Chasing the Sun (Part Deux)

Nothing about life overwhelms me. Everything about life overwhelms me.

The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.

When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.

I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.

My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!

All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！

life's lesson # 1

At the risk of sounding like a Coelho-wannabe, I went to take a walk down the River Thames today, and wept. Not tears of discontent, far from it. Because truly, I feel blessed to be where I am. I feel God could not have chosen a more beautiful canvass to teach me the many things I never would have known had I chosen to stay in my comfort zone.

My tears were that of loneliness. I miss my family so much that I yearn for them, but I don't feel ready to go back. Although I understand that all this time away from them is teaching me so many valuable lessons. It is not time to be with my family but being away from them has taught me about embracing solitude and seeing the bigger picture. Solitude has become something of a reality for me, and although it does hit its lows, I don't run from it anymore. I used to be deathly afraid of loneliness and I ran away from it, foolishly... into the arms of repression and denial. Now I sort of just sit down and deal with it. It comes and it goes and more and more I am adapting to it.

Nothing is easy here but life is teaching me a lot more than loneliness. I'm learning a tough lesson on survival, resilience and humility...but i'm doing well and will keep at it.

a big shout out to the great unknown

Julia and I went to a fundraiser a fortnight ago at the Grosvenor Hotel for the Sichuan Earthquake victims. I found myself seated beside a hottie who was admittedly not very tall, but certainly very distracting. I've always been a sucker for a man with kind eyes and he clearly upped the ante because his kind eyes met mine in a fundraiser. Kind eyes and a beautiful heart. Nobody but nobody gets away with that combination!!!

Oh pray tell what's a girl to do? Being the individual who hates being lodged into her dang seat for more than 20 minutes, I was moving about and invading his personal space. He smiled and would talk to me and I was wondering about him.

I had all but let go of him...but I dreamt of him last night.

To Mr Fundraiser with the kind eyes. I just really need to get those kind eyes out of my system which is why I'm sending it out into the big unknown knowing that most probably, nothing will come of it but the catharsis will do me good.



x

(what is it about men, me & amazingly beautiful hotels???)

The Bradshaw Case Studies

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love"



(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)

In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.

Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.


Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan

Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.

Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.

Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.

Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.

Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.

Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.

haunted by a memory。。。

It is the extreme that inspires. Whether a thought, an action or a memory, it is that which is put into the extreme that defines an experience. The form is but secondary- it is what it brings on that is prime rib. It is not a simple case of happiness VS sadness. (In actual fact, it ain't simple at all.) In all honestly, why would anyone waste time writing down your feelings when youre on top of the happiness mound? Just revel in your happiness...

Though in times of sadness, it is a completely different ballgame. I feel that one writes with utmost poignancy because any intense feelings (regardless of +/-) dupes us out of normalcy and gets us thinking and feeling so much that in the end the only thing to do is (at least for this blogger) W-R-I-T-E. I don't understand the whys and wherefores of so many things, but before i lay me down to eternal quietude, I would love nothing more than to know more truths about LOVE（the kind that lasts, the kind that speaks of forever).

不论到哪里 总会看到你。。。 长得相似的人，看起来都像你。。。岁然你已经不在我身边。。。自己已经往前走我的路。 但是为甚么还不断出现在我眼前？ 我为甚么竟然等待, 不让你离开我。

我相信彼此喜欢的人， 终究还是会重逢, 不管两个人相隔再遥远，终究还是会回来。 只要能使一切当做没发生过.
疯狂爱你的记忆和往事正在寻找你。 不能再以爱情为理由束缚你。 爱情终究会回来.

I see him in everyone I encounter. Still and all, it is his face that lights up the crowd. Every day I see him, and every person I see resembles him. And although I've moved on and he is no longer beside me, I walk my walk and his memory never leaves me. I wonder- why does he never disappear? I know not why I keep his memory close by me.


(Maybe I believe too much in romance that it works against my psyche.)



x

the highlights of the week that was.

To the Cuz'n who isn't really a cousin
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)

The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.

Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.

With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).

I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.

Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.

My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)

Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.

So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)

Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!



x



=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .



S