the road to Rostrevor 。。。

Ciccia J,

Guess how I started my morning? Whilst walking to the nearby tube station, I called my ex just to say hi, among other things... He was nonchalant to hear my voice. It's funny now- how one time in my life a decade ago I vowed to spend my lifetime with him. It was weird to call him and hear a stranger answer. For a nanosecond I had wanted to tease him the way I used to a million times before, but I stopped myself. He didn't belong to me anymore. Once upon a time, he was mine to tease...when we were young lovers. Yet seeing how things have evolved, I realized we clearly grew up differently. And now that we're older, we're but strangers with nothing to say to each other. I don't know if you can use the term 爱 still, sometimes I still feel it is, but denial tells me it really is concern for someone who holds a big chunk of my past. He wasn't just my plus one. He was my ONLY one. Now, when people shit-talk him (and I have heard lots- that I have grown into myself nicely compared to Peter Pan in his Xenon World), I still feel bad and hurt for him. Sometimes, I think of calling him when I am particularly distressed by news, yet I am not in any place to check on him. When I hear he is doing well, I am happy, happy that he is in the fit of things. I still wish we could remove all bitterness and be friends but it has been four years and who knows how many leap years will leap through time till we regard each other as friends again. I know I had my share of mistakes (well NOT as grave as what I was accused of) but I realise now that I could have done more. And I still wish upto now, that I tried harder to stay friends. Hmmm we were 2 kids playing grown ups and we felt that because we had love, we had it all. How foolishly wide-eyed, do you not think so? My friend G and I chatted over the weekend and she told me that I am still filled with naivete- that I trust too easily and believe too much in the goodness of people, I've thought about what she said, but I think it really is my choice, to believe that people are still good deep down. Although now, I must say, this heart is not as easily fooled as before.

Went to Cambridge today with a slew of jetlagged delegates in tow. It was such a beautiful day even the Cambridge officials couldn't help but remark as we went about the presentation for the 中国 delegates-- Thank you for coming today and brining with you the beautiful weather. The sun was out, it was cool with no wind in sight...ah yes, spring is finally here。 Although the trip was work-related I did enjoy myself immensely. I am always happy to engage in banter and learn about people from all walks of life. There were some mini-blights along the way, but all throughout, everything was magic. Not bad for a Monday.

Your electronic music delivery courtesy of Gmail was much appreciated. One of the songs is ''learn to be lonely,'' I have heard it way back when and now I must say with utmost confidence, the last test to finally going full circle with loneliness is chucking it out of your vocabulary and replacing it with SOLITUDE. Of course I'm still not practical-- I'm a LEO, passion is the ultimate satiety for my kind. I still want the kind of love that makes you ache and makes you cry and leaves you with all the tummy butterflies, until then...solitude is fine for me, baby!

Lastly, let's talk about the cat who makes my day by coming to me voluntarily as I walk past her house on my way to work on the road called Rostrevor.

x

S

ballet virgin。。。 NOT!!!

So as of tonight, this gal's a ballet virgin no more!!!

I had the pleasure of joining my ciccia Nicole to the ballet tonight at the Colisevm for Cranko's Romeo and Julet. Covent Garden was buzzling and wet...and because we were early we had semi-hot lattes and walked around. I finally saw Kay's famous Pineapple Dance Studio and we were approached by two strange men separately while we were roaming the crazy streets of the West End. Amazing how people seem to not mind the rain and the chills of 'spring'... I can just imagine how warm it must be back home and getting a call from my good friend Pong only made homesickness a notch higher! He called me about a problem he was having. It felt so weird to be talking to someone from home, lost in the West End. It almost felt like I was in one of 'em PLDT commercials.

Ballet has always been a very daunting thing for me. True-- I've always been fascinated by theatre but that was the length of my 'cultural' immersion, sort of. Being here and meeting all kinds of people taught me so much, simply opening my eyes to the experience of nationalities that thrive differently. I am fairly open and easy to please...I appreciate different things... and although I've never been to the ballet before and viewed it all with a novice's eye, I am actually happy I went. It was very weird to watch something that was all orchestra and classical dance. I did appreciate it and was thinking that if it had been The Phantom of the Opera, I would definitely be blown away. The actors were very expressive. I can imagine how hard it must be being on the tips of your toes with your facial expressions all aglow. It was certainly an experience and I'm still amazed at the thought that I survived three acts without any talking. I loved the second act. It was very playful and the rapport that the corps de ballet had with the audience was just amazing. The talent was just mind-blowing. I told Nicole to start dancing already so I can watch her and cheer her on. I've gotten very close to her and I am very thankful for the friends who I've met here. I've been lucky. Really lucky.

I laughed a lot in the second act and fell in love with the adorable corps de ballet and cried a bit as well... Romeo and Juliet is one flippin' sad love story. And I hate sad endings which is virtually why French films don't appeal to my do-gooder persona!


x



S

Field of Dreams。

25.03.2008 i feel a sense of impending doom loom over me this morning 。。。the onslaught of my 大姨妈, i suspect. Train to Radlett is delayed。 Even the flippin' train schedules are being mooned by my symptoms?

Know how there are dreams when you know all along you're a spectator in the whole shebang? How about the ones which feel like ''choose your own adventure" types that leave you facing a make-or-break choice and you're simply left。。。 too stunned to make any move? Well last night, the one I had felt R-E-A-L. I dreamed a dream last night of a man。 it felt so real。。。so much so that I couldn't budge thinking I would wake him。 I didn't move at first, scared he might have come in through my window。 （Told you he felt real.） And when i did finally realize that moving wouldn't cause him to strike, I stirred, yet he didn't move-- not one bit。。。it almost felt as if he was expecting me to be there. By his side。 It was an eerie realization on my part (worrywart the I am), til i realized that every thing about him was so familiar 。。。 somehow。 He was snoring softly by my side betwixt pillows。 。 。 now, the question-- who is he ???


26.03.2008
District line sucked big time today。 i took a bus to South Ken and from the tube did Piccadilly and changed to Jubilee。 I can't survive more of these train delays。 I'll be outta my mind if there are delays AGAIN tomorrow! So help me God!

i dreamt of 。。。 last night- I haven't in a long time。 it makes me think that LOVE'S MERITS far outweighs its shortcomings。 I did love once (yes, I am capable of the emotion.), yes once upon a time, i did give my heart fully and without reservation。 We‘ve all been there-- the overwhelming feeling called love and with it, a hope for this love to thrive forever in our security blanket。 We all wish to hold on to it forever-- although oftentimes like any other thing in this world, love loses its flavour。。。and we, the lovers who are ill-prepared, are left to wall ow in its droppings。 in my case, four- year old droppings。 The more I see in this world, the more it becomes painstakingly clear to me that as i come full circle, it is the basics that i go back to。。。the memory of a first kiss, first love。。。but unlike that young cazo, I've all but moved out such moronic illusions, the hapless naivete of finding novelty in all those sweet firsts and realize that as life happens to hop along and take us for another love-ride, we are more mature and better equipped to find those feelings with someone better suited for us。

Now the question-- who is he that is set to replace and restore this passion?

Back to Boundaries。

T, my landlord came trouncing into the flat late last night。。。more than a little tipsy and a lot chatty。 I was in the sitting room watching a sappy Korean soap （which I admit has fast become an addictive pastime) whilst having a glass of vino rosso having just sent my tired ciccia home with the doggie bag fare of Gladiatore per favore. T walked in roundabout 12ish and started talking to me about courses he sometimes leads during weekends on commitment, intimacy & sexuality。 On the onslaught twas my politeness that was humoring him as we jumped from topics of the ongoing Korean war to Geisha books and the life of service they live out and the what-nots。。。till the topic of commitment just landed on my caca-faccia (poo-poo face。。。Let's thank the four-year old 'man' Nico for the term of endearment。) As T elaborated on the topic I usually shun talking about in the first person (namely Moi), he asked me what D (大老板) casually asked me over lunch today。 What was is about payday Friday that made people ask Moi these things?

” Why are you single? Don’t you miss being in a relationship? What keeps you occupied in Londra during weekends if you’re not in a proper relationship with someone? ” I don't know why but NOT is really the only answer to the question however which way you attack it。

I’ve always liked talking to Tony because he‘s a very reasonable and knowledgeable guy。 He had been a radical hippie in the 60s, traveling around the world by bus and cycle。。。 between him and his memories are what a life lived in full is all ‘bout。 He was very introverted but he picks up on the convo very very quickly and is very eager to share his honesty and thoughts. What more can I ask for??


I told him I wasn’t used to the casualness of relationships that's so blatantly rampant。 And he told me that I had nothing to fear as long as I had my boundaries in check。 I asked him what he meant。 And he said that the problem with the world today was that there were no rules—not like when he had been young。 Those days he said that you grew up knowing right and wrong and boundaries were set for you (by your parents primarily) until you figure it out for yourself in your eventual maturity。 Way back then- you grew up knowing what you wanted。 It starts with simple rules at home, he says。 You came home and washed the dishes after dinner every night。 You did something wrong, you got punished。 You did your fair share of the house chores because those were the rules。 It taught you discipline and responsibility and enforced a stability into your mindset。 Nowadays, people had a lackadaisical attitude about everything and have the anything goes mindset in whatever they did。 And this was what screwed up an individual, taking with it misplaced belief systems as well。 He says that in the first place, whoever grows up thinking s/he is owed something is just a git who will find trouble in his/her dealings。 It is because people have an idea of what they wanted that they put their beliefs into practice。 if you grow up not knowing about rules/responsibility & boundaries, you consequently will not know what you to expect from someone else －－this is but a simple fact of life。How would you know what you wanted from another person if you are unclear about what you specifically want out of life? Very salient point he makes。He says that LOVE is always on the top of everyone's WANTS list but often a great majority lack the skill in establishing boundaries that we unintentionally screw up relationships and lose LOVE in the process。

I think listening to him tonight gave me a lot to ponder on-- a broader view of life, living and the lot。 It makes sense to look for someone who not necessarily sees the world in the exact way that you do yet definitely someone who will walk and take that same direction is someone worth spending some time with。Two people may not sync perfectly (the concept of Mr。 Perfect is lost to me and a 100% match is another myth), but whoever takes the time to know where you go in life is definitely someone worth having and keeping by your side。 Sometimes, although less & less now, I still feel lost here-- alone & uncertain of people and a bit wary of myself and their general expectations。 But talking to T has made me realise that it is okay to NOT know everything, because somewhere in the middle of it all, you do learn. Suffice it to say, I have surpassed the grieving process of my past an am now in the mode of forgiving, letting go and loving myself。

OF COURSE one misses being in a relationship and singlehoold may be EXTRAhard here, but I'm not gonna just jump into the couplehood bandwagon when I'm finally liking solitude and realizing my worth。 That's an oversimplification but it is a truth I have accepted。For some reason, I’ve somehow magically left people with the general belief that my life is more exciting than it really is。Well past the age of impressions and misinterpretations, I really couldn't care less what people thought, because now I can say with utmost certainty that I am at home with myself。

It must be the leo in me, the romantic wide-eyed dreamer with the life of a party musings that gives that hard-hitting impression that i'm fun all the way? Because I am far from what people initially think- I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT。 I used to be dumbfounded by this。 Now I've realized- to people who make deductions and assumptions? Leave them be! And to the rare friends who have gone the extra mile to get to know me? You have a slot in my heart (and I have a big heart so don't worry about it not having space for the deserving individuals。)

I don't wake up with anyone, yet I've lost the un-loving feeling of waking up next to someone who was wrong for me。 I can vouchsafe that I am not safe in someone's arms for I am safe in my own shell。I am not in a so-so relationship with someone。。。 I am aglow from a relationship with myself。 Self-love at its finest (So slap me)。 I am passionate about myself and see myself braving greater heights-- to my infinity and beyond!!!


x


S

dee dee dee spells Destiny

Was pleasantly surprised by your question about Destiny.

If I believed in it。。。

Let me talk to you about this thing called destiny. It comes in close connivance with that other thing called Fate. I have always had it in my imaginings that Destiny's the guy, and Fate- well you guessed it, she's Miss Thang. And the two of them is a rarely formed union- almost a phantasmic one。 But let me tell you how this couple shakes you up, titillates you and just saunters off。。。 leaving you wondering/wandering to fend for the banalities of (dare I say?)。。。 *love*

Ahh, yes. Fate & Destiny。 Under a tree。 Coosome twosome that they are, they don't come by every day, but I bet you when they do they definitely leave a mark。

How dare love。 How dare love, indeed。。。

But we are digressing。 I don't know about Destiny。 I believe in it, of course and I know it will happen but until it does. Let's call it my emotional Loch Ness. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it's an important part of the equation.

Let me tell you about signs. Yes, signs. Because for destiny to come through, you have to know how to spot signs. Yes, the real thing that overwhelms you in circumspect and you’re stuck for a nanosecond, lost in neither here or there。。。 That, my dear, is a bloody sign。

Like waking up at 6 in the morning because 2 liters of spring water (Evian on the dancefloor!) miraculously spilt on your bed and found its way up your thighs so you're wet。 Right there. It's the shits if you slept at 3-- having spent the early part of the night redwining and dining and then nightcapping by overloading your tipsy self with a healthy dose of self- studying 。。。 So, 6am & Evian wees into you。 Pray-tell, what's a gal to do? You resist the urge to stand but。。。two liters? Twas pneumonia or bust! So you somehow found your way up, amidst damning reluctance-- and you remove a stack of books from the bed. A hotel servette comes out of nowhere-- you grab a hold of it and start cleaning up the mess (which technically is not a mess because it's spring water。。。but the amount of spring water gushing into your bed is not something you ignore， not at 6 in the morning。 You remember thinking that it had to be good quality servette because despite the amount of water that it was absorbing, it still was intact。 Not the awful kind they had at the £1 store. The servette had Baglioni Hotels written on it. You think hard and then remember where it came from but you can't. So you google it. And you see pictures of the bar and suddenly, it hits you that some months ago, someone brought you to the best date of your life and... there inside that hotel you had cafe disaronno.

And he asked you to see him. Exclusively. You hold on to the servette and start waving the hairdryer in dire hopes of saving the token whilst remembering how you said no without thinking because you didn't want any trouble。 Because that question was a headache, and often those lead to hearthache。 And because you panicked。 All these thoughts because of a serving napkin-- you realize with regret that mayber you should have been more open to seeing him。 And now you think maybe（just maybe) you were too harsh on him and that you've lost your chance because he's gone now。

Think that's a sign? I think it's impossible to miss that as an un-sign.

Hmm lunchbreak is almost over.

Let me think about your destiny question. It's the kind of question that gets to me. Permit me to write again.

Baci

x

S

an open letter to J

Hey mars!

It felt so good to receive your handwritten letter. And the DVDs. And the dressed-to-kill outfits(hehe.). Didn't expect the Magic Sing so that made me jump up with glee. You know how happy karaoke makes me! I can't wait to karaoke! I will sing and think of everyone! I also know you're not the type of person to write letters so I really appreciate your doing so. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling after reading it. Thank you for everything. I really feel your love and support. Even Cin said as much. That I am lucky to have someone like you as my family.

I am well here, as well as can be.

Happy? Hmm...I don't know, I think I've reevaluated a lot of my beliefs since touching down last year. Being happy means having someone to share your blessings with and that is not the case now, is it? Maybe "at peace" is the appropriate term. I really miss you guys, I think I realized the value of home and family here. But in the same breath, I guess I feel that London is kind of home too- because although I've lived there my whole life, it was here that I got to know what 'grown up' feels like. Initially, the taste of it was very tempting and scary, but it made me think of the things I avoided facing back home. I gave myself some time to grieve over past regrets and failures so now I sort of handle my independence responsibly. It's not an easy thing, not in London, but it's a scary reality that I've had to face in the last couple of months. I've gotten used to cleaning the house, and enjoying loneliness. I drink very responsibly (only at home & around people I trust). I don't drink myself to deathly and dangerous degrees anymore- so relax. Most of the days, I just look at the bright side of things and survive.

When I first got here, I was always moping and Kay (my very cool, very spiritual & very Japanese flatemate) offered me so much support, friendship and kindness. Sometimes I'd come home browbeaten from work and the commute and she welcomes me with good conversation and laughter. And she cooks so damn well. Like Ueshima Coffee Company (UCC) food. I so miss a cup of joe from there. Super! She makes a mean Japanese pancake and her salads are to-die-for. One time we had Tako-yaki and sake. I wish you could have met her. She's back in Japan now. All that food talk aside, she was someone I could turn to and talk with and hang out with. We've gone around London and we even went to Greenwich together. Kay is one of the nicest people I've met here. I've been really lucky. I have a friend named Nicole too. I will tell you about her in time.

In a sense, I have forgotten what it's like to be there, doing what I normally do. Sometimes I think of life and how easy-going I was and thinking back, I don't think I can relate to that person anymore. I seem to have forgotten her already. But for the life of me, I will never forget Saturday family lunches at Polo. I haven't forgetten what Cima salads taste like & how Vodka feels when taken on a humid gimmick night. I miss how the sun feels when I walk to Fort Boni High Street and I definitely remember how a weekly massage ala Analyn feels... and how much I loved it. .

But I am definitely going home. Just a question of when! So wait for me.

I want you to know I am well. And that I am in God's periphery. So write me... again?

Une beso grande

x

S

letter to J-J-C 。。。

Dearest J-J-C,

Hi! I am doing GOOD in London. It has been four months + a couple of days since I left. I work as a marketing assistant and am gonna a course that will certify my standing as an English teacher to Adult students. I've been thinking of doing this for a very long time, so why not now? I am where people live and breathe English. It snowed today when I stepped out of the office. It was freezing but I couldn't help but smile to myself. Snow has never fallen from where I've come from (and come to think, it shouldn't even be snowing here as spring is coming...but it is London, isn't it?). The crazy London weather is as unpredictable as a gay and a premenstrual chick in heat--COMBINED!! A bit wide-eyed but all'S good. We can only live with what pathetic doses of sunshine we get in these parts. The infamous London weather. Needless to say, I've never been a fan of the cold. I like my sun where I can see it. But the experience of snow falling was just too novel to not indulge. I like
it here because I've found a bit of a quiet place where people mind their own business and don't gossip.

Thank you for being so forthright. Your tone was very direct yet unmistakably well-meant and warm. It may seem weird,
because we have never really corresponded. But from the get-go, you've always been nice to me, so there really is no reason for ill-will is there? I have no negative feelings and I'm not offended by your honesty. I guess when people speak from the heart, it automatically shows. Thank you for saying what you said. Now...if only everyone thought the way that you do...

I have grown so much in the couple of months I've been here yet not a day goes that I don't think of . . . so the picture came at such a good time. It's still very hard to talk about 。 。 。 It's like I have a deep part in my putaway heart where I keep my moments with 。 。 。 To be honest, I thought I'd forget since I am so faraway。 Out of sight, out of mind-- isn't that what they always say? Didn't quite work that way。 Especially not with 。 。 。 And seeing the photo today 。 。 。so perfect 。 。 。and just so amazing。 。 。In all honesty, I wish to be in touch with 。 。 。 Do you think it's a possibility? I really wish I could write an email and ask how everyone is doing. Shoot for the moon don't they always say that as well??? In God's time I also dream of exchanging emails with 。 。 。 To be in touch is not a plan to vindicate, to spar with my ex- 。 。 。or defend myself, but just to be visible in my own way. I knew what it was like. There is no doubt in my heart that I didn't love 。 。 。and I want to say that my leaving was not because I didn't. 在她的生日，我发了一封短信给 ex-婆婆 , 但她并没复。 I know it's far from ideal but the thought of corresponding with 。。 。 will really be enough for me for now。 I used to work with a Polish guy named 。 。 。 and one of my good friends here is an Italian dancer named 。 。 。 It's funny how 。 。 。find ways to me. There isn't a day I don't dream。 On a wildcard night of dreaming, I think of having 。 。 。here in London with me. Wishful thinking taken maybe to the moon and back. I dream of bringing 。 。 。over, maybe one
day, when the timing is impeccable, I will。

My life here is pretty normal. Basic really. Aside from work and school, on my own time, I self-study my Mandarin and a bit of Italian。 As of now, I can fluently cuss in Italian。 我学习中文也是有工做的关系。I chat with a friend of mine who's Taiwanese but based in Vegas, it has improved my writing in Mandarin as well。 I try to watch Disney films dubbed in Italian and have started appreciating Italian music, most recently blind ambition called Bocelli。He's just such a wonderful singer。 Maybe one day he will sing in my wedding。 My life doesn't sound all that fun but I like solitude。 It is hard quality to learn but I find now that it defines me 。。。 my individuality, my growth and my goals。 Learning keeps me busy here。 I am a bit homesick, but I miss family and relations。。。and 菲律賓 food. The pubs here hold no appeal for me, and I'm not a fan of
greasy fish and chips.

Where do you live now? When did you decide to go home? It's amazing that you're now in 马尼拉. Do you like it? 马尼拉 is always home, isn't it? I feel that way at least. Now that I've been away, I feel that more than ever. But I feel that leaving was a good decision. I found focus here。 And it's nice you get to talk to 。 。 。so I'm send hugs & kisses your way。

Hmm。。。 I wonder if 。 。 。 still remembers ping pang my pully。。。

Write again。 And thanks for being my friend。 I don't know what I did to deserve it, but i am appreciative of your goodness。 If you do find yourself in London, you should let me know.

With love,

S