to I 。。。

AIN'T it strange that the most memorable interactions I have with you can be found on the electronic trunkline? In hindsight, I find that I prefer this because whenever we'd hang and see each other in Capone's or Dish for an alcoholic dip, there's just so much awkwardness-- I can't speak for you but that was how it felt on my end at least. But online, ooh online。。。 I find that our exchanges thrill me to no end。 Ah, you are such good fun! You are one of the friends who reads me so well and makes me sit up and listen。I am inspired to become a better person after talking to you。Must be automatic to-do with friendships oft forged with words。 Even you have to admit, we don't catch each other often, but when we do it's always laugh-out-loud and time well spent。 Our talks are always enjoyable and they always leave me with some influential nuggetS of wisdom。 Yet, after our few and far between chats, I'm often left wondering about 'us,' semi-appended by something a friend of yours said to me in passing over coffee some years ago。。。that you & I just never had the 'chance.' Chance。。。did we truly not? Or did we both just excel in foresight, so much so that we subconsciously decided to forego the chance? Now and then, I'd wonder what he meant (most recently when I had passed a poster that had a Dylan Thomas quotable we once chatted about on my way home from class), and reduced it to LIP SERVICE。 Men, I feel, excel in this craft, and you my friend, are better than most, at saying the right things to make a woman。。。ask for more (?)

What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!

Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。

Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。

So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)

But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。

It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!

I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。

Besos!

x

S