the highlights of the week that was.

To the Cuz'n who isn't really a cousin
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)

The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.

Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.

With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).

I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.

Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.

My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)

Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.

So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)

Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!



x



=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .



S