to you

Dear S

I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.

In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.

Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.

Yes I remember.

I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.

The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.

I'm gonna find a way to you one day.