The weekend that was found me texting an old friend (Let's call him N!!!). I found out from a good friend that N was touring Europe with a group of colleagues. I wanted to know if he would find his way to London at some point- would be nice to meet up for dinner and a night-out to catch up. Being away from home makes me yearn for good old-fashioned Noypi company. That said, I got more than I bargained for when a callback 30 minutes later left me speechless. Poor guy was in Greece and suffering from an ear infection that prevented him from travelling via plane, thereby segregating him from his mates & isolating him in the middle of nowhere. I was at work & in the middle of a meeting & said I'd be in touch to check on him.
When I got back in the evening- I texted N wondering how he was coping with his travel plans. Apparently, he was shuffling in and out of Europe via train (make that trainS!!!). He was en route to Ancona via ferry by the time I caught up with him. (There was also obvious dismay in his scaredy cat voice.) He called because he needed help with his schedules and Italian trainlines. No clue as to which Milan-based train to take and when. Neither did I but I didn't think my uncertainty would help so I took on the persona of a know-it-all colleague and gave it a go. Without batting an eyelash (not that he could see!!) I told him train travelling was the craze in Europe & if I could do it easily, then he would do without a hitch. Plus of course he had me to help him out, so what else did he need? I tried calling my Italian ciccia Nicole to ask about the trains in Italy but didn't get through. In the end, it was ol’ reliable Mr Google that saved the day! A big shoutout to translation websites because I don't read a sh** of Italian and still managed to check out more than half a dozen travel schemes. I decided on a couple of options and sent through a ton of SMS.
From Ancona he had to book a train to Milan, then catch the Eurostar that would then allow him to rejoin his group in Paris. Fighting an ear infection could not have helped + being in unfamiliar terrain that was short of English speakers must have been more than a slight annoyance. But N is one of 'em likeable guys with ‘em untarnished auras (which I’m a suck-up for as they are few & far between) and my altruistic self wouldn’t allow for 'the hearing wounded' to be defeated quite so easily. I once witnessed him show a random act of kindness, so I had to PAY IT FORWARD!
On a sunny Saturday , much to the chagrin of my date Rob, N called while we were making our way to Greenwich via Jubilee. Rob remarked more than once that it was sooh sweet (the famous English sarcasm was very thick in his voice!!!) that I was so concerned. Hahaha, I had to laugh when he said that. I can't (and don’t) expect someone local to understand the frightening prospects of travelling alone so far from home. I had been in those shoes once upon a time, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so I certainly can't just be noncommittal. Being away from home was tough enough. I tried to explain it to Rob as we made our way to Canary Wharf. He said that I spoiled my friends, how about spoiling the date who waited for over two months for a change? But I paid him no heed and called N. Phone was OFF. Got to Greenwich- still off. We went around Camden Lock and he was still unreachable. Finally, I got home at 8pm and called to find it was still off. I did my laundry and when I finished at half 9, I got through. Worried sick about the sick little puppy who was finally in Milan but weary and unsure of his next train. He sounded so defeated that I just made it sound like an adventure ala Fear Factor to encourage him. I LIKE THE FEAR...ala NBA!) I even told him I got car-chased by a friggin' Pana less than a month after arriving into the country. I told him it was okey to ask if he didn't know and reminded him to eat his meals and take his medication regularly and of course, to be mindful of his surroundings. I reminded him to check the travel options I messaged to him the night before. He sounded exhausted, and with good reason!
More than once when I couldn’t get through, the eternal optimist innate in me would assume that he was in transit. I was more than a tad worried as I am simply put a worrier beyond compare!!! But rationale prevailed as I told myself he was the shuffling in and out of trains whilst I was simply in and out of Italian train company websites to check train schedules and prices for him. By comparison, helping him find his train connections was the easy part.
Last night shortly before midnight I called him again. He was waiting in Milan for the Eurostar that would set him off to Paris. Finally! He didn't get to purchase a ticket as ticketing office was closed. I got in touch with my French friends, making train inquiry upon train inquiry to ascertain that I was giving him proper instructions. (I confirm that both friends gave me correct instructions which I forwarded readily to him!!!)
I finally got a text that he had arrived in Paris!! FINALLY!!!!! After, he texted and called to tell me I had won an all expenses paid trip to Paris. How generous was he?!?!?!?! He sounded like his jovial self that I couldn't help but laugh. There was the N that I was familiar with.
As of this writing, I am still more than a little overwhelmed by the obvious show of generosity. Kindness always warms me especially since I see so little of it where I am. Did I really do that much to warrant me a freebie to Paris? It didn't feel like that when I sent a casual greeting to an old friend, but the overwhelming generosity...simply put, leaves me speechless.
All's well that ends well.
N & I talked over and over. And it was so fun to talk in Filipino- I hadn't in so long. I am happy that he is finally with his party and sounds like his old self. What a stranger-than-strange circumstance it was- A FRIEND IN NEED HAS BECOME A FRIEND INDEED! I am sure that this weekend made him realise a lot about his strength and quite simply, I am very thrilled that he is finally getting the break he deserves and enjoying the City of Romance!!!
All the best N!!! This ends my weekend and makes me smile.
Remember- You must pay it F-O-R-W-A-R-D!!!
31.8.08
Blatant Do-Gooder
Sunday morning--
This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.
He came back with a weekend shocker.
At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.
Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.
Surely you jest Wes.
He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.
Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)
Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.
I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.
I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.
Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.
So yes.
Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.
This is kindness. Is it not?
I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.
If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)
Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!
I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!
My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'
I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.
Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?
Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.
On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!
"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)
Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.
My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.
And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.
(Schwing!)
This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.
He came back with a weekend shocker.
At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.
Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.
Surely you jest Wes.
He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.
Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)
Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.
I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.
I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.
Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.
So yes.
Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.
This is kindness. Is it not?
I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.
If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)
Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!
I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!
My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'
I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.
Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?
Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.
On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!
"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)
Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.
My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.
And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.
(Schwing!)
30.8.08
Greenwich
Went out with a new found friend (NFF) yesterday. We met at noontime and sauntered off to East London and took advantage of the amazing sun. It was just too gorgeous for words. We took the DLR tube with the steady flow of weekend commuters. Thank heavens. I find that am always a bit excited to go to the banking district on weekends. Maybe because I've lived in the Southwest and Northern part that I always truly look forward to sights not oft seen. The wharfy side (minus all the suits hustling and bustling about!) on a weekend was truly a sight to behold. It had been the docks in the olden days and has become the new financial district. Funnily enough NFF didn't like bankers because initial exposure to the lot had been in a wedding, playing plus1 in the midst of HK-based bankers. I don't know what put him off, as he said they were very standoffish. I think the groom had been Cantonese as well so I reckon the language barrier didn't help one bit. On my end, I have met a couple of people who worked in finance and I would have to say that the ones I've met have been pretty cool and down-to-earth.
NFF & I got off our stop and walked into the very quaint town of Greenwich.
Home to the GMT, zero degrees latitude.
Walked to the sight of the Cutty Sark which is still undergoing renovation because of a fire that destroyed it early this year. We walked around and settled into the Coach and Horses for late lunch. I had baked cod and lentils with a side of spinach washed down with free-flowing Pimm's.
Lunch was great. We did more walking and settled onto the lawn for some ice cream and latte. I couldn't help but keep looking up seeing how the sun rarely makes an appearance this intently here in Europe.
Greenwich was the perfect place for a sun sighting. And a great NFF who had a fair grasp of history and geography made it all the more wonderful.
We made a move to Camden after and I imbibed in the bohemian vibe of the place. It was just too much. The artsy Camden.
28.8.08
IF
by R Kipling
--
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
--
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
24.8.08
Backward Bender- BEWARE!!!
I've never been a backward bender. It goes beyond the dictates of my idealistic and fiery Leonine psyche!!!
I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.
In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.
When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.
Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.
Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'
Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!
Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?
Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.
The quest for the ONE is ON!!!
I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.
In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.
When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.
Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.
Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'
Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!
Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?
Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.
The quest for the ONE is ON!!!
21.8.08
to you
Dear S
I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.
In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.
Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.
Yes I remember.
I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.
The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.
I'm gonna find a way to you one day.
I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.
In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.
Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.
Yes I remember.
I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.
The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.
I'm gonna find a way to you one day.
19.8.08
好事多磨 。。。
I remember reading this poem in middle school. It was given to me by Kristine. She was a batch higher than I and had been my troopmaster when I was uhmmm...a girl scout (it was a mandatory thing!!!) and we continually corresponded until she graduated valedictorian in 1993. She said she read it somewhere and wanted to encourage my growing fascination for poetry. Thinking back now, Kristine had the makings of a modern philosopher. I remember sending her Rossetti's "Remember" a few days before when I had written her a letter. She was in a (BIG) way an individual who was quite instrumental in shaping my love for reflection. (Shall we hit her on the head with a 2L Evian bottle? ha ha!) One of the things I remember about my deep friendships with people way back when was that it fueled my love for old-fashioned correspondence. Rudiments of penned romance, wouldn't you say? The limitless topics shared would freely ebb and flow leaving the receiver with a lot to think and write about, much to the other's chagrin. I have always been a bit more romantic than the normal femme and in my words I felt I was more alive with expression. My mom did say that I was a bit of a recluse when I was a child, I think I retreated into the world of books and let my imagination go wild whenever I had the chance!
Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.
''AFTER A WHILE..."
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)
A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.
I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.
We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.
Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.
''AFTER A WHILE..."
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)
A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.
I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.
We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.
17.8.08
張口結舌 。。。
(The One where the MN Cabbie gives agentS surreal love advice!!!)
CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？
SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?
CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？
SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？
CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。
SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？
CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。
SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。
CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？
SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.
CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'
SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》
CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。
《and the door opens!》
Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???
CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？
SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?
CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？
SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？
CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。
SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？
CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。
SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。
CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？
SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.
CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'
SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》
CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。
《and the door opens!》
Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???
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