to I 。。。

AIN'T it strange that the most memorable interactions I have with you can be found on the electronic trunkline? In hindsight, I find that I prefer this because whenever we'd hang and see each other in Capone's or Dish for an alcoholic dip, there's just so much awkwardness-- I can't speak for you but that was how it felt on my end at least. But online, ooh online。。。 I find that our exchanges thrill me to no end。 Ah, you are such good fun! You are one of the friends who reads me so well and makes me sit up and listen。I am inspired to become a better person after talking to you。Must be automatic to-do with friendships oft forged with words。 Even you have to admit, we don't catch each other often, but when we do it's always laugh-out-loud and time well spent。 Our talks are always enjoyable and they always leave me with some influential nuggetS of wisdom。 Yet, after our few and far between chats, I'm often left wondering about 'us,' semi-appended by something a friend of yours said to me in passing over coffee some years ago。。。that you & I just never had the 'chance.' Chance。。。did we truly not? Or did we both just excel in foresight, so much so that we subconsciously decided to forego the chance? Now and then, I'd wonder what he meant (most recently when I had passed a poster that had a Dylan Thomas quotable we once chatted about on my way home from class), and reduced it to LIP SERVICE。 Men, I feel, excel in this craft, and you my friend, are better than most, at saying the right things to make a woman。。。ask for more (?)

What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!

Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。

Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。

So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)

But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。

It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!

I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。

Besos!

x

S

a letter to a 'cousin'

Hi, sorry it took forever to write you back. I have been swamped with enough work & academic load that this was the soonest I could respond. I have been on the run for a good fortnight now as one of my colleagues decided to leave and one is actually off sick (on account of Sweet and Sour Pork poisoning...). Wish I had more exciting reasons for the delay in correspondence but! ). Apart from the gorgeous weekend weather and barbecue, I suppose this is what you have to contend with with. All work and no play makes me a dull gal, don't it? In truth I ran to the barbecue after class ended at 4.30. I was exhausted beyond belief and my friends had to push me to have some rum and unwind. It worked! Barbecue ala girl talk with Doritos and spiked OJ did me some good. I relaxed after my first glass.

Today I gave myself a pedicure and had a DVD run with a friend of mine. Her name is Nicole. We saw "Legends of the Fall." I've told her some months ago about her namesake and she has seen her recent picture as well...thanks to you. All Nicoles are beautiful...I daresay.

Thank you for the number. I will try to get in touch with her. (I'm still trying to sum up the courage to communicate. As for me and B, we are not really in speaking terms, but getting there (?). The starting point is always the hardest but hopefully, progressive. I am hopeful as I have prayed endlessly before deciding to call him.

I see no chance of getting back together. (I don't believe in long distance. Haha! Kidding.) Truth be told, too much has happened and it is quite safe to assume that all has been said and done and that both parties have moved on from whatever commonalities were shared. I've grown so much since leaving him some four years ago. I would like to think that he is a better individual than he was a leap year ago. They always say it, that 2 bad people can make a good relationship and conversely, 2 good ones can make a bad one. I'd like to believe that we fit into the latter. I suppose it is safe to say that I still carry my pain with me (battle scars?), but it is a closed book. I am sure he will say it in less words but the gist will be the same. Reconciliation can happen in several forms, can it not? I have offered a step to friendship countless times but I can only secondguess when that will actually materialize. I think back now to the time that we had been together. I had loved him so much once upon our time and despite my losses, I choose to look back and see how we once laughed and lived for each other. Love is hard to find, and so easy to lose and misplace. I realize my faults and am a better person despite everything. One day, when I am ready, I hope to find it again, but for now, I am perfectly content that it eludes me. Yes, I think of "them" and dream of them more than I care to admit. I am hopeful that one day we will be together. I pray that He leads the way.

Let me know about your visa and of course should your itinerary include London.. do keep me posted. What countries do you hope to visit??? Nicole's been getting me to go to Turin and I'm still wondering if I can this year. The Italians, God bless their bread and pasta, are such amazing cooks!!! They're a sunny bunch!


x

Besos and God bless.


S

liking the FEAR

Chatted to a friend today who tuned me into liking the 'fear' (watch and learn)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3vmpM2FGzU

There's so many emotions at the end of the season,
...and nobody likes to talk about it.
But one of them is FEAR.
Fear that you've come this far and it could all end.
The dream could die... but ME?
I like the fear...
It means I'm close...
it means-- I'm ready.

Talked to Shala today. I told her how loneliness was a reality people didn't like facing. I told her it was why people did the dumb things they do-- judge people or treat them less than they deserve or let them go even when there's a chance for love. People feared loneliness and they fear attachments. Sometimes I think I am one of them.

Yes, I like the fear.

Bring it on.

谈 恋 爱。。。

Second day in a row that the weather's been nice and dandy! (Virtually unheard of in these parts。)
We went to Hampshire with the delegation and one of the temps came in today and started talking to me about 谈恋爱。 It got me thinking about love as I've come to know it in my life。 I have been IN only twice in my life, had a ton of close calls, but before I was within the periphery, I was just taken off the circle。In hindsight, I have only good memories about these semi-redeeming men, yet they have left me hopeful-- that one day the one will come, sweep me off my feet, catch my fall and we will set adrift。

After a tiring two-day's work, our team of five, celebrated by having drinks at our friendly Nero。 My favorite barista always, always, always double-stamps my card, and I dearly adore him for it。 Along with other gals, I took the road oft traveled。 The train ride wasn't half-bad－ the view was as picturesque as it was peaceful。 The sun was out, what more could one ask? Leonine that I am, I am a big sun-flasher。 We rode back in the car, chucked in the back like a couple of sardines in a tin and colleagues repeatedly echoed and wondered why I was quiet beyond belief。 Strange, I normally am the quiet one in the pack, but that day, every one (even the MD) asked what was up with me。 I murmured my apologies and feigned sleep, yet in all honesty, a huge part of my heart wasn't in the conversation because all I could think of was。。。HIM。 A part of me, truth be told still feels confused。 How could I have been so wrong when I had felt so sure with him? How can someone so openly profess his love and leave me to drown in the bloody deluge? Unable to fight with me and for me。 A huge part of me knows it's all over and done with and yet, a tiny impassioned speck sparks on。 There are the few and far between moments when I still think of him and cry。 Yes, it feels good to know that I have felt 谈恋爱 the only way possible, yet with that same albeit dimming intensity, the pureness of these feelings were for naught! I still feel a tad stung by love's bittersweet aftertaste, and I can't help but feel betrayed。。。still。 The betrayal is a dullache, a reminder of all the sadness and emptiness that love can bring as well。 It has been quite a while since I last felt this emptiness。How insignificant my love was to him! 到此为止，我挺爱背叛了我的臭小子。 我真的很难受。Moving on。。。is this an impossibility? Giving myself again to someone that way again- is it even possible after being let down?

。。。after four years, my HEART is tired。 And it wants to move on and take a breather。 To stop thinking of him。 Loving him is a hopeless bull's eye。其实我和爱彼此有倒霉关系，但是我坚智有浪漫的理想，我也不清楚为甚么， 反正我对爱有激情，我都无所谓。I may feel hopeless about the man, but I am hopeful and expectant that LOVE, when it comes again, will be redeeming and beautiful。




x


S