why I was quiet beyond belief。 Strange, I normally am the quiet one in the pack, but that day, every one (even the MD) asked what was up with me。 I murmured my apologies and feigned sleep, yet in all honesty, a huge part of my heart wasn't in the conversation because all I could think of was。。。HIM。 A part of me, truth be told still feels confused。 How could I have been so wrong when I had felt so sure with him? How can someone so openly profess his love and leave me to drown in the bloody deluge? Unable to fight with me and for me。 A huge part of me knows it's all over and done with and yet, a tiny impassioned speck sparks on。 There are the few and far between moments when I still think of him and cry。 Yes, it feels good to know that I have felt 谈恋爱 the only way possible, yet with that same albeit dimming intensity, the pureness of these feelings were for naught! I still feel a tad stung by love's bittersweet aftertaste, and I can't help but feel betrayed。。。still。 The betrayal is a dullache, a reminder of all the sadness and emptiness that love can bring as well。 It has been quite a while since I last felt this emptiness。How insignificant my love was to him! 到此为止，我挺爱背叛了我的臭小子。我真的很难受。Moving on。。。is this an impossibility? Giving myself again to someone that way again- is it even possible after being let down?

。。。after four years, my HEART is tired。 And it wants to move on and take a breather。 To stop thinking of him。 Loving him is a hopeless bull's eye。其实我和爱彼此有倒霉关系，但是我坚智有浪漫的理想，我也不清楚为甚么，反正我对爱有激情，我都无所谓。I may feel hopeless about the man, but I am hopeful and expectant that LOVE, when it comes again, will be redeeming and beautiful。

x

S

the road to Rostrevor 。。。

2008-03-31T20:45:00.006+01:00

Ciccia J,

Guess how I started my morning? Whilst walking to the nearby tube station, I called my ex just to say hi, among other things... He was nonchalant to hear my voice. It's funny now- how one time in my life a decade ago I vowed to spend my lifetime with him. It was weird to call him and hear a stranger answer. For a nanosecond I had wanted to tease him the way I used to a million times before, but I stopped myself. He didn't belong to me anymore. Once upon a time, he was mine to tease...when we were young lovers. Yet seeing how things have evolved, I realized we clearly grew up differently. And now that we're older, we're but strangers with nothing to say to each other. I don't know if you can use the term 爱 still, sometimes I still feel it is, but denial tells me it really is concern for someone who holds a big chunk of my past. He wasn't just my plus one. He was my ONLY one. Now, when people shit-talk him (and I have heard lots- that I have grown into myself nicely compared to Peter Pan in his Xenon World), I still feel bad and hurt for him. Sometimes, I think of calling him when I am particularly distressed by news, yet I am not in any place to check on him. When I hear he is doing well, I am happy, happy that he is in the fit of things. I still wish we could remove all bitterness and be friends but it has been four years and who knows how many leap years will leap through time till we regard each other as friends again. I know I had my share of mistakes (well NOT as grave as what I was accused of) but I realise now that I could have done more. And I still wish upto now, that I tried harder to stay friends. Hmmm we were 2 kids playing grown ups and we felt that because we had love, we had it all. How foolishly wide-eyed, do you not think so? My friend G and I chatted over the weekend and she told me that I am still filled with naivete- that I trust too easily and believe too much in the goodness of people, I've thought about what she said, but I think it really is my choice, to believe that people are still good deep down. Although now, I must say, this heart is not as easily fooled as before.

Went to Cambridge today with a slew of jetlagged delegates in tow. It was such a beautiful day even the Cambridge officials couldn't help but remark as we went about the presentation for the 中国 delegates-- Thank you for coming today and brining with you the beautiful weather. The sun was out, it was cool with no wind in sight...ah yes, spring is finally here。 Although the trip was work-related I did enjoy myself immensely. I am always happy to engage in banter and learn about people from all walks of life. There were some mini-blights along the way, but all throughout, everything was magic. Not bad for a Monday.

Your electronic music delivery courtesy of Gmail was much appreciated. One of the songs is ''learn to be lonely,'' I have heard it way back when and now I must say with utmost confidence, the last test to finally going full circle with loneliness is chucking it out of your vocabulary and replacing it with SOLITUDE. Of course I'm still not practical-- I'm a LEO, passion is the ultimate satiety for my kind. I still want the kind of love that makes you ache and makes you cry and leaves you with all the tummy butterflies, until then...solitude is fine for me, baby!

Lastly, let's talk about the cat who makes my day by coming to me voluntarily as I walk past her house on my way to work on the road called Rostrevor.

x

S

ballet virgin。。。 NOT!!!

2008-03-28T23:57:00.002Z

So as of tonight, this gal's a ballet virgin no more!!!

I had the pleasure of joining my ciccia Nicole to the ballet tonight at the Colisevm for Cranko's Romeo and Julet. Covent Garden was buzzling and wet...and because we were early we had semi-hot lattes and walked around. I finally saw Kay's famous Pineapple Dance Studio and we were approached by two strange men separately while we were roaming the crazy streets of the West End. Amazing how people seem to not mind the rain and the chills of 'spring'... I can just imagine how warm it must be back home and getting a call from my good friend Pong only made homesickness a notch higher! He called me about a problem he was having. It felt so weird to be talking to someone from home, lost in the West End. It almost felt like I was in one of 'em PLDT commercials.

Ballet has always been a very daunting thing for me. True-- I've always been fascinated by theatre but that was the length of my 'cultural' immersion, sort of. Being here and meeting all kinds of people taught me so much, simply opening my eyes to the experience of nationalities that thrive differently. I am fairly open and easy to please...I appreciate different things... and although I've never been to the ballet before and viewed it all with a novice's eye, I am actually happy I went. It was very weird to watch something that was all orchestra and classical dance. I did appreciate it and was thinking that if it had been The Phantom of the Opera, I would definitely be blown away. The actors were very expressive. I can imagine how hard it must be being on the tips of your toes with your facial expressions all aglow. It was certainly an experience and I'm still amazed at the thought that I survived three acts without any talking. I loved the second act. It was very playful and the rapport that the corps de ballet had with the audience was just amazing. The talent was just mind-blowing. I told Nicole to start dancing already so I can watch her and cheer her on. I've gotten very close to her and I am very thankful for the friends who I've met here. I've been lucky. Really lucky.

I laughed a lot in the second act and fell in love with the adorable corps de ballet and cried a bit as well... Romeo and Juliet is one flippin' sad love story. And I hate sad endings which is virtually why French films don't appeal to my do-gooder persona!

x

S

2008-03-26T20:26:00.000Z

Field of Dreams。

2008-03-26T08:28:00.006Z

25.03.2008 i feel a sense of impending doom loom over me this morning 。。。the onslaught of my 大姨妈, i suspect. Train to Radlett is delayed。 Even the flippin' train schedules are being mooned by my symptoms?

Know how there are dreams when you know all along you're a spectator in the whole shebang? How about the ones which feel like ''choose your own adventure" types that leave you facing a make-or-break choice and you're simply left。。。 too stunned to make any move? Well last night, the one I had felt R-E-A-L. I dreamed a dream last night of a man。 it felt so real。。。so much so that I couldn't budge thinking I would wake him。 I didn't move at first, scared he might have come in through my window。（Told you he felt real.） And when i did finally realize that moving wouldn't cause him to strike, I stirred, yet he didn't move-- not one bit。。。it almost felt as if he was expecting me to be there. By his side。 It was an eerie realization on my part (worrywart the I am), til i realized that every thing about him was so familiar 。。。 somehow。 He was snoring softly by my side betwixt pillows。。。 now, the question-- who is he ???

26.03.2008
District line sucked big time today。 i took a bus to South Ken and from the tube did Piccadilly and changed to Jubilee。 I can't survive more of these train delays。 I'll be outta my mind if there are delays AGAIN tomorrow! So help me God!

i dreamt of 。。。 last night- I haven't in a long time。 it makes me think that LOVE'S MERITS far outweighs its shortcomings。 I did love once (yes, I am capable of the emotion.), yes once upon a time, i did give my heart fully and without reservation。 We‘ve all been there-- the overwhelming feeling called love and with it, a hope for this love to thrive forever in our security blanket。 We all wish to hold on to it forever-- although oftentimes like any other thing in this world, love loses its flavour。。。and we, the lovers who are ill-prepared, are left to wall ow in its droppings。 in my case, four- year old droppings。 The more I see in this world, the more it becomes painstakingly clear to me that as i come full circle, it is the basics that i go back to。。。the memory of a first kiss, first love。。。but unlike that young cazo, I've all but moved out such moronic illusions, the hapless naivete of finding novelty in all those sweet firsts and realize that as life happens to hop along and take us for another love-ride, we are more mature and better equipped to find those feelings with someone better suited for us。

Now the question-- who is he that is set to replace and restore this passion?

Back to Boundaries。

2008-03-15T01:19:00.007Z

T, my landlord came trouncing into the flat late last night。。。more than a little tipsy and a lot chatty。 I was in the sitting room watching a sappy Korean soap （which I admit has fast become an addictive pastime) whilst having a glass of vino rosso having just sent my tired ciccia home with the doggie bag fare of Gladiatore per favore. T walked in roundabout 12ish and started talking to me about courses he sometimes leads during weekends on commitment, intimacy & sexuality。 On the onslaught twas my politeness that was humoring him as we jumped from topics of the ongoing Korean war to Geisha books and the life of service they live out and the what-nots。。。till the topic of commitment just landed on my caca-faccia (poo-poo face。。。Let's thank the four-year old 'man' Nico for the term of endearment。) As T elaborated on the topic I usually shun talking about in the first person (namely Moi), he asked me what D (大老板) casually asked me over lunch today。 What was is about payday Friday that made people ask Moi these things?

” Why are you single? Don’t you miss being in a relationship? What keeps you occupied in Londra during weekends if you’re not in a proper relationship with someone? ” I don't know why but NOT is really the only answer to the question however which way you attack it。

I’ve always liked talking to Tony because he‘s a very reasonable and knowledgeable guy。 He had been a radical hippie in the 60s, traveling around the world by bus and cycle。。。 between him and his memories are what a life lived in full is all ‘bout。 He was very introverted but he picks up on the convo very very quickly and is very eager to share his honesty and thoughts. What more can I ask for??

I told him I wasn’t used to the casualness of relationships that's so blatantly rampant。 And he told me that I had nothing to fear as long as I had my boundaries in check。 I asked him what he meant。 And he said that the problem with the world today was that there were no rules—not like when he had been young。 Those days he said that you grew up knowing right and wrong and boundaries were set for you (by your parents primarily) until you figure it out for yourself in your eventual maturity。 Way back then- you grew up knowing what you wanted。 It starts with simple rules at home, he says。 You came home and washed the dishes after dinner every night。 You did something wrong, you got punished。 You did your fair share of the house chores because those were the rules。 It taught you discipline and responsibility and enforced a stability into your mindset。 Nowadays, people had a lackadaisical attitude about everything and have the anything goes mindset in whatever they did。 And this was what screwed up an individual, taking with it misplaced belief systems as well。 He says that in the first place, whoever grows up thinking s/he is owed something is just a git who will find trouble in his/her dealings。 It is because people have an idea of what they wanted that they put their beliefs into practice。 if you grow up not knowing about rules/responsibility & boundaries, you consequently will not know what you to expect from someone else －－this is but a simple fact of life。How would you know what you wanted from another person if you are unclear about what you specifically want out of life? Very salient point he makes。He says that LOVE is always on the top of everyone's WANTS list but often a great majority lack the skill in establishing boundaries that we unintentionally screw up relationships and lose LOVE in the process。

I think listening to him tonight gave me a lot to ponder on-- a broader view of life, living and the lot。 It makes sense to look for someone who not necessarily sees the world in the exact way that you do yet definitely someone who will walk and take that same direction is someone worth spending some time with。Two people may not sync perfectly (the concept of Mr。 Perfect is lost to me and a 100% match is another myth), but whoever takes the time to know where you go in life is definitely someone worth having and keeping by your side。 Sometimes, although less & less now, I still feel lost here-- alone & uncertain of people and a bit wary of myself and their general expectations。 But talking to T has made me realise that it is okay to NOT know everything, because somewhere in the middle of it all, you do learn. Suffice it to say, I have surpassed the grieving process of my past an am now in the mode of forgiving, letting go and loving myself。

OF COURSE one misses being in a relationship and singlehoold may be EXTRAhard here, but I'm not gonna just jump into the couplehood bandwagon when I'm finally liking solitude and realizing my worth。 That's an oversimplification but it is a truth I have accepted。For some reason, I’ve somehow magically left people with the general belief that my life is more exciting than it really is。Well past the age of impressions and misinterpretations, I really couldn't care less what people thought, because now I can say with utmost certainty that I am at home with myself。

It must be the leo in me, the romantic wide-eyed dreamer with the life of a party musings that gives that hard-hitting impression that i'm fun all the way? Because I am far from what people initially think- I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT。 I used to be dumbfounded by this。 Now I've realized- to people who make deductions and assumptions? Leave them be! And to the rare friends who have gone the extra mile to get to know me? You have a slot in my heart (and I have a big heart so don't worry about it not having space for the deserving individuals。)

I don't wake up with anyone, yet I've lost the un-loving feeling of waking up next to someone who was wrong for me。 I can vouchsafe that I am not safe in someone's arms for I am safe in my own shell。I am not in a so-so relationship with someone。。。 I am aglow from a relationship with myself。 Self-love at its finest (So slap me)。 I am passionate about myself and see myself braving greater heights-- to my infinity and beyond!!!

x

S

dee dee dee spells Destiny

2008-03-12T13:26:00.002Z

Was pleasantly surprised by your question about Destiny.

If I believed in it。。。

Let me talk to you about this thing called destiny. It comes in close connivance with that other thing called Fate. I have always had it in my imaginings that Destiny's the guy, and Fate- well you guessed it, she's Miss Thang. And the two of them is a rarely formed union- almost a phantasmic one。 But let me tell you how this couple shakes you up, titillates you and just saunters off。。。 leaving you wondering/wandering to fend for the banalities of (dare I say?)。。。 *love*

Ahh, yes. Fate & Destiny。 Under a tree。 Coosome twosome that they are, they don't come by every day, but I bet you when they do they definitely leave a mark。

How dare love。 How dare love, indeed。。。

But we are digressing。 I don't know about Destiny。 I believe in it, of course and I know it will happen but until it does. Let's call it my emotional Loch Ness. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it's an important part of the equation.

Let me tell you about signs. Yes, signs. Because for destiny to come through, you have to know how to spot signs. Yes, the real thing that overwhelms you in circumspect and you’re stuck for a nanosecond, lost in neither here or there。。。 That, my dear, is a bloody sign。

Like waking up at 6 in the morning because 2 liters of spring water (Evian on the dancefloor!) miraculously spilt on your bed and found its way up your thighs so you're wet。 Right there. It's the shits if you slept at 3-- having spent the early part of the night redwining and dining and then nightcapping by overloading your tipsy self with a healthy dose of self- studying 。。。 So, 6am & Evian wees into you。 Pray-tell, what's a gal to do? You resist the urge to stand but。。。two liters? Twas pneumonia or bust! So you somehow found your way up, amidst damning reluctance-- and you remove a stack of books from the bed. A hotel servette comes out of nowhere-- you grab a hold of it and start cleaning up the mess (which technically is not a mess because it's spring water。。。but the amount of spring water gushing into your bed is not something you ignore， not at 6 in the morning。 You remember thinking that it had to be good quality servette because despite the amount of water that it was absorbing, it still was intact。 Not the awful kind they had at the £1 store. The servette had Baglioni Hotels written on it. You think hard and then remember where it came from but you can't. So you google it. And you see pictures of the bar and suddenly, it hits you that some months ago, someone brought you to the best date of your life and... there inside that hotel you had cafe disaronno.

And he asked you to see him. Exclusively. You hold on to the servette and start waving the hairdryer in dire hopes of saving the token whilst remembering how you said no without thinking because you didn't want any trouble。 Because that question was a headache, and often those lead to hearthache。 And because you panicked。 All these thoughts because of a serving napkin-- you realize with regret that mayber you should have been more open to seeing him。 And now you think maybe（just maybe) you were too harsh on him and that you've lost your chance because he's gone now。

Think that's a sign? I think it's impossible to miss that as an un-sign.

Hmm lunchbreak is almost over.

Let me think about your destiny question. It's the kind of question that gets to me. Permit me to write again.

Baci

x

S

an open letter to J

2008-03-11T14:40:00.000Z

Hey mars!

It felt so good to receive your handwritten letter. And the DVDs. And the dressed-to-kill outfits(hehe.). Didn't expect the Magic Sing so that made me jump up with glee. You know how happy karaoke makes me! I can't wait to karaoke! I will sing and think of everyone! I also know you're not the type of person to write letters so I really appreciate your doing so. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling after reading it. Thank you for everything. I really feel your love and support. Even Cin said as much. That I am lucky to have someone like you as my family.

I am well here, as well as can be.

Happy? Hmm...I don't know, I think I've reevaluated a lot of my beliefs since touching down last year. Being happy means having someone to share your blessings with and that is not the case now, is it? Maybe "at peace" is the appropriate term. I really miss you guys, I think I realized the value of home and family here. But in the same breath, I guess I feel that London is kind of home too- because although I've lived there my whole life, it was here that I got to know what 'grown up' feels like. Initially, the taste of it was very tempting and scary, but it made me think of the things I avoided facing back home. I gave myself some time to grieve over past regrets and failures so now I sort of handle my independence responsibly. It's not an easy thing, not in London, but it's a scary reality that I've had to face in the last couple of months. I've gotten used to cleaning the house, and enjoying loneliness. I drink very responsibly (only at home & around people I trust). I don't drink myself to deathly and dangerous degrees anymore- so relax. Most of the days, I just look at the bright side of things and survive.

When I first got here, I was always moping and Kay (my very cool, very spiritual & very Japanese flatemate) offered me so much support, friendship and kindness. Sometimes I'd come home browbeaten from work and the commute and she welcomes me with good conversation and laughter. And she cooks so damn well. Like Ueshima Coffee Company (UCC) food. I so miss a cup of joe from there. Super! She makes a mean Japanese pancake and her salads are to-die-for. One time we had Tako-yaki and sake. I wish you could have met her. She's back in Japan now. All that food talk aside, she was someone I could turn to and talk with and hang out with. We've gone around London and we even went to Greenwich together. Kay is one of the nicest people I've met here. I've been really lucky. I have a friend named Nicole too. I will tell you about her in time.

In a sense, I have forgotten what it's like to be there, doing what I normally do. Sometimes I think of life and how easy-going I was and thinking back, I don't think I can relate to that person anymore. I seem to have forgotten her already. But for the life of me, I will never forget Saturday family lunches at Polo. I haven't forgetten what Cima salads taste like & how Vodka feels when taken on a humid gimmick night. I miss how the sun feels when I walk to Fort Boni High Street and I definitely remember how a weekly massage ala Analyn feels... and how much I loved it. .

But I am definitely going home. Just a question of when! So wait for me.

I want you to know I am well. And that I am in God's periphery. So write me... again?

Une beso grande

letter to J-J-C 。。。

2008-03-05T10:03:00.003Z

Dearest J-J-C,

Hi! I am doing GOOD in London. It has been four months + a couple of days since I left. I work as a marketing assistant and am gonna a course that will certify my standing as an English teacher to Adult students. I've been thinking of doing this for a very long time, so why not now? I am where people live and breathe English. It snowed today when I stepped out of the office. It was freezing but I couldn't help but smile to myself. Snow has never fallen from where I've come from (and come to think, it shouldn't even be snowing here as spring is coming...but it is London, isn't it?). The crazy London weather is as unpredictable as a gay and a premenstrual chick in heat--COMBINED!! A bit wide-eyed but all'S good. We can only live with what pathetic doses of sunshine we get in these parts. The infamous London weather. Needless to say, I've never been a fan of the cold. I like my sun where I can see it. But the experience of snow falling was just too novel to not indulge. I like
it here because I've found a bit of a quiet place where people mind their own business and don't gossip.

Thank you for being so forthright. Your tone was very direct yet unmistakably well-meant and warm. It may seem weird,
because we have never really corresponded. But from the get-go, you've always been nice to me, so there really is no reason for ill-will is there? I have no negative feelings and I'm not offended by your honesty. I guess when people speak from the heart, it automatically shows. Thank you for saying what you said. Now...if only everyone thought the way that you do...

I have grown so much in the couple of months I've been here yet not a day goes that I don't think of . . . so the picture came at such a good time. It's still very hard to talk about 。。。 It's like I have a deep part in my putaway heart where I keep my moments with 。。。 To be honest, I thought I'd forget since I am so faraway。 Out of sight, out of mind-- isn't that what they always say? Didn't quite work that way。 Especially not with 。。。 And seeing the photo today 。。。so perfect 。。。and just so amazing。。。In all honesty, I wish to be in touch with 。。。 Do you think it's a possibility? I really wish I could write an email and ask how everyone is doing. Shoot for the moon don't they always say that as well??? In God's time I also dream of exchanging emails with 。。。 To be in touch is not a plan to vindicate, to spar with my ex- 。。。or defend myself, but just to be visible in my own way. I knew what it was like. There is no doubt in my heart that I didn't love 。。。and I want to say that my leaving was not because I didn't. 在她的生日，我发了一封短信给 ex-婆婆 , 但她并没复。 I know it's far from ideal but the thought of corresponding with 。。。 will really be enough for me for now。 I used to work with a Polish guy named 。。。 and one of my good friends here is an Italian dancer named 。。。 It's funny how 。。。find ways to me. There isn't a day I don't dream。 On a wildcard night of dreaming, I think of having 。。。here in London with me. Wishful thinking taken maybe to the moon and back. I dream of bringing 。。。over, maybe one
day, when the timing is impeccable, I will。

My life here is pretty normal. Basic really. Aside from work and school, on my own time, I self-study my Mandarin and a bit of Italian。 As of now, I can fluently cuss in Italian。我学习中文也是有工做的关系。I chat with a friend of mine who's Taiwanese but based in Vegas, it has improved my writing in Mandarin as well。 I try to watch Disney films dubbed in Italian and have started appreciating Italian music, most recently blind ambition called Bocelli。He's just such a wonderful singer。 Maybe one day he will sing in my wedding。 My life doesn't sound all that fun but I like solitude。 It is hard quality to learn but I find now that it defines me 。。。 my individuality, my growth and my goals。 Learning keeps me busy here。 I am a bit homesick, but I miss family and relations。。。and 菲律賓 food. The pubs here hold no appeal for me, and I'm not a fan of
greasy fish and chips.

Where do you live now? When did you decide to go home? It's amazing that you're now in 马尼拉. Do you like it? 马尼拉 is always home, isn't it? I feel that way at least. Now that I've been away, I feel that more than ever. But I feel that leaving was a good decision. I found focus here。 And it's nice you get to talk to 。。。so I'm send hugs & kisses your way。

Hmm。。。 I wonder if 。。。 still remembers ping pang my pully。。。

Write again。 And thanks for being my friend。 I don't know what I did to deserve it, but i am appreciative of your goodness。 If you do find yourself in London, you should let me know.

With love,

S

2008-01-12T01:43:00.001Z

Do you know what it feels like to be kissed in the rain?

personal legend manuscript?

2008-01-01T09:11:00.002Z

(I found these between pages of my tattered Warrior of the Light copy. Added for good measure!)

They say that the older we get, the quicker we move through life. To some extent, I believe this is true. As I move into the wilderness that is Londra, where the pace of life is much quicker than what I am accustomed to, I still think that it is healthier to have time to stop and smell the flowers. Such an impassioned statement from someone who hasn't explored life, love and the lot-- not in its brimming fullness, at least.

Ah big words, signorina!!

Alone in Londra... wasn't it true that sometime in my not-so-distant past, I've wondered what it was like to be alone. (Well, now I am revelling in it!!!)

I am alone now. For once, I am as single as they come.

And I realize now that although it does not make me a sinner, it certainly doesn't make me a saint.

Life is truly what I make it. And I make it out to be uncertain and unexplored, but brimming with so much possibilities! Maybe it is my ideals and values (and my emotional baggage the size of Scotland) that makes me scared to commit...too afraid that I will give too much and leave myself for dead...again. At the end of the journey, one must make like a dog and mark her boundaries (haha). Till then, I am going to flit from flower to flower and see what of life I missed when I was committed to someone.

Who was it that said, above all, to yourself be true? And it is true.

Despite all that I've seen, I choose to believe in love. Let it fluorish. To remember never to go with the throng who may be wrong. Because only when you are alone that you are enlightened.

In the meantime, discover the world. Traverse boundaries.

Love yourself. And, don't lose heart. Believe in fate-- remain foolishly idealistic!!!

x