Chasing the Sun (Part Deux)

Nothing about life overwhelms me. Everything about life overwhelms me.

The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.

When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.

I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.

My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!

All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！

life's lesson # 1

At the risk of sounding like a Coelho-wannabe, I went to take a walk down the River Thames today, and wept. Not tears of discontent, far from it. Because truly, I feel blessed to be where I am. I feel God could not have chosen a more beautiful canvass to teach me the many things I never would have known had I chosen to stay in my comfort zone.

My tears were that of loneliness. I miss my family so much that I yearn for them, but I don't feel ready to go back. Although I understand that all this time away from them is teaching me so many valuable lessons. It is not time to be with my family but being away from them has taught me about embracing solitude and seeing the bigger picture. Solitude has become something of a reality for me, and although it does hit its lows, I don't run from it anymore. I used to be deathly afraid of loneliness and I ran away from it, foolishly... into the arms of repression and denial. Now I sort of just sit down and deal with it. It comes and it goes and more and more I am adapting to it.

Nothing is easy here but life is teaching me a lot more than loneliness. I'm learning a tough lesson on survival, resilience and humility...but i'm doing well and will keep at it.

a big shout out to the great unknown

Julia and I went to a fundraiser a fortnight ago at the Grosvenor Hotel for the Sichuan Earthquake victims. I found myself seated beside a hottie who was admittedly not very tall, but certainly very distracting. I've always been a sucker for a man with kind eyes and he clearly upped the ante because his kind eyes met mine in a fundraiser. Kind eyes and a beautiful heart. Nobody but nobody gets away with that combination!!!

Oh pray tell what's a girl to do? Being the individual who hates being lodged into her dang seat for more than 20 minutes, I was moving about and invading his personal space. He smiled and would talk to me and I was wondering about him.

I had all but let go of him...but I dreamt of him last night.

To Mr Fundraiser with the kind eyes. I just really need to get those kind eyes out of my system which is why I'm sending it out into the big unknown knowing that most probably, nothing will come of it but the catharsis will do me good.



x

(what is it about men, me & amazingly beautiful hotels???)

The Bradshaw Case Studies

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love"



(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)

In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.

Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.


Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan

Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.

Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.

Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.

Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.

Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.

Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.

haunted by a memory。。。

It is the extreme that inspires. Whether a thought, an action or a memory, it is that which is put into the extreme that defines an experience. The form is but secondary- it is what it brings on that is prime rib. It is not a simple case of happiness VS sadness. (In actual fact, it ain't simple at all.) In all honestly, why would anyone waste time writing down your feelings when youre on top of the happiness mound? Just revel in your happiness...

Though in times of sadness, it is a completely different ballgame. I feel that one writes with utmost poignancy because any intense feelings (regardless of +/-) dupes us out of normalcy and gets us thinking and feeling so much that in the end the only thing to do is (at least for this blogger) W-R-I-T-E. I don't understand the whys and wherefores of so many things, but before i lay me down to eternal quietude, I would love nothing more than to know more truths about LOVE（the kind that lasts, the kind that speaks of forever).

不论到哪里 总会看到你。。。 长得相似的人，看起来都像你。。。岁然你已经不在我身边。。。自己已经往前走我的路。 但是为甚么还不断出现在我眼前？ 我为甚么竟然等待, 不让你离开我。

我相信彼此喜欢的人， 终究还是会重逢, 不管两个人相隔再遥远，终究还是会回来。 只要能使一切当做没发生过.
疯狂爱你的记忆和往事正在寻找你。 不能再以爱情为理由束缚你。 爱情终究会回来.

I see him in everyone I encounter. Still and all, it is his face that lights up the crowd. Every day I see him, and every person I see resembles him. And although I've moved on and he is no longer beside me, I walk my walk and his memory never leaves me. I wonder- why does he never disappear? I know not why I keep his memory close by me.


(Maybe I believe too much in romance that it works against my psyche.)



x

the highlights of the week that was.

To the Cuz'n who isn't really a cousin
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)

The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.

Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.

With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).

I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.

Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.

My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)

Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.

So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)

Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!



x



=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .



S

to be or not to be。。。

If you feel that you are in a very difficult time in your life now, it is because your conscience is egging you to make THAT decision (you know what I'm talking about ciccio, no if & buts 'bout it!)...LIFE should be lived forwards & how else do you take it a step up? Take yourself a step further. Be OUT there.

How I've always admired you for your stalwart beliefs and directives in life. Be unselfish. Impart these thoughts. Initially, they may resist, but intention is key. And if they see through your actions that the concern is genuine, they will sit up and listen. How many fiends have they taken in because of the same false promises? Which is why you will not fail because you will go in with a clean mind and a pure heart. Two things that will make a world of a difference in the arena you are about to tread. As I've said, FEAR is not a factor. My friend, you have always been my benchmark for goodness. Believe that you can do it.

All that aside, feel free to give me a shout. it isn't a very hard thing to do and I will call you because that's what friends do. Keep it real ciccio and don't resist- you will find that it is fate that finds Her way to you (of course like Mother Nature, Fate is femme...haha). Anyway, I am digressing- think of making the best of what today brings and doubtless you will find yourself in good shape in the not-so-forseeable future.

Your friends will tell you the same thing I'm saying and if they are your real friends...they will help and listen and fight your fights and make it theirs.

Cheers to you mate and your mate! Build this dream together. There's no turning back. (Ain't no mountain high enough!)

Be brave Ciccio. No time for pensive (oxymoronic) excuses. Now YOU go to the mattresses.

(for inspiration it's Franki Valli and the 4 Seasons- Walk like a Man!)

Now i've go to work and walk the talk. Keep me in the loop!

happy ever after...

I was on the train today (as I am on most days, but today I had a thought). And travel takes up so much of my time that it drives me to do the inevitable- it gets me thinking. When it's not secretly people-watching or Sudoku that keeps me occupied, it's usually a string of random thoughts pulled together by emotions (mine) so intense that I find myself losing sleep (and for a sleepyhead like myself, that says a LOT). I often think of myself as a parody. I have beautiful illusions of the world in my mind yet no such illusions carry over where I am concerned. Why is that? Optimistic about every little thing but big 'ol me. The one thing I should be most optimistic about!!! I do hold the world in extremely high regard. I believe in happy endings...second chances...romance...laughter (not the kind that's at the expense of other people because that is so not cool!). Everything in my head appears more fantastic, phantasmic and always ultimately beautiful. Although I am often misinterpreted to be lackadaisical in my thinking and manner (the lazy lopsided smile and the slow and steady stride doesn't help, I reckon...) yet in all truthfulness (and the truth sets you free so I know I'm on the right track!), I feel I keep a lot of my emotions in me that sometimes I surprise myself. How I am touched by the smallest things and how easily I find beauty in the things that escape the human eye. A beautiful melody, a haunting line so apt to my life that it tugs at my heart, a memory long gone but still as vivid as ever, the sight of lovers whispering...so many little things that are gone in a nanosecond that they often occur unnoticed by the common tao. Maybe I am of the uncommon kind??? Could be.

Last week a stranger gave me a koala keychain from Oz. It felt so weird to be the recipient of such a gift. It is a talisman I carry with pride (my handbag clutches to it at least). A stranger I offered a seat to looking into her tired traveller peepers, lo and behold! It wasn't the first time I did it but I must admit it is a very novel thing for Londoners to watch in action. My parents would bonk me if I took a seat while silently watching someone slightly senior take the ramp. It does not happen on their watch, so why should I allow it to happen on mine? Anyway...back to my kewpie koala... I almost lost it once but a kindly man signaled to me and the koala which for a temporary moment found its way on the sordid Piccadilly trail left for dirt, came back to mama!! I've always been lucky with strangers (unlucky with love, lucky with strangers...incredible irony of my good fate with the unfamiliar! (Where's the brainstorm in that?) I told my friend R today how I felt I had no luck with love but that I believed love is loverlier the second time around (My fair Lady inspired line!). She said I was stronger than I cared to admit and that I was gonna find my very happy ever after/second chance because in mine eyes all things remained bright and beautiful.

It's been a fortnight since I did my laundry that my wardrobe's become a mish-mash of the dreaded threads I choose not to wear (Never really if I had my way). Ca**o! When friends ask me why I never get around to doing laundry I tell them with glee-- because my 'muse' (when he makes his way to my Rostrevor doorstep) will clean and cook and love me like there's no tomorrow. And I will finally understand that my yesterday had to happen because if it hadn't then I would not yearn for him the way I do now as I wait for him and his sturdy horse.

So to my modern manly muse- come hither! (OR as my colleague Nicky says-- Come the f*** on!!!)




x

S

an open letter of apology to one man

B,


I admit too much has happened and I know with finality that it's over. We're over. And that it's just a matter of time till I take my own name again and let go of what legacy we had hoped to build together. This has been easier said than done. Took me all of four years to own up to this. Worry not, this is not some last-ditch to save us. (These four years we've spent apart I've come to the conclusion that we both don't think "WE" are worth the save.) And I'm way over it now but there's still something to be said about you and I. An apology. Mine. To you. One which I hope gets to you as you turn a day wiser today. It is what it is and I hope you accept it for what it is. It is very hard for me to say this so I hope that you would at least read it once.


So much time has passed and you would think every little hurt, pain...will fizzle into oblivion. But still there's one thing I haven't done, and it's to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know that I admit my responsibility for some of the blame. After four years- my blog can look you in the eye and tell you how sorry its owner is for hurting you. Straight from this Lionness' mouth! Took me long enough eh?


Started out innocently enough. P, a friend of mine from there, read my blog recently and said he could feel in my words how intensely I feel about you. How could I not?! Through YOU, I learned so much about life...love...tradition (and how it's not always a good thing)... and passion. I learned a lot while we were together, but I think I learned in the last four years as well. Absence makes the heart grow wiser apparently. In the time that we've been apart, I wasn't out partying and wandering in the streets getting lost in my woes. I'm too good for that now but sometime in the forgettable past I did wander.


In hindsight, I saw how I wasn't always keen on showing how much I felt. How I was always holding back. I wonder why now, you were my husband. But foolishness isn't always a rational thing and till now, I admit, the reason still escapes me... I suppose I'm built this way. Anyways, truth be told, I didn't start out loving you so much and I never expected that I would. And despite what people may think, I did love you in my own way. A little bit more each day that we were together but all that changed on that fateful Valentine's Day (c.1999). You had my heart tied to you by an unbreakable umbilical chain.


Now that I'm more accepting and open about it, I saw "US" for the first time. From an outsider's point of view. How we had been together and how heated things got when we argued. I understand now it wasn't simply because we were different (although that was also quite true), but also because we loved each other too much. Martha always said she was particularly surprised by how intensely we looked at each other. It's strange how it was always clear to her because it never seemed that way to you. I loved you so much. I was always afraid to show you and say out loud how much I loved you because I was afraid saying it made me 'weak.' I remember how I felt alive with you. Just you. When we'd walk home, my arm in your hand, car keys in the other. It was all I wanted. That whole bit. Just you...none of the trimmings. Just YOU. The time we had in BC stands out as one of my best memories with you. One I think of still whenever the London weather is beautiful. Cleaning your car, going to the groceries, having Chinese chibug at 4 in the morning at that Cantonese resto which has proly folded by now and getting bumped up to first class on our honeymoon. Thinking back, we did have some good times. We were so young and so foolish!


Believe it-- these are all realizations that came to me after four years of denial. That I regret not showing you just how much I loved you. And wishing I could have shown you more and told you more when you had been with me. It is true, one never regrets what one did wrong, in hindsight one always regret what one didn't do when she had the chance. Yes these are the things I regret, but I wish to leave it behind now. I want to leave my memories of you where it is- in my past. I can't hold on to loneliness forever and I feel ready to leave it all behind. Let's not border on martyrdom. That's taking it too far.


I remember how I fingerpointed at all your shortcomings, knowing fully well I had my faults as well, but never opening up to my end of the blame. It was always so much easier to blame the other person... how you should have done this and that differently. Now I realize I could have been more assertive. We went into the marriage with love but our expectations were vastly different. In in the end there was no way but to go separate ways. You were a proud and traditional man who wanted a subversive wife. I really don't know how you ended up choosing me (let's blame it on love!). I was impulsive, too out-of-the-box and idealistic. Your mom had once said I had read too many books. I reckon now she may have been right. But it was through this books that I knew I felt the real thing for you- so the books were alright. I knew then that all I wanted was you and a small house and our independence... we would be the couple who would start small and make our mark in life together. Given what I wanted, I don't know how I ended up with you either (again, let's just blame it on love shall we?)


My biggest fault and I admit my fair share in this was that I had been too timid to speak up and say I wasn't ready to get married because I had so much ambition in me. I remember that afternoon so vividly. I didn't have class and you came to visit me and we lay on my bed. When you broached the subject of marriage. I still remember so well. I was fine with Sam but the marriage part scared me. I had seen how my dad hurt my mom and I didn't want that. And I was too afraid to admit this to you, afraid you would think it was because I didn't love you enough (which is not the case, I found out the hard way in these couple of years) and think less of me. But I loved you so much that I married you thinking I was gonna wing it as we go along. I was always an optimist, wasn't I? And I thought how hard could marriage be? Shouldn't be too hard because we had love...right? Remember how we said we would never become that old couple who lived in one roof but barely talked? Well well, look at us now. We're not friends and have yet to resolve our issues. Think we marr(i)ed each other for life.


I don't know how to un-love someone who has been so much a part of my life. There are days when I wake up feeling that I can un-love you. Just like that. But there is one thing I can't get my heart to wipe out-- that soft spot that will always be intended for you. It will always be there. Like it or not, you are someone who's taught me so much yet caused me so much grief. But if I knew then and avoided this path, what of life can I hope to pass on? At least now I know that love (at least, the real kind) will never leave me. And although there are days when I wake up feeling empty, I handle it better and just mosey on...


Let me tell you now what I realized in the last four years (no thanks to denial...)-- that you don't choose what you feel and who you feel it for. Maybe love doesnt really end? I'm still wondering about this question really. Hopefully, one day I will wake up with the realization that the sad part is over. I know now love needs no reciprocation. Love will always be love, eventhough you have accepted with finality that it will never come full-circle. That much I can ascertain about us. The point is-- love came to me and I am thankful that it taught me a thing or two about life's realities. And it's holidaying in my sadness as we speak but one day, real soon now I feel, it will decide to leave. But I will be left stronger and with renewed optimism. I feel that more and more lately.


Oh ...I feel like breaking away from your memories and my sadness. I feel it's time. So yes, in the last four years I have learned my lesson the hard way, and while I will move on and accept the past easily-- the hardest part has been coming to terms and forgiving myself.



Happy birthday.



-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-


In time, there would be a lot of things you2 will want to ask me, and one day I hope I have the chance to tell you how my life was spent apart from you2. I haven't wandered off. I am still here. Always here.



x

advice from an English stranger...

Chatted to a nice 40-ish lady of leisure (?) outside NatWest. Beautiful English woman full of life and laughter. It really is the sun that makes all the difference, isn't it?

Told me to find a good man, snag him and give him babies.

Yes just your (EXTRA)ordinary chat in jolly ol London.

She made me smile. And HOPE.


x

Maestra--- moi?!?

I start teaching my students on Tuesday. I was put in charge of the Upper-Intermediates. I feel a bit anxious and a bit excited about this development. I am about to prepare my lesson plan as I ponder on the 20-minute and 40-minute exercises that I am to prepare for this week.

I have a bit of an issue with this. A minute alter-ego-ish ish. Really. I have a fear of public speaking. Normally I fare very well one on one but I have a converse attention problem. The moment that all eyes are on me, I seem to lose sight of my focus and my speech just tattles on its own. So it isn't that I freeze and dry. (Didn't I say 'CONVERSE' attention prob???) But I feel this is a minor altercation I will have to overcome and that is why I chose to take up this course.

The challenge is to teach the students and use the 20 minutes given to me as a chance to make a difference by teaching them something that they will hopefully use when they speak in the near future. If I can leave at least a couple of language nuggets in their minds then the exercise would not have been in vain.

I feel very pressured to make a difference because one of my Spanish students remarked to me that it has been years and she hasn't felt an improvement in her English

Ah...all this will change.

After all, I am the hostess with the mostest. Rowwwrrr!!!


xx

to I 。。。

AIN'T it strange that the most memorable interactions I have with you can be found on the electronic trunkline? In hindsight, I find that I prefer this because whenever we'd hang and see each other in Capone's or Dish for an alcoholic dip, there's just so much awkwardness-- I can't speak for you but that was how it felt on my end at least. But online, ooh online。。。 I find that our exchanges thrill me to no end。 Ah, you are such good fun! You are one of the friends who reads me so well and makes me sit up and listen。I am inspired to become a better person after talking to you。Must be automatic to-do with friendships oft forged with words。 Even you have to admit, we don't catch each other often, but when we do it's always laugh-out-loud and time well spent。 Our talks are always enjoyable and they always leave me with some influential nuggetS of wisdom。 Yet, after our few and far between chats, I'm often left wondering about 'us,' semi-appended by something a friend of yours said to me in passing over coffee some years ago。。。that you & I just never had the 'chance.' Chance。。。did we truly not? Or did we both just excel in foresight, so much so that we subconsciously decided to forego the chance? Now and then, I'd wonder what he meant (most recently when I had passed a poster that had a Dylan Thomas quotable we once chatted about on my way home from class), and reduced it to LIP SERVICE。 Men, I feel, excel in this craft, and you my friend, are better than most, at saying the right things to make a woman。。。ask for more (?)

What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!

Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。

Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。

So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)

But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。

It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!

I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。

Besos!

x

S

a letter to a 'cousin'

Hi, sorry it took forever to write you back. I have been swamped with enough work & academic load that this was the soonest I could respond. I have been on the run for a good fortnight now as one of my colleagues decided to leave and one is actually off sick (on account of Sweet and Sour Pork poisoning...). Wish I had more exciting reasons for the delay in correspondence but! ). Apart from the gorgeous weekend weather and barbecue, I suppose this is what you have to contend with with. All work and no play makes me a dull gal, don't it? In truth I ran to the barbecue after class ended at 4.30. I was exhausted beyond belief and my friends had to push me to have some rum and unwind. It worked! Barbecue ala girl talk with Doritos and spiked OJ did me some good. I relaxed after my first glass.

Today I gave myself a pedicure and had a DVD run with a friend of mine. Her name is Nicole. We saw "Legends of the Fall." I've told her some months ago about her namesake and she has seen her recent picture as well...thanks to you. All Nicoles are beautiful...I daresay.

Thank you for the number. I will try to get in touch with her. (I'm still trying to sum up the courage to communicate. As for me and B, we are not really in speaking terms, but getting there (?). The starting point is always the hardest but hopefully, progressive. I am hopeful as I have prayed endlessly before deciding to call him.

I see no chance of getting back together. (I don't believe in long distance. Haha! Kidding.) Truth be told, too much has happened and it is quite safe to assume that all has been said and done and that both parties have moved on from whatever commonalities were shared. I've grown so much since leaving him some four years ago. I would like to think that he is a better individual than he was a leap year ago. They always say it, that 2 bad people can make a good relationship and conversely, 2 good ones can make a bad one. I'd like to believe that we fit into the latter. I suppose it is safe to say that I still carry my pain with me (battle scars?), but it is a closed book. I am sure he will say it in less words but the gist will be the same. Reconciliation can happen in several forms, can it not? I have offered a step to friendship countless times but I can only secondguess when that will actually materialize. I think back now to the time that we had been together. I had loved him so much once upon our time and despite my losses, I choose to look back and see how we once laughed and lived for each other. Love is hard to find, and so easy to lose and misplace. I realize my faults and am a better person despite everything. One day, when I am ready, I hope to find it again, but for now, I am perfectly content that it eludes me. Yes, I think of "them" and dream of them more than I care to admit. I am hopeful that one day we will be together. I pray that He leads the way.

Let me know about your visa and of course should your itinerary include London.. do keep me posted. What countries do you hope to visit??? Nicole's been getting me to go to Turin and I'm still wondering if I can this year. The Italians, God bless their bread and pasta, are such amazing cooks!!! They're a sunny bunch!


x

Besos and God bless.


S

liking the FEAR

Chatted to a friend today who tuned me into liking the 'fear' (watch and learn)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3vmpM2FGzU

There's so many emotions at the end of the season,
...and nobody likes to talk about it.
But one of them is FEAR.
Fear that you've come this far and it could all end.
The dream could die... but ME?
I like the fear...
It means I'm close...
it means-- I'm ready.

Talked to Shala today. I told her how loneliness was a reality people didn't like facing. I told her it was why people did the dumb things they do-- judge people or treat them less than they deserve or let them go even when there's a chance for love. People feared loneliness and they fear attachments. Sometimes I think I am one of them.

Yes, I like the fear.

Bring it on.

谈 恋 爱。。。

Second day in a row that the weather's been nice and dandy! (Virtually unheard of in these parts。)
We went to Hampshire with the delegation and one of the temps came in today and started talking to me about 谈恋爱。 It got me thinking about love as I've come to know it in my life。 I have been IN only twice in my life, had a ton of close calls, but before I was within the periphery, I was just taken off the circle。In hindsight, I have only good memories about these semi-redeeming men, yet they have left me hopeful-- that one day the one will come, sweep me off my feet, catch my fall and we will set adrift。

After a tiring two-day's work, our team of five, celebrated by having drinks at our friendly Nero。 My favorite barista always, always, always double-stamps my card, and I dearly adore him for it。 Along with other gals, I took the road oft traveled。 The train ride wasn't half-bad－ the view was as picturesque as it was peaceful。 The sun was out, what more could one ask? Leonine that I am, I am a big sun-flasher。 We rode back in the car, chucked in the back like a couple of sardines in a tin and colleagues repeatedly echoed and wondered why I was quiet beyond belief。 Strange, I normally am the quiet one in the pack, but that day, every one (even the MD) asked what was up with me。 I murmured my apologies and feigned sleep, yet in all honesty, a huge part of my heart wasn't in the conversation because all I could think of was。。。HIM。 A part of me, truth be told still feels confused。 How could I have been so wrong when I had felt so sure with him? How can someone so openly profess his love and leave me to drown in the bloody deluge? Unable to fight with me and for me。 A huge part of me knows it's all over and done with and yet, a tiny impassioned speck sparks on。 There are the few and far between moments when I still think of him and cry。 Yes, it feels good to know that I have felt 谈恋爱 the only way possible, yet with that same albeit dimming intensity, the pureness of these feelings were for naught! I still feel a tad stung by love's bittersweet aftertaste, and I can't help but feel betrayed。。。still。 The betrayal is a dullache, a reminder of all the sadness and emptiness that love can bring as well。 It has been quite a while since I last felt this emptiness。How insignificant my love was to him! 到此为止，我挺爱背叛了我的臭小子。 我真的很难受。Moving on。。。is this an impossibility? Giving myself again to someone that way again- is it even possible after being let down?

。。。after four years, my HEART is tired。 And it wants to move on and take a breather。 To stop thinking of him。 Loving him is a hopeless bull's eye。其实我和爱彼此有倒霉关系，但是我坚智有浪漫的理想，我也不清楚为甚么， 反正我对爱有激情，我都无所谓。I may feel hopeless about the man, but I am hopeful and expectant that LOVE, when it comes again, will be redeeming and beautiful。




x


S

the road to Rostrevor 。。。

Ciccia J,

Guess how I started my morning? Whilst walking to the nearby tube station, I called my ex just to say hi, among other things... He was nonchalant to hear my voice. It's funny now- how one time in my life a decade ago I vowed to spend my lifetime with him. It was weird to call him and hear a stranger answer. For a nanosecond I had wanted to tease him the way I used to a million times before, but I stopped myself. He didn't belong to me anymore. Once upon a time, he was mine to tease...when we were young lovers. Yet seeing how things have evolved, I realized we clearly grew up differently. And now that we're older, we're but strangers with nothing to say to each other. I don't know if you can use the term 爱 still, sometimes I still feel it is, but denial tells me it really is concern for someone who holds a big chunk of my past. He wasn't just my plus one. He was my ONLY one. Now, when people shit-talk him (and I have heard lots- that I have grown into myself nicely compared to Peter Pan in his Xenon World), I still feel bad and hurt for him. Sometimes, I think of calling him when I am particularly distressed by news, yet I am not in any place to check on him. When I hear he is doing well, I am happy, happy that he is in the fit of things. I still wish we could remove all bitterness and be friends but it has been four years and who knows how many leap years will leap through time till we regard each other as friends again. I know I had my share of mistakes (well NOT as grave as what I was accused of) but I realise now that I could have done more. And I still wish upto now, that I tried harder to stay friends. Hmmm we were 2 kids playing grown ups and we felt that because we had love, we had it all. How foolishly wide-eyed, do you not think so? My friend G and I chatted over the weekend and she told me that I am still filled with naivete- that I trust too easily and believe too much in the goodness of people, I've thought about what she said, but I think it really is my choice, to believe that people are still good deep down. Although now, I must say, this heart is not as easily fooled as before.

Went to Cambridge today with a slew of jetlagged delegates in tow. It was such a beautiful day even the Cambridge officials couldn't help but remark as we went about the presentation for the 中国 delegates-- Thank you for coming today and brining with you the beautiful weather. The sun was out, it was cool with no wind in sight...ah yes, spring is finally here。 Although the trip was work-related I did enjoy myself immensely. I am always happy to engage in banter and learn about people from all walks of life. There were some mini-blights along the way, but all throughout, everything was magic. Not bad for a Monday.

Your electronic music delivery courtesy of Gmail was much appreciated. One of the songs is ''learn to be lonely,'' I have heard it way back when and now I must say with utmost confidence, the last test to finally going full circle with loneliness is chucking it out of your vocabulary and replacing it with SOLITUDE. Of course I'm still not practical-- I'm a LEO, passion is the ultimate satiety for my kind. I still want the kind of love that makes you ache and makes you cry and leaves you with all the tummy butterflies, until then...solitude is fine for me, baby!

Lastly, let's talk about the cat who makes my day by coming to me voluntarily as I walk past her house on my way to work on the road called Rostrevor.

x

S

ballet virgin。。。 NOT!!!

So as of tonight, this gal's a ballet virgin no more!!!

I had the pleasure of joining my ciccia Nicole to the ballet tonight at the Colisevm for Cranko's Romeo and Julet. Covent Garden was buzzling and wet...and because we were early we had semi-hot lattes and walked around. I finally saw Kay's famous Pineapple Dance Studio and we were approached by two strange men separately while we were roaming the crazy streets of the West End. Amazing how people seem to not mind the rain and the chills of 'spring'... I can just imagine how warm it must be back home and getting a call from my good friend Pong only made homesickness a notch higher! He called me about a problem he was having. It felt so weird to be talking to someone from home, lost in the West End. It almost felt like I was in one of 'em PLDT commercials.

Ballet has always been a very daunting thing for me. True-- I've always been fascinated by theatre but that was the length of my 'cultural' immersion, sort of. Being here and meeting all kinds of people taught me so much, simply opening my eyes to the experience of nationalities that thrive differently. I am fairly open and easy to please...I appreciate different things... and although I've never been to the ballet before and viewed it all with a novice's eye, I am actually happy I went. It was very weird to watch something that was all orchestra and classical dance. I did appreciate it and was thinking that if it had been The Phantom of the Opera, I would definitely be blown away. The actors were very expressive. I can imagine how hard it must be being on the tips of your toes with your facial expressions all aglow. It was certainly an experience and I'm still amazed at the thought that I survived three acts without any talking. I loved the second act. It was very playful and the rapport that the corps de ballet had with the audience was just amazing. The talent was just mind-blowing. I told Nicole to start dancing already so I can watch her and cheer her on. I've gotten very close to her and I am very thankful for the friends who I've met here. I've been lucky. Really lucky.

I laughed a lot in the second act and fell in love with the adorable corps de ballet and cried a bit as well... Romeo and Juliet is one flippin' sad love story. And I hate sad endings which is virtually why French films don't appeal to my do-gooder persona!


x



S

Field of Dreams。

25.03.2008 i feel a sense of impending doom loom over me this morning 。。。the onslaught of my 大姨妈, i suspect. Train to Radlett is delayed。 Even the flippin' train schedules are being mooned by my symptoms?

Know how there are dreams when you know all along you're a spectator in the whole shebang? How about the ones which feel like ''choose your own adventure" types that leave you facing a make-or-break choice and you're simply left。。。 too stunned to make any move? Well last night, the one I had felt R-E-A-L. I dreamed a dream last night of a man。 it felt so real。。。so much so that I couldn't budge thinking I would wake him。 I didn't move at first, scared he might have come in through my window。 （Told you he felt real.） And when i did finally realize that moving wouldn't cause him to strike, I stirred, yet he didn't move-- not one bit。。。it almost felt as if he was expecting me to be there. By his side。 It was an eerie realization on my part (worrywart the I am), til i realized that every thing about him was so familiar 。。。 somehow。 He was snoring softly by my side betwixt pillows。 。 。 now, the question-- who is he ???


26.03.2008
District line sucked big time today。 i took a bus to South Ken and from the tube did Piccadilly and changed to Jubilee。 I can't survive more of these train delays。 I'll be outta my mind if there are delays AGAIN tomorrow! So help me God!

i dreamt of 。。。 last night- I haven't in a long time。 it makes me think that LOVE'S MERITS far outweighs its shortcomings。 I did love once (yes, I am capable of the emotion.), yes once upon a time, i did give my heart fully and without reservation。 We‘ve all been there-- the overwhelming feeling called love and with it, a hope for this love to thrive forever in our security blanket。 We all wish to hold on to it forever-- although oftentimes like any other thing in this world, love loses its flavour。。。and we, the lovers who are ill-prepared, are left to wall ow in its droppings。 in my case, four- year old droppings。 The more I see in this world, the more it becomes painstakingly clear to me that as i come full circle, it is the basics that i go back to。。。the memory of a first kiss, first love。。。but unlike that young cazo, I've all but moved out such moronic illusions, the hapless naivete of finding novelty in all those sweet firsts and realize that as life happens to hop along and take us for another love-ride, we are more mature and better equipped to find those feelings with someone better suited for us。

Now the question-- who is he that is set to replace and restore this passion?

Back to Boundaries。

T, my landlord came trouncing into the flat late last night。。。more than a little tipsy and a lot chatty。 I was in the sitting room watching a sappy Korean soap （which I admit has fast become an addictive pastime) whilst having a glass of vino rosso having just sent my tired ciccia home with the doggie bag fare of Gladiatore per favore. T walked in roundabout 12ish and started talking to me about courses he sometimes leads during weekends on commitment, intimacy & sexuality。 On the onslaught twas my politeness that was humoring him as we jumped from topics of the ongoing Korean war to Geisha books and the life of service they live out and the what-nots。。。till the topic of commitment just landed on my caca-faccia (poo-poo face。。。Let's thank the four-year old 'man' Nico for the term of endearment。) As T elaborated on the topic I usually shun talking about in the first person (namely Moi), he asked me what D (大老板) casually asked me over lunch today。 What was is about payday Friday that made people ask Moi these things?

” Why are you single? Don’t you miss being in a relationship? What keeps you occupied in Londra during weekends if you’re not in a proper relationship with someone? ” I don't know why but NOT is really the only answer to the question however which way you attack it。

I’ve always liked talking to Tony because he‘s a very reasonable and knowledgeable guy。 He had been a radical hippie in the 60s, traveling around the world by bus and cycle。。。 between him and his memories are what a life lived in full is all ‘bout。 He was very introverted but he picks up on the convo very very quickly and is very eager to share his honesty and thoughts. What more can I ask for??


I told him I wasn’t used to the casualness of relationships that's so blatantly rampant。 And he told me that I had nothing to fear as long as I had my boundaries in check。 I asked him what he meant。 And he said that the problem with the world today was that there were no rules—not like when he had been young。 Those days he said that you grew up knowing right and wrong and boundaries were set for you (by your parents primarily) until you figure it out for yourself in your eventual maturity。 Way back then- you grew up knowing what you wanted。 It starts with simple rules at home, he says。 You came home and washed the dishes after dinner every night。 You did something wrong, you got punished。 You did your fair share of the house chores because those were the rules。 It taught you discipline and responsibility and enforced a stability into your mindset。 Nowadays, people had a lackadaisical attitude about everything and have the anything goes mindset in whatever they did。 And this was what screwed up an individual, taking with it misplaced belief systems as well。 He says that in the first place, whoever grows up thinking s/he is owed something is just a git who will find trouble in his/her dealings。 It is because people have an idea of what they wanted that they put their beliefs into practice。 if you grow up not knowing about rules/responsibility & boundaries, you consequently will not know what you to expect from someone else －－this is but a simple fact of life。How would you know what you wanted from another person if you are unclear about what you specifically want out of life? Very salient point he makes。He says that LOVE is always on the top of everyone's WANTS list but often a great majority lack the skill in establishing boundaries that we unintentionally screw up relationships and lose LOVE in the process。

I think listening to him tonight gave me a lot to ponder on-- a broader view of life, living and the lot。 It makes sense to look for someone who not necessarily sees the world in the exact way that you do yet definitely someone who will walk and take that same direction is someone worth spending some time with。Two people may not sync perfectly (the concept of Mr。 Perfect is lost to me and a 100% match is another myth), but whoever takes the time to know where you go in life is definitely someone worth having and keeping by your side。 Sometimes, although less & less now, I still feel lost here-- alone & uncertain of people and a bit wary of myself and their general expectations。 But talking to T has made me realise that it is okay to NOT know everything, because somewhere in the middle of it all, you do learn. Suffice it to say, I have surpassed the grieving process of my past an am now in the mode of forgiving, letting go and loving myself。

OF COURSE one misses being in a relationship and singlehoold may be EXTRAhard here, but I'm not gonna just jump into the couplehood bandwagon when I'm finally liking solitude and realizing my worth。 That's an oversimplification but it is a truth I have accepted。For some reason, I’ve somehow magically left people with the general belief that my life is more exciting than it really is。Well past the age of impressions and misinterpretations, I really couldn't care less what people thought, because now I can say with utmost certainty that I am at home with myself。

It must be the leo in me, the romantic wide-eyed dreamer with the life of a party musings that gives that hard-hitting impression that i'm fun all the way? Because I am far from what people initially think- I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT。 I used to be dumbfounded by this。 Now I've realized- to people who make deductions and assumptions? Leave them be! And to the rare friends who have gone the extra mile to get to know me? You have a slot in my heart (and I have a big heart so don't worry about it not having space for the deserving individuals。)

I don't wake up with anyone, yet I've lost the un-loving feeling of waking up next to someone who was wrong for me。 I can vouchsafe that I am not safe in someone's arms for I am safe in my own shell。I am not in a so-so relationship with someone。。。 I am aglow from a relationship with myself。 Self-love at its finest (So slap me)。 I am passionate about myself and see myself braving greater heights-- to my infinity and beyond!!!


x


S