Back to Boundaries。

T, my landlord came trouncing into the flat late last night。。。more than a little tipsy and a lot chatty。 I was in the sitting room watching a sappy Korean soap （which I admit has fast become an addictive pastime) whilst having a glass of vino rosso having just sent my tired ciccia home with the doggie bag fare of Gladiatore per favore. T walked in roundabout 12ish and started talking to me about courses he sometimes leads during weekends on commitment, intimacy & sexuality。 On the onslaught twas my politeness that was humoring him as we jumped from topics of the ongoing Korean war to Geisha books and the life of service they live out and the what-nots。。。till the topic of commitment just landed on my caca-faccia (poo-poo face。。。Let's thank the four-year old 'man' Nico for the term of endearment。) As T elaborated on the topic I usually shun talking about in the first person (namely Moi), he asked me what D (大老板) casually asked me over lunch today。 What was is about payday Friday that made people ask Moi these things?

” Why are you single? Don’t you miss being in a relationship? What keeps you occupied in Londra during weekends if you’re not in a proper relationship with someone? ” I don't know why but NOT is really the only answer to the question however which way you attack it。

I’ve always liked talking to Tony because he‘s a very reasonable and knowledgeable guy。 He had been a radical hippie in the 60s, traveling around the world by bus and cycle。。。 between him and his memories are what a life lived in full is all ‘bout。 He was very introverted but he picks up on the convo very very quickly and is very eager to share his honesty and thoughts. What more can I ask for??


I told him I wasn’t used to the casualness of relationships that's so blatantly rampant。 And he told me that I had nothing to fear as long as I had my boundaries in check。 I asked him what he meant。 And he said that the problem with the world today was that there were no rules—not like when he had been young。 Those days he said that you grew up knowing right and wrong and boundaries were set for you (by your parents primarily) until you figure it out for yourself in your eventual maturity。 Way back then- you grew up knowing what you wanted。 It starts with simple rules at home, he says。 You came home and washed the dishes after dinner every night。 You did something wrong, you got punished。 You did your fair share of the house chores because those were the rules。 It taught you discipline and responsibility and enforced a stability into your mindset。 Nowadays, people had a lackadaisical attitude about everything and have the anything goes mindset in whatever they did。 And this was what screwed up an individual, taking with it misplaced belief systems as well。 He says that in the first place, whoever grows up thinking s/he is owed something is just a git who will find trouble in his/her dealings。 It is because people have an idea of what they wanted that they put their beliefs into practice。 if you grow up not knowing about rules/responsibility & boundaries, you consequently will not know what you to expect from someone else －－this is but a simple fact of life。How would you know what you wanted from another person if you are unclear about what you specifically want out of life? Very salient point he makes。He says that LOVE is always on the top of everyone's WANTS list but often a great majority lack the skill in establishing boundaries that we unintentionally screw up relationships and lose LOVE in the process。

I think listening to him tonight gave me a lot to ponder on-- a broader view of life, living and the lot。 It makes sense to look for someone who not necessarily sees the world in the exact way that you do yet definitely someone who will walk and take that same direction is someone worth spending some time with。Two people may not sync perfectly (the concept of Mr。 Perfect is lost to me and a 100% match is another myth), but whoever takes the time to know where you go in life is definitely someone worth having and keeping by your side。 Sometimes, although less & less now, I still feel lost here-- alone & uncertain of people and a bit wary of myself and their general expectations。 But talking to T has made me realise that it is okay to NOT know everything, because somewhere in the middle of it all, you do learn. Suffice it to say, I have surpassed the grieving process of my past an am now in the mode of forgiving, letting go and loving myself。

OF COURSE one misses being in a relationship and singlehoold may be EXTRAhard here, but I'm not gonna just jump into the couplehood bandwagon when I'm finally liking solitude and realizing my worth。 That's an oversimplification but it is a truth I have accepted。For some reason, I’ve somehow magically left people with the general belief that my life is more exciting than it really is。Well past the age of impressions and misinterpretations, I really couldn't care less what people thought, because now I can say with utmost certainty that I am at home with myself。

It must be the leo in me, the romantic wide-eyed dreamer with the life of a party musings that gives that hard-hitting impression that i'm fun all the way? Because I am far from what people initially think- I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT。 I used to be dumbfounded by this。 Now I've realized- to people who make deductions and assumptions? Leave them be! And to the rare friends who have gone the extra mile to get to know me? You have a slot in my heart (and I have a big heart so don't worry about it not having space for the deserving individuals。)

I don't wake up with anyone, yet I've lost the un-loving feeling of waking up next to someone who was wrong for me。 I can vouchsafe that I am not safe in someone's arms for I am safe in my own shell。I am not in a so-so relationship with someone。。。 I am aglow from a relationship with myself。 Self-love at its finest (So slap me)。 I am passionate about myself and see myself braving greater heights-- to my infinity and beyond!!!


x


S