There are days when no one but He can offer me solace. It has been a trying week, and with all the people I've seen in the last couple of days, no one noticed the cracks. It is an imperfect mask I wear perfectly. Friends are always quick to love the fun-loving Leonine that often the less outlandish (albeit most substantial) traits I possess are dismissed with a bat of an eyelash. No worries. I answer only to Him. And as long as He sees, I know I'm all good.
Everyone sees my obvious strength (in stature, in speech and in deed) yet they fail to see how I became this infallible force of femme intimidation. It all comes from one thing I value above all- my faith. It wasn't something I was born with and certainly isn't genetic. In all honesty, it took awhile for me to get here- but I am where I am because He came through for me despite everything. The unconditionality of His love reminds me that humility, above all things, should take precedent in TW&D.
A couple of days ago, I found myself lost in Greenbelt with an hour of leisure to twiddle with. I walked to Starbucks and had a cup of coffee and made my way to the new GB5, when I heard singing. Not a lot of people know that I am a sucker for mass songs. (I am!!!) And nothing brings me more peace than being inside a place of worship. This is my me-time with the Father. Hearing a Filipino mass song brought back a memory and I immediately turned...and remembered.
This same chapel that I went to almost 2 years ago. I wasn't a prayerful person then, and I went in because I didn't know where else to go. I was just so tired of my life.
I went in...and prayed. And asked. I was surprised that I didn't even have a prayer as I entered His home. I wasn't a bad person to start with, but my spirituality was crying to be found. It was a desperation that I had no clue if I was coming or going. I was stuck. Latent. In limbo. And I went in sans the trimmings of a well-presented Catholic with a prayer already in mind. Was it blind faith? Maybe.
But that was the singular thing that brought me where I am now. I am not fumbling anymore and I am humbled by how I got to where I am. Almost 2 years ago, a completely different person walked out of this beautiful chapel.
And since then, I've tried consistently to do good. Good people will always do good things. And despite the fact that good people get stuck in bad scenarios, they will always get the chance to make it right again. Believe you me, I am far from perfect, but in my way, I try to live each day with a sense of fun, humility and good sense (you just have to tweak and vary them depending on the situation!) I always try to steer clear of the "if everyone's doing it, then why can't I?" mindset. I don't think that would bring me even an ounce of happiness. Yet I try to do so with the fervent hope that my good intentions will shine through each random act. Admittedly, with the 'what you see is what you get' vibe I give off, there are a few things that I don't disclose at face value. More than a trust issue, I would say it is unresolved as of the present time and will need more time to unfold. There are some storylines that need happy endings to come full circle-- this is what makes the whole disclosure of a not-so beautiful experience beautiful. I don't set out to hide things as it isn't in my nature, but I don't reveal them until I feel comfortable enough to share a very private part of my life as I've come to know it.
I always tell people that I'm a good girl with bad habits, but it isn't entirely true (nor entirely false, come to that...). I am eternally quixotic and an ardent believer in happy endings. There is goodness in everyone. And now, more than ever, I believe that when something is lost, an infinitely better gift will find its way to you. God is always willing to give. You just have to be willing to receive. This is His grace. Forever living. Forever shining.
Yes, when there are days that no one but He can calm my inner demons, I do the innately simple act: I surrender.
