The weekend that was found me texting an old friend (Let's call him N!!!). I found out from a good friend that N was touring Europe with a group of colleagues. I wanted to know if he would find his way to London at some point- would be nice to meet up for dinner and a night-out to catch up. Being away from home makes me yearn for good old-fashioned Noypi company. That said, I got more than I bargained for when a callback 30 minutes later left me speechless. Poor guy was in Greece and suffering from an ear infection that prevented him from travelling via plane, thereby segregating him from his mates & isolating him in the middle of nowhere. I was at work & in the middle of a meeting & said I'd be in touch to check on him.
When I got back in the evening- I texted N wondering how he was coping with his travel plans. Apparently, he was shuffling in and out of Europe via train (make that trainS!!!). He was en route to Ancona via ferry by the time I caught up with him. (There was also obvious dismay in his scaredy cat voice.) He called because he needed help with his schedules and Italian trainlines. No clue as to which Milan-based train to take and when. Neither did I but I didn't think my uncertainty would help so I took on the persona of a know-it-all colleague and gave it a go. Without batting an eyelash (not that he could see!!) I told him train travelling was the craze in Europe & if I could do it easily, then he would do without a hitch. Plus of course he had me to help him out, so what else did he need? I tried calling my Italian ciccia Nicole to ask about the trains in Italy but didn't get through. In the end, it was ol’ reliable Mr Google that saved the day! A big shoutout to translation websites because I don't read a sh** of Italian and still managed to check out more than half a dozen travel schemes. I decided on a couple of options and sent through a ton of SMS.
From Ancona he had to book a train to Milan, then catch the Eurostar that would then allow him to rejoin his group in Paris. Fighting an ear infection could not have helped + being in unfamiliar terrain that was short of English speakers must have been more than a slight annoyance. But N is one of 'em likeable guys with ‘em untarnished auras (which I’m a suck-up for as they are few & far between) and my altruistic self wouldn’t allow for 'the hearing wounded' to be defeated quite so easily. I once witnessed him show a random act of kindness, so I had to PAY IT FORWARD!
On a sunny Saturday , much to the chagrin of my date Rob, N called while we were making our way to Greenwich via Jubilee. Rob remarked more than once that it was sooh sweet (the famous English sarcasm was very thick in his voice!!!) that I was so concerned. Hahaha, I had to laugh when he said that. I can't (and don’t) expect someone local to understand the frightening prospects of travelling alone so far from home. I had been in those shoes once upon a time, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so I certainly can't just be noncommittal. Being away from home was tough enough. I tried to explain it to Rob as we made our way to Canary Wharf. He said that I spoiled my friends, how about spoiling the date who waited for over two months for a change? But I paid him no heed and called N. Phone was OFF. Got to Greenwich- still off. We went around Camden Lock and he was still unreachable. Finally, I got home at 8pm and called to find it was still off. I did my laundry and when I finished at half 9, I got through. Worried sick about the sick little puppy who was finally in Milan but weary and unsure of his next train. He sounded so defeated that I just made it sound like an adventure ala Fear Factor to encourage him. I LIKE THE FEAR...ala NBA!) I even told him I got car-chased by a friggin' Pana less than a month after arriving into the country. I told him it was okey to ask if he didn't know and reminded him to eat his meals and take his medication regularly and of course, to be mindful of his surroundings. I reminded him to check the travel options I messaged to him the night before. He sounded exhausted, and with good reason!
More than once when I couldn’t get through, the eternal optimist innate in me would assume that he was in transit. I was more than a tad worried as I am simply put a worrier beyond compare!!! But rationale prevailed as I told myself he was the shuffling in and out of trains whilst I was simply in and out of Italian train company websites to check train schedules and prices for him. By comparison, helping him find his train connections was the easy part.
Last night shortly before midnight I called him again. He was waiting in Milan for the Eurostar that would set him off to Paris. Finally! He didn't get to purchase a ticket as ticketing office was closed. I got in touch with my French friends, making train inquiry upon train inquiry to ascertain that I was giving him proper instructions. (I confirm that both friends gave me correct instructions which I forwarded readily to him!!!)
I finally got a text that he had arrived in Paris!! FINALLY!!!!! After, he texted and called to tell me I had won an all expenses paid trip to Paris. How generous was he?!?!?!?! He sounded like his jovial self that I couldn't help but laugh. There was the N that I was familiar with.
As of this writing, I am still more than a little overwhelmed by the obvious show of generosity. Kindness always warms me especially since I see so little of it where I am. Did I really do that much to warrant me a freebie to Paris? It didn't feel like that when I sent a casual greeting to an old friend, but the overwhelming generosity...simply put, leaves me speechless.
All's well that ends well.
N & I talked over and over. And it was so fun to talk in Filipino- I hadn't in so long. I am happy that he is finally with his party and sounds like his old self. What a stranger-than-strange circumstance it was- A FRIEND IN NEED HAS BECOME A FRIEND INDEED! I am sure that this weekend made him realise a lot about his strength and quite simply, I am very thrilled that he is finally getting the break he deserves and enjoying the City of Romance!!!
All the best N!!! This ends my weekend and makes me smile.
Remember- You must pay it F-O-R-W-A-R-D!!!
31.8.08
Blatant Do-Gooder
Sunday morning--
This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.
He came back with a weekend shocker.
At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.
Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.
Surely you jest Wes.
He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.
Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)
Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.
I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.
I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.
Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.
So yes.
Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.
This is kindness. Is it not?
I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.
If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)
Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!
I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!
My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'
I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.
Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?
Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.
On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!
"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)
Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.
My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.
And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.
(Schwing!)
This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.
He came back with a weekend shocker.
At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.
Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.
Surely you jest Wes.
He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.
Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)
Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.
I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.
I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.
Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.
So yes.
Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.
This is kindness. Is it not?
I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.
If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)
Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!
I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!
My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'
I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.
Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?
Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.
On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!
"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)
Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.
My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.
And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.
(Schwing!)
30.8.08
Greenwich
Went out with a new found friend (NFF) yesterday. We met at noontime and sauntered off to East London and took advantage of the amazing sun. It was just too gorgeous for words. We took the DLR tube with the steady flow of weekend commuters. Thank heavens. I find that am always a bit excited to go to the banking district on weekends. Maybe because I've lived in the Southwest and Northern part that I always truly look forward to sights not oft seen. The wharfy side (minus all the suits hustling and bustling about!) on a weekend was truly a sight to behold. It had been the docks in the olden days and has become the new financial district. Funnily enough NFF didn't like bankers because initial exposure to the lot had been in a wedding, playing plus1 in the midst of HK-based bankers. I don't know what put him off, as he said they were very standoffish. I think the groom had been Cantonese as well so I reckon the language barrier didn't help one bit. On my end, I have met a couple of people who worked in finance and I would have to say that the ones I've met have been pretty cool and down-to-earth.
NFF & I got off our stop and walked into the very quaint town of Greenwich.
Home to the GMT, zero degrees latitude.
Walked to the sight of the Cutty Sark which is still undergoing renovation because of a fire that destroyed it early this year. We walked around and settled into the Coach and Horses for late lunch. I had baked cod and lentils with a side of spinach washed down with free-flowing Pimm's.
Lunch was great. We did more walking and settled onto the lawn for some ice cream and latte. I couldn't help but keep looking up seeing how the sun rarely makes an appearance this intently here in Europe.
Greenwich was the perfect place for a sun sighting. And a great NFF who had a fair grasp of history and geography made it all the more wonderful.
We made a move to Camden after and I imbibed in the bohemian vibe of the place. It was just too much. The artsy Camden.
28.8.08
IF
by R Kipling
--
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
--
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
24.8.08
Backward Bender- BEWARE!!!
I've never been a backward bender. It goes beyond the dictates of my idealistic and fiery Leonine psyche!!!
I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.
In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.
When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.
Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.
Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'
Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!
Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?
Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.
The quest for the ONE is ON!!!
I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.
In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.
When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.
Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.
Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'
Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!
Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?
Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.
The quest for the ONE is ON!!!
21.8.08
to you
Dear S
I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.
In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.
Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.
Yes I remember.
I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.
The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.
I'm gonna find a way to you one day.
I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.
In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.
Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.
Yes I remember.
I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.
The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.
I'm gonna find a way to you one day.
19.8.08
好事多磨 。。。
I remember reading this poem in middle school. It was given to me by Kristine. She was a batch higher than I and had been my troopmaster when I was uhmmm...a girl scout (it was a mandatory thing!!!) and we continually corresponded until she graduated valedictorian in 1993. She said she read it somewhere and wanted to encourage my growing fascination for poetry. Thinking back now, Kristine had the makings of a modern philosopher. I remember sending her Rossetti's "Remember" a few days before when I had written her a letter. She was in a (BIG) way an individual who was quite instrumental in shaping my love for reflection. (Shall we hit her on the head with a 2L Evian bottle? ha ha!) One of the things I remember about my deep friendships with people way back when was that it fueled my love for old-fashioned correspondence. Rudiments of penned romance, wouldn't you say? The limitless topics shared would freely ebb and flow leaving the receiver with a lot to think and write about, much to the other's chagrin. I have always been a bit more romantic than the normal femme and in my words I felt I was more alive with expression. My mom did say that I was a bit of a recluse when I was a child, I think I retreated into the world of books and let my imagination go wild whenever I had the chance!
Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.
''AFTER A WHILE..."
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)
A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.
I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.
We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.
Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.
''AFTER A WHILE..."
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)
A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.
I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.
We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.
17.8.08
張口結舌 。。。
(The One where the MN Cabbie gives agentS surreal love advice!!!)
CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？
SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?
CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？
SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？
CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。
SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？
CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。
SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。
CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？
SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.
CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'
SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》
CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。
《and the door opens!》
Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???
CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？
SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?
CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？
SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？
CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。
SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？
CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。
SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。
CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？
SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.
CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'
SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》
CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。
《and the door opens!》
Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???
18.7.08
A tribute to being Y-O-U
One of the nicest individuals I've ever had the pleasure of working in close proximity is our part-time deputy [A]. She was, initially, a scary 40-ish Englishwoman in mine eyes when I started working in PS but has gone on to become one of my confidantes cum chatmate in the office. We talk about everything under the sun, from my former flatemate who I miss to pieces till now (a HUGE shoutout to you Oishi-san!!!) to my hits & misses with men in jolly ol Londra. We share so much laughter and her wit is to die for! It all started when I bought her what she calls, 'the perfect banana.' (Oomph!) After that, we have had on occasion had to work together on some projects and ultimately would talk about life, love & the lot. I tell her all my mishaps with men and she tells me to 'bring it on!' She says that men in these parts never really talk to the girl and it is the girl who does the asking out. Whilst I am not anymore fresh off the boat having been in the country a little over ten months, the whole aspect of asking someone out is still not something I can easily do. I can readily tell Jules to ask out the I.T. guy she's crushing on and give her a blow-by-blow of to-dos, but ultimately, this is an ardous task that I feel isn't me. [A] would always tell me that if I wanted to get anywhere with these boys, I simply had to do one thing- ASK.
Last Friday, as we took turns drowning in hordes of paperwork, we decided to up the ante by chatting about the travails of dating. She told me that I was a very fascinating find. (Indeed?!?) The fact that my personhood came into question was unexpected, albeit appreciated. I didn't get what she was saying initially, but she took it to heart to explain very plaintively that she was an Englishwoman, purely born and raised here, with nary a doubt; whilst I was predominantly Chinese in looks and virtue (more or less). And I didn't look anything like the typical Mainland arrival (since I wasn't!), yet every nook and cranny of me was screamingly Oriental. But the insides of me was discovery du jour from the get-go and no one would be able to size me up down pat with a look. She intimated further that although I was born in Pinas, I didn't look anything like the clientele she had come across at work either; and conversations with me would obviously show that my influences were very American. She said she could imagine how endlessly fascinating all that would be to anyone from here.
Admittedly she had made quite a salient point. Although I've always been easy in my skin, undoubtedly proud and unembarrassed by my mixed heritage, it is easy to see how being esconced as one of em everday statistic here, leads one to believe I am as normal as the next person. And to a degree, I am. At the end of the day, we all go to the toilet, don't we?
I told Cindy about it as she helped me packed and I realized that my legacy was never something I fully appreciated until [A] made mention of this special quality. Cin said that it was a very positive thing to verbalize. And that I must have made an impression on my colleague.
It gets me thinking that all this is magnified because I am here. Back home, I always thought I was like the next person in my clique. All Tsinays who work by days and party on weekends. We live with our family, spend their money and never have to budge an inch where housework is concerned. (Does that make us brats, I wonder?) Or does it make us blinder than most? I honestly have no answer. But looking at me know, in all humility, I think I've managed to claw myself away from the rudiments of parent-dependence and ironically, this has brought me closer to my mommy and daddy. I still can't cook to save my life, although I do cook to save myself from hunger. I don't drive a car anymore, but I get to my destination nonetheless. I worry about budgeting and scrimping, and shopping weekly has become an absentee habit which I don't think about anymore. When my mommy calls to ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm well, despite the fact that I'm really wishing she'd hand over some, the way she used to do back when I lived with them. All these changes have brought me to where I am, closer to independence and inches away from all the easy fun I used to be so accustomed to.
I am where God wants me to be, being the individual He wishes me to be. That much I know because that is basically all that matters.
Last Friday, as we took turns drowning in hordes of paperwork, we decided to up the ante by chatting about the travails of dating. She told me that I was a very fascinating find. (Indeed?!?) The fact that my personhood came into question was unexpected, albeit appreciated. I didn't get what she was saying initially, but she took it to heart to explain very plaintively that she was an Englishwoman, purely born and raised here, with nary a doubt; whilst I was predominantly Chinese in looks and virtue (more or less). And I didn't look anything like the typical Mainland arrival (since I wasn't!), yet every nook and cranny of me was screamingly Oriental. But the insides of me was discovery du jour from the get-go and no one would be able to size me up down pat with a look. She intimated further that although I was born in Pinas, I didn't look anything like the clientele she had come across at work either; and conversations with me would obviously show that my influences were very American. She said she could imagine how endlessly fascinating all that would be to anyone from here.
Admittedly she had made quite a salient point. Although I've always been easy in my skin, undoubtedly proud and unembarrassed by my mixed heritage, it is easy to see how being esconced as one of em everday statistic here, leads one to believe I am as normal as the next person. And to a degree, I am. At the end of the day, we all go to the toilet, don't we?
I told Cindy about it as she helped me packed and I realized that my legacy was never something I fully appreciated until [A] made mention of this special quality. Cin said that it was a very positive thing to verbalize. And that I must have made an impression on my colleague.
It gets me thinking that all this is magnified because I am here. Back home, I always thought I was like the next person in my clique. All Tsinays who work by days and party on weekends. We live with our family, spend their money and never have to budge an inch where housework is concerned. (Does that make us brats, I wonder?) Or does it make us blinder than most? I honestly have no answer. But looking at me know, in all humility, I think I've managed to claw myself away from the rudiments of parent-dependence and ironically, this has brought me closer to my mommy and daddy. I still can't cook to save my life, although I do cook to save myself from hunger. I don't drive a car anymore, but I get to my destination nonetheless. I worry about budgeting and scrimping, and shopping weekly has become an absentee habit which I don't think about anymore. When my mommy calls to ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm well, despite the fact that I'm really wishing she'd hand over some, the way she used to do back when I lived with them. All these changes have brought me to where I am, closer to independence and inches away from all the easy fun I used to be so accustomed to.
I am where God wants me to be, being the individual He wishes me to be. That much I know because that is basically all that matters.
17.7.08
Random thoughts of Superstardom (AKA a tribute to Melissa)
Ｕn。
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-
Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.
When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)
My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.
In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.
Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-
Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.
When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)
My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.
In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.
Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)
12.7.08
Slow and Steady.
WELCOME TO HANGOVER ZONE!!! was the signage on my thought bubble when I roused this morning. Much to my misbegotten chagrin, at approximately ten to 8, I told myself I will never walk the drunken path again! (Right.) Once again, who was I kidding? I loved the cider and all that down & dirtydancing. (So it was a gay-friendly pub & I was acting so gay that people might have thought I was a transvestite...my gay friends rock...) But all that gay-talk aside, i had a B-L-A-S-T!!! Who cares, Rodney my personal gay-dar extraordinaire loved my dancing. (Just to say it's Saturday morning as I write this, so I'm not drunk anymore, but I haven't answered any call of nature so technically the alcohol is IN!!!)
I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."
Uhm.
What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?
Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?
Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.
Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.
Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)
When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.
Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?
My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*
I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."
Uhm.
What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?
Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?
Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.
Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.
Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)
When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.
Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?
My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*
11.7.08
Happy Birthday to my wonderboy Alex.
Ahhhh...Alex.
When I'm with Alex, I'm sure to be at the George & Dragon. While I am far from my ultra outgoing self here in Londra (my disclaimer is that I am not in Pinas anymore!), I must say that the gay-friendly vibe gets me going. The rain was very daunting but I found myself in Old Street, happily to celebrate a rainy day birthday for someone who's provided me with his ray of sunshine this side of the planet.
I will always remember Alex because he encouraged me to find my writer persona. Even helped me get printed on the broadsheet. Not once. Not twice. Thrice!! (Count 'em!!!)
I love ya Alex. Many happy returns today and bon viaje as you find the next chapter of your life in the Far East.
Walk on my good man.
3.7.08
Things that Make Me Go Mmmmm 。。。
(Or to be more spot-on: He kissed me!!!)
I was kissed.
(Now say this in ClueDo fashion and it will sound like the way it is going in my head)
By a stranger. Out of the blue. In the Victoria station. With his lips.
I was stunned!!!
A complete stranger?
Yes.
A bloody good-looking bloke. (But still...)
I stood there stunned.
He came to me and gave me a huge smile. Kissed both my cheeks. Took my left hand in both of his, kissed it too.
Then smiled again. Then walked away.
I was still standing in the same spot 20 seconds later.
The attendant (who looked like a Jamaican) saw the whole thing, looked at me and said, "I'm guessing you don't know him?"
I shook my head vehemently. "Never seen him before in my life."
And she said, ''He was cute. And it's ok. Your boyfriend don't see...if he did, it's trouble..."
Say what?!?
Sing it with me now... You must remember this... A kiss is just a kiss.... (despite being stolen?)
Apparently for the attendant lady, that is a Y-E-S!!!
19.6.08
Chasing the Sun (Part Deux)
Nothing about life overwhelms me. Everything about life overwhelms me.
The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.
When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.
I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.
My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!
All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！
The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.
When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.
I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.
My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!
All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！
16.6.08
life's lesson # 1
At the risk of sounding like a Coelho-wannabe, I went to take a walk down the River Thames today, and wept. Not tears of discontent, far from it. Because truly, I feel blessed to be where I am. I feel God could not have chosen a more beautiful canvass to teach me the many things I never would have known had I chosen to stay in my comfort zone.
My tears were that of loneliness. I miss my family so much that I yearn for them, but I don't feel ready to go back. Although I understand that all this time away from them is teaching me so many valuable lessons. It is not time to be with my family but being away from them has taught me about embracing solitude and seeing the bigger picture. Solitude has become something of a reality for me, and although it does hit its lows, I don't run from it anymore. I used to be deathly afraid of loneliness and I ran away from it, foolishly... into the arms of repression and denial. Now I sort of just sit down and deal with it. It comes and it goes and more and more I am adapting to it.
Nothing is easy here but life is teaching me a lot more than loneliness. I'm learning a tough lesson on survival, resilience and humility...but i'm doing well and will keep at it.
a big shout out to the great unknown
Julia and I went to a fundraiser a fortnight ago at the Grosvenor Hotel for the Sichuan Earthquake victims. I found myself seated beside a hottie who was admittedly not very tall, but certainly very distracting. I've always been a sucker for a man with kind eyes and he clearly upped the ante because his kind eyes met mine in a fundraiser. Kind eyes and a beautiful heart. Nobody but nobody gets away with that combination!!!
Oh pray tell what's a girl to do? Being the individual who hates being lodged into her dang seat for more than 20 minutes, I was moving about and invading his personal space. He smiled and would talk to me and I was wondering about him.
I had all but let go of him...but I dreamt of him last night.
To Mr Fundraiser with the kind eyes. I just really need to get those kind eyes out of my system which is why I'm sending it out into the big unknown knowing that most probably, nothing will come of it but the catharsis will do me good.
x
(what is it about men, me & amazingly beautiful hotels???)
13.6.08
The Bradshaw Case Studies
"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love"
(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)
In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.
Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan
Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.
Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.
Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.
Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.
Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.
Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.
(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)
In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.
Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan
Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.
Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.
Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.
Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.
Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.
Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.
11.6.08
haunted by a memory。。。
It is the extreme that inspires. Whether a thought, an action or a memory, it is that which is put into the extreme that defines an experience. The form is but secondary- it is what it brings on that is prime rib. It is not a simple case of happiness VS sadness. (In actual fact, it ain't simple at all.) In all honestly, why would anyone waste time writing down your feelings when youre on top of the happiness mound? Just revel in your happiness...
Though in times of sadness, it is a completely different ballgame. I feel that one writes with utmost poignancy because any intense feelings (regardless of +/-) dupes us out of normalcy and gets us thinking and feeling so much that in the end the only thing to do is (at least for this blogger) W-R-I-T-E. I don't understand the whys and wherefores of so many things, but before i lay me down to eternal quietude, I would love nothing more than to know more truths about LOVE（the kind that lasts, the kind that speaks of forever).
不论到哪里 总会看到你。。。 长得相似的人，看起来都像你。。。岁然你已经不在我身边。。。自己已经往前走我的路。 但是为甚么还不断出现在我眼前？ 我为甚么竟然等待, 不让你离开我。
我相信彼此喜欢的人， 终究还是会重逢, 不管两个人相隔再遥远，终究还是会回来。 只要能使一切当做没发生过.
疯狂爱你的记忆和往事正在寻找你。 不能再以爱情为理由束缚你。 爱情终究会回来.
I see him in everyone I encounter. Still and all, it is his face that lights up the crowd. Every day I see him, and every person I see resembles him. And although I've moved on and he is no longer beside me, I walk my walk and his memory never leaves me. I wonder- why does he never disappear? I know not why I keep his memory close by me.
(Maybe I believe too much in romance that it works against my psyche.)
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
