Ciccia J,
Guess how I started my morning? Whilst walking to the nearby tube station, I called my ex just to say hi, among other things... He was nonchalant to hear my voice. It's funny now- how one time in my life a decade ago I vowed to spend my lifetime with him. It was weird to call him and hear a stranger answer. For a nanosecond I had wanted to tease him the way I used to a million times before, but I stopped myself. He didn't belong to me anymore. Once upon a time, he was mine to tease...when we were young lovers. Yet seeing how things have evolved, I realized we clearly grew up differently. And now that we're older, we're but strangers with nothing to say to each other. I don't know if you can use the term 爱 still, sometimes I still feel it is, but denial tells me it really is concern for someone who holds a big chunk of my past. He wasn't just my plus one. He was my ONLY one. Now, when people shit-talk him (and I have heard lots- that I have grown into myself nicely compared to Peter Pan in his Xenon World), I still feel bad and hurt for him. Sometimes, I think of calling him when I am particularly distressed by news, yet I am not in any place to check on him. When I hear he is doing well, I am happy, happy that he is in the fit of things. I still wish we could remove all bitterness and be friends but it has been four years and who knows how many leap years will leap through time till we regard each other as friends again. I know I had my share of mistakes (well NOT as grave as what I was accused of) but I realise now that I could have done more. And I still wish upto now, that I tried harder to stay friends. Hmmm we were 2 kids playing grown ups and we felt that because we had love, we had it all. How foolishly wide-eyed, do you not think so? My friend G and I chatted over the weekend and she told me that I am still filled with naivete- that I trust too easily and believe too much in the goodness of people, I've thought about what she said, but I think it really is my choice, to believe that people are still good deep down. Although now, I must say, this heart is not as easily fooled as before.
Went to Cambridge today with a slew of jetlagged delegates in tow. It was such a beautiful day even the Cambridge officials couldn't help but remark as we went about the presentation for the 中国 delegates-- Thank you for coming today and brining with you the beautiful weather. The sun was out, it was cool with no wind in sight...ah yes, spring is finally here。 Although the trip was work-related I did enjoy myself immensely. I am always happy to engage in banter and learn about people from all walks of life. There were some mini-blights along the way, but all throughout, everything was magic. Not bad for a Monday.
Your electronic music delivery courtesy of Gmail was much appreciated. One of the songs is ''learn to be lonely,'' I have heard it way back when and now I must say with utmost confidence, the last test to finally going full circle with loneliness is chucking it out of your vocabulary and replacing it with SOLITUDE. Of course I'm still not practical-- I'm a LEO, passion is the ultimate satiety for my kind. I still want the kind of love that makes you ache and makes you cry and leaves you with all the tummy butterflies, until then...solitude is fine for me, baby!
Lastly, let's talk about the cat who makes my day by coming to me voluntarily as I walk past her house on my way to work on the road called Rostrevor.
x
S
