好事多磨 。。。

I remember reading this poem in middle school. It was given to me by Kristine. She was a batch higher than I and had been my troopmaster when I was uhmmm...a girl scout (it was a mandatory thing!!!) and we continually corresponded until she graduated valedictorian in 1993. She said she read it somewhere and wanted to encourage my growing fascination for poetry. Thinking back now, Kristine had the makings of a modern philosopher. I remember sending her Rossetti's "Remember" a few days before when I had written her a letter. She was in a (BIG) way an individual who was quite instrumental in shaping my love for reflection. (Shall we hit her on the head with a 2L Evian bottle? ha ha!) One of the things I remember about my deep friendships with people way back when was that it fueled my love for old-fashioned correspondence. Rudiments of penned romance, wouldn't you say? The limitless topics shared would freely ebb and flow leaving the receiver with a lot to think and write about, much to the other's chagrin. I have always been a bit more romantic than the normal femme and in my words I felt I was more alive with expression. My mom did say that I was a bit of a recluse when I was a child, I think I retreated into the world of books and let my imagination go wild whenever I had the chance!

Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.


''AFTER A WHILE..."

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)


A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.

I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.

We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.