an open letter of apology to one man

B,


I admit too much has happened and I know with finality that it's over. We're over. And that it's just a matter of time till I take my own name again and let go of what legacy we had hoped to build together. This has been easier said than done. Took me all of four years to own up to this. Worry not, this is not some last-ditch to save us. (These four years we've spent apart I've come to the conclusion that we both don't think "WE" are worth the save.) And I'm way over it now but there's still something to be said about you and I. An apology. Mine. To you. One which I hope gets to you as you turn a day wiser today. It is what it is and I hope you accept it for what it is. It is very hard for me to say this so I hope that you would at least read it once.


So much time has passed and you would think every little hurt, pain...will fizzle into oblivion. But still there's one thing I haven't done, and it's to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know that I admit my responsibility for some of the blame. After four years- my blog can look you in the eye and tell you how sorry its owner is for hurting you. Straight from this Lionness' mouth! Took me long enough eh?


Started out innocently enough. P, a friend of mine from there, read my blog recently and said he could feel in my words how intensely I feel about you. How could I not?! Through YOU, I learned so much about life...love...tradition (and how it's not always a good thing)... and passion. I learned a lot while we were together, but I think I learned in the last four years as well. Absence makes the heart grow wiser apparently. In the time that we've been apart, I wasn't out partying and wandering in the streets getting lost in my woes. I'm too good for that now but sometime in the forgettable past I did wander.


In hindsight, I saw how I wasn't always keen on showing how much I felt. How I was always holding back. I wonder why now, you were my husband. But foolishness isn't always a rational thing and till now, I admit, the reason still escapes me... I suppose I'm built this way. Anyways, truth be told, I didn't start out loving you so much and I never expected that I would. And despite what people may think, I did love you in my own way. A little bit more each day that we were together but all that changed on that fateful Valentine's Day (c.1999). You had my heart tied to you by an unbreakable umbilical chain.


Now that I'm more accepting and open about it, I saw "US" for the first time. From an outsider's point of view. How we had been together and how heated things got when we argued. I understand now it wasn't simply because we were different (although that was also quite true), but also because we loved each other too much. Martha always said she was particularly surprised by how intensely we looked at each other. It's strange how it was always clear to her because it never seemed that way to you. I loved you so much. I was always afraid to show you and say out loud how much I loved you because I was afraid saying it made me 'weak.' I remember how I felt alive with you. Just you. When we'd walk home, my arm in your hand, car keys in the other. It was all I wanted. That whole bit. Just you...none of the trimmings. Just YOU. The time we had in BC stands out as one of my best memories with you. One I think of still whenever the London weather is beautiful. Cleaning your car, going to the groceries, having Chinese chibug at 4 in the morning at that Cantonese resto which has proly folded by now and getting bumped up to first class on our honeymoon. Thinking back, we did have some good times. We were so young and so foolish!


Believe it-- these are all realizations that came to me after four years of denial. That I regret not showing you just how much I loved you. And wishing I could have shown you more and told you more when you had been with me. It is true, one never regrets what one did wrong, in hindsight one always regret what one didn't do when she had the chance. Yes these are the things I regret, but I wish to leave it behind now. I want to leave my memories of you where it is- in my past. I can't hold on to loneliness forever and I feel ready to leave it all behind. Let's not border on martyrdom. That's taking it too far.


I remember how I fingerpointed at all your shortcomings, knowing fully well I had my faults as well, but never opening up to my end of the blame. It was always so much easier to blame the other person... how you should have done this and that differently. Now I realize I could have been more assertive. We went into the marriage with love but our expectations were vastly different. In in the end there was no way but to go separate ways. You were a proud and traditional man who wanted a subversive wife. I really don't know how you ended up choosing me (let's blame it on love!). I was impulsive, too out-of-the-box and idealistic. Your mom had once said I had read too many books. I reckon now she may have been right. But it was through this books that I knew I felt the real thing for you- so the books were alright. I knew then that all I wanted was you and a small house and our independence... we would be the couple who would start small and make our mark in life together. Given what I wanted, I don't know how I ended up with you either (again, let's just blame it on love shall we?)


My biggest fault and I admit my fair share in this was that I had been too timid to speak up and say I wasn't ready to get married because I had so much ambition in me. I remember that afternoon so vividly. I didn't have class and you came to visit me and we lay on my bed. When you broached the subject of marriage. I still remember so well. I was fine with Sam but the marriage part scared me. I had seen how my dad hurt my mom and I didn't want that. And I was too afraid to admit this to you, afraid you would think it was because I didn't love you enough (which is not the case, I found out the hard way in these couple of years) and think less of me. But I loved you so much that I married you thinking I was gonna wing it as we go along. I was always an optimist, wasn't I? And I thought how hard could marriage be? Shouldn't be too hard because we had love...right? Remember how we said we would never become that old couple who lived in one roof but barely talked? Well well, look at us now. We're not friends and have yet to resolve our issues. Think we marr(i)ed each other for life.


I don't know how to un-love someone who has been so much a part of my life. There are days when I wake up feeling that I can un-love you. Just like that. But there is one thing I can't get my heart to wipe out-- that soft spot that will always be intended for you. It will always be there. Like it or not, you are someone who's taught me so much yet caused me so much grief. But if I knew then and avoided this path, what of life can I hope to pass on? At least now I know that love (at least, the real kind) will never leave me. And although there are days when I wake up feeling empty, I handle it better and just mosey on...


Let me tell you now what I realized in the last four years (no thanks to denial...)-- that you don't choose what you feel and who you feel it for. Maybe love doesnt really end? I'm still wondering about this question really. Hopefully, one day I will wake up with the realization that the sad part is over. I know now love needs no reciprocation. Love will always be love, eventhough you have accepted with finality that it will never come full-circle. That much I can ascertain about us. The point is-- love came to me and I am thankful that it taught me a thing or two about life's realities. And it's holidaying in my sadness as we speak but one day, real soon now I feel, it will decide to leave. But I will be left stronger and with renewed optimism. I feel that more and more lately.


Oh ...I feel like breaking away from your memories and my sadness. I feel it's time. So yes, in the last four years I have learned my lesson the hard way, and while I will move on and accept the past easily-- the hardest part has been coming to terms and forgiving myself.



Happy birthday.



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In time, there would be a lot of things you2 will want to ask me, and one day I hope I have the chance to tell you how my life was spent apart from you2. I haven't wandered off. I am still here. Always here.



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