One of the nicest individuals I've ever had the pleasure of working in close proximity is our part-time deputy [A]. She was, initially, a scary 40-ish Englishwoman in mine eyes when I started working in PS but has gone on to become one of my confidantes cum chatmate in the office. We talk about everything under the sun, from my former flatemate who I miss to pieces till now (a HUGE shoutout to you Oishi-san!!!) to my hits & misses with men in jolly ol Londra. We share so much laughter and her wit is to die for! It all started when I bought her what she calls, 'the perfect banana.' (Oomph!) After that, we have had on occasion had to work together on some projects and ultimately would talk about life, love & the lot. I tell her all my mishaps with men and she tells me to 'bring it on!' She says that men in these parts never really talk to the girl and it is the girl who does the asking out. Whilst I am not anymore fresh off the boat having been in the country a little over ten months, the whole aspect of asking someone out is still not something I can easily do. I can readily tell Jules to ask out the I.T. guy she's crushing on and give her a blow-by-blow of to-dos, but ultimately, this is an ardous task that I feel isn't me. [A] would always tell me that if I wanted to get anywhere with these boys, I simply had to do one thing- ASK.
Last Friday, as we took turns drowning in hordes of paperwork, we decided to up the ante by chatting about the travails of dating. She told me that I was a very fascinating find. (Indeed?!?) The fact that my personhood came into question was unexpected, albeit appreciated. I didn't get what she was saying initially, but she took it to heart to explain very plaintively that she was an Englishwoman, purely born and raised here, with nary a doubt; whilst I was predominantly Chinese in looks and virtue (more or less). And I didn't look anything like the typical Mainland arrival (since I wasn't!), yet every nook and cranny of me was screamingly Oriental. But the insides of me was discovery du jour from the get-go and no one would be able to size me up down pat with a look. She intimated further that although I was born in Pinas, I didn't look anything like the clientele she had come across at work either; and conversations with me would obviously show that my influences were very American. She said she could imagine how endlessly fascinating all that would be to anyone from here.
Admittedly she had made quite a salient point. Although I've always been easy in my skin, undoubtedly proud and unembarrassed by my mixed heritage, it is easy to see how being esconced as one of em everday statistic here, leads one to believe I am as normal as the next person. And to a degree, I am. At the end of the day, we all go to the toilet, don't we?
I told Cindy about it as she helped me packed and I realized that my legacy was never something I fully appreciated until [A] made mention of this special quality. Cin said that it was a very positive thing to verbalize. And that I must have made an impression on my colleague.
It gets me thinking that all this is magnified because I am here. Back home, I always thought I was like the next person in my clique. All Tsinays who work by days and party on weekends. We live with our family, spend their money and never have to budge an inch where housework is concerned. (Does that make us brats, I wonder?) Or does it make us blinder than most? I honestly have no answer. But looking at me know, in all humility, I think I've managed to claw myself away from the rudiments of parent-dependence and ironically, this has brought me closer to my mommy and daddy. I still can't cook to save my life, although I do cook to save myself from hunger. I don't drive a car anymore, but I get to my destination nonetheless. I worry about budgeting and scrimping, and shopping weekly has become an absentee habit which I don't think about anymore. When my mommy calls to ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm well, despite the fact that I'm really wishing she'd hand over some, the way she used to do back when I lived with them. All these changes have brought me to where I am, closer to independence and inches away from all the easy fun I used to be so accustomed to.
I am where God wants me to be, being the individual He wishes me to be. That much I know because that is basically all that matters.
18.7.08
17.7.08
Random thoughts of Superstardom (AKA a tribute to Melissa)
Ｕn。
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-
Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.
When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)
My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.
In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.
Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-
Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.
When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)
My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.
In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.
Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)
12.7.08
Slow and Steady.
WELCOME TO HANGOVER ZONE!!! was the signage on my thought bubble when I roused this morning. Much to my misbegotten chagrin, at approximately ten to 8, I told myself I will never walk the drunken path again! (Right.) Once again, who was I kidding? I loved the cider and all that down & dirtydancing. (So it was a gay-friendly pub & I was acting so gay that people might have thought I was a transvestite...my gay friends rock...) But all that gay-talk aside, i had a B-L-A-S-T!!! Who cares, Rodney my personal gay-dar extraordinaire loved my dancing. (Just to say it's Saturday morning as I write this, so I'm not drunk anymore, but I haven't answered any call of nature so technically the alcohol is IN!!!)
I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."
Uhm.
What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?
Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?
Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.
Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.
Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)
When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.
Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?
My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*
I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."
Uhm.
What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?
Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?
Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.
Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.
Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)
When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.
Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?
My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*
11.7.08
Happy Birthday to my wonderboy Alex.
Ahhhh...Alex.
When I'm with Alex, I'm sure to be at the George & Dragon. While I am far from my ultra outgoing self here in Londra (my disclaimer is that I am not in Pinas anymore!), I must say that the gay-friendly vibe gets me going. The rain was very daunting but I found myself in Old Street, happily to celebrate a rainy day birthday for someone who's provided me with his ray of sunshine this side of the planet.
I will always remember Alex because he encouraged me to find my writer persona. Even helped me get printed on the broadsheet. Not once. Not twice. Thrice!! (Count 'em!!!)
I love ya Alex. Many happy returns today and bon viaje as you find the next chapter of your life in the Far East.
Walk on my good man.
3.7.08
Things that Make Me Go Mmmmm 。。。
(Or to be more spot-on: He kissed me!!!)
I was kissed.
(Now say this in ClueDo fashion and it will sound like the way it is going in my head)
By a stranger. Out of the blue. In the Victoria station. With his lips.
I was stunned!!!
A complete stranger?
Yes.
A bloody good-looking bloke. (But still...)
I stood there stunned.
He came to me and gave me a huge smile. Kissed both my cheeks. Took my left hand in both of his, kissed it too.
Then smiled again. Then walked away.
I was still standing in the same spot 20 seconds later.
The attendant (who looked like a Jamaican) saw the whole thing, looked at me and said, "I'm guessing you don't know him?"
I shook my head vehemently. "Never seen him before in my life."
And she said, ''He was cute. And it's ok. Your boyfriend don't see...if he did, it's trouble..."
Say what?!?
Sing it with me now... You must remember this... A kiss is just a kiss.... (despite being stolen?)
Apparently for the attendant lady, that is a Y-E-S!!!
19.6.08
Chasing the Sun (Part Deux)
Nothing about life overwhelms me. Everything about life overwhelms me.
The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.
When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.
I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.
My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!
All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！
The older I get, the simpler I become yet my personal standards move a notch higher and suddenly, things are decidedly much more stringent than they used to be. It is an inverse equation of complexity, I daresay. I am glad that London fills my current life canvass. There is nowhere I'd rather be & no state I'd rather have than the here & now! I feel very at peace and I know I still have so much to learn-- sort of outside looking in on the whole culture, but with in fixed unique-to-self thinking that is open to change but not pressured to do so. Everything here may shout fair game-- so much so that I am glad I came when I did and not earlier, I am better able to temper all the crazy independence that is lain before me. (Di nako natatakam tulad ng dati.) I used to wish I came over earlier because it would mean, biological age in all consideration, I would have moved forward earlier. But I see now that the impeccable timing to come here just sealed the deal. It's genius and madness and now more than before, I am quite good at balancing the scales of nuttiness/saneness (Leo in Libra mode). My friend MLD has said to me, "Sorry love. I'm afraid anything can happen in London." Stated in the same-difference tone, I reckon in this case 'being afraid' may actually be a good thing. Every nook and cranny of the city is just enough to spiral me away into the chasms of a create-your-own-adventure pageturner. Thankfully, I am in much better shape to be flung into la-la-land now. "Adventure" has come to mean responsibility in action and stability of thinking as well.
When people are older, do we all truly become much wiser? I'd like to think yes...yet I feel it isn't always the case. I'm afraid in the next month this (wannabe) scribe turns a year older/wiser(?) again and it feels surreal. I have a long way to go and my worrier side currently takes centerstage. I am unconvinced that at the ripe old emotional age of 31, I've seen it all.. really. Really. Eternal optimist that I am, I am very fervent in the belief that I was born with means to an end- and it is to feel fully alive and be ridiculously happy. At such a young age, my parents had given me all that I wanted and much idyllic as it was, I was shielded from seeing the dogged realities of life. The forewalls of paradise. The world was always beautiful and shining until I defied their wishes and marred the pristine walls of perfection. So much of that perfect life is now a blur. I see the cracks now... yet I am as hopeful as ever. I believe that there is a purpose for the cracks which time will reveal in due course. The last 4 years may have been a difficult stage and I would not wish it on anyone, yet I feel that surviving it will make me sit and take notice of how I would live out the rest of my life as I move forward. I think now that I am best able to quantify happiness in all its fullness.
I remember in the lost days of my very very very innocent youth, I was happy 24/7. Till Mr Wild and Wicked Wind (permission to steal a line Chris Martin allegedly stole as well if we are to believe Londra gossip) happened, my life spiraled out of control and I was ill-equipped and forcefed Survival 101. It came to me almost immediately yet I didn't know what to do with it. I was young (and a LEO!!!) I wanted drama. I wanted tragedy. Denial. Pain. Tears. Sleepless nights. Vodka (which came pre-Bridget Jones' so her flick had nothing to do with it!). All the vulgar realities brought by one life-changing stimulus- the WWW (wild & wicked wind). The vodka I still want now and then, but the drama-- may it just rest in peace.
If I think about the four years when I was in between all that madness, I realise now that truly life goes on...despite the pain, the anger and the bad people who shit their pants silly on a bad night of inebriety.
My life's canvas is a work in progress...filled with so much sunniness. I choose to live it differently from a leap year ago. Yet the perfect past and the not-so-distant stains are as much a part of me as the future. I set out into the unknown reinforced with so many things, but I know wherever I end up, it will be a meaningful and positive upward stream from this point on. It will be smiling, shining and new because now that the ''crack stage'' is over, the best is here. At last!
All is bright and all is beautiful. It's my own personal recipe of 'life, liberty & pursuit of happiness' recipe-->> 成功, OPTIMISM, 钱!!!, PASSION, 和 谈恋爱。 狮子座知足根本不间单！！
16.6.08
life's lesson # 1
At the risk of sounding like a Coelho-wannabe, I went to take a walk down the River Thames today, and wept. Not tears of discontent, far from it. Because truly, I feel blessed to be where I am. I feel God could not have chosen a more beautiful canvass to teach me the many things I never would have known had I chosen to stay in my comfort zone.
My tears were that of loneliness. I miss my family so much that I yearn for them, but I don't feel ready to go back. Although I understand that all this time away from them is teaching me so many valuable lessons. It is not time to be with my family but being away from them has taught me about embracing solitude and seeing the bigger picture. Solitude has become something of a reality for me, and although it does hit its lows, I don't run from it anymore. I used to be deathly afraid of loneliness and I ran away from it, foolishly... into the arms of repression and denial. Now I sort of just sit down and deal with it. It comes and it goes and more and more I am adapting to it.
Nothing is easy here but life is teaching me a lot more than loneliness. I'm learning a tough lesson on survival, resilience and humility...but i'm doing well and will keep at it.
a big shout out to the great unknown
Julia and I went to a fundraiser a fortnight ago at the Grosvenor Hotel for the Sichuan Earthquake victims. I found myself seated beside a hottie who was admittedly not very tall, but certainly very distracting. I've always been a sucker for a man with kind eyes and he clearly upped the ante because his kind eyes met mine in a fundraiser. Kind eyes and a beautiful heart. Nobody but nobody gets away with that combination!!!
Oh pray tell what's a girl to do? Being the individual who hates being lodged into her dang seat for more than 20 minutes, I was moving about and invading his personal space. He smiled and would talk to me and I was wondering about him.
I had all but let go of him...but I dreamt of him last night.
To Mr Fundraiser with the kind eyes. I just really need to get those kind eyes out of my system which is why I'm sending it out into the big unknown knowing that most probably, nothing will come of it but the catharsis will do me good.
x
(what is it about men, me & amazingly beautiful hotels???)
13.6.08
The Bradshaw Case Studies
"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love"
(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)
In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.
Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan
Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.
Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.
Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.
Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.
Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.
Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.
(I got this from my fellow SATC enthusiast-friend, Rachel. I'm Carrie to her spine-tingling Miranda...)
In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
Case #1- Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.
Case #2 - Carrie and Aidan
Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.
Case #3 - Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.
Case #4 - Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.
Case #5- Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.
Case # 6 Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.
Case #7 - Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.
11.6.08
haunted by a memory。。。
It is the extreme that inspires. Whether a thought, an action or a memory, it is that which is put into the extreme that defines an experience. The form is but secondary- it is what it brings on that is prime rib. It is not a simple case of happiness VS sadness. (In actual fact, it ain't simple at all.) In all honestly, why would anyone waste time writing down your feelings when youre on top of the happiness mound? Just revel in your happiness...
Though in times of sadness, it is a completely different ballgame. I feel that one writes with utmost poignancy because any intense feelings (regardless of +/-) dupes us out of normalcy and gets us thinking and feeling so much that in the end the only thing to do is (at least for this blogger) W-R-I-T-E. I don't understand the whys and wherefores of so many things, but before i lay me down to eternal quietude, I would love nothing more than to know more truths about LOVE（the kind that lasts, the kind that speaks of forever).
不论到哪里 总会看到你。。。 长得相似的人，看起来都像你。。。岁然你已经不在我身边。。。自己已经往前走我的路。 但是为甚么还不断出现在我眼前？ 我为甚么竟然等待, 不让你离开我。
我相信彼此喜欢的人， 终究还是会重逢, 不管两个人相隔再遥远，终究还是会回来。 只要能使一切当做没发生过.
疯狂爱你的记忆和往事正在寻找你。 不能再以爱情为理由束缚你。 爱情终究会回来.
I see him in everyone I encounter. Still and all, it is his face that lights up the crowd. Every day I see him, and every person I see resembles him. And although I've moved on and he is no longer beside me, I walk my walk and his memory never leaves me. I wonder- why does he never disappear? I know not why I keep his memory close by me.
(Maybe I believe too much in romance that it works against my psyche.)
x
7.6.08
the highlights of the week that was.
To the Cuz'n who isn't really a cousin
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)
The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.
Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.
With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).
I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.
Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.
My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)
Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.
So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)
Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!
x
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .
S
(but gives me a warm & fuzzy feeling all over--for going the extra mile!)
The thing about our correspondence that I absolutely love is the sincerity of your action (reaction really). Doesn't matter how long it takes you to revert back to me, the mere fact that you do so consistently means more…so despite traveling to the Far East and burning pictures for a dozen new-found friends & leasing your sister’s babes on an extended albeit shortterm basis—you still found time to write. I have mail. From you. I like reading your mails. They make me smile and remember- remnants of a past i shared with you. Does that make sense? Since being away from home, I've become quite deft at picking quality friendships that have 'forever' ingrained on them. This, I daresay is one of ‘em.
Forget the apologies, because from where I’m standing, none is needed. What did you do in 大陆? Since working closely with a lot of Chinese students, I have to say I've developed an endearment for all individuals porcelain-skinned and chinky-eyed.
With carrot & celery sticks dipped in humus, permit me to multitask and munch on my store-bought goodies as I tell you of the week that was. Let me write you with my usual dose of humour, charm & candor (none of which is store-bought, thank God).
I went to a fundraiser last Monday (02.06.08) for the benefit of the Sichuan Earthquake victims. It felt good to be in a roomful of people all there for the sole purpose of supporting a cause. Amidst the very moving speech of the Madam Ambassador, I was distracted because Fate (God bless her!) sat me beside a bloke who albeit not-very tall, was very very goodlooking (love my penchant for superlatives—don’t you?!). I was sandwiched betwixt the cutie and the colleague. When I spoke to Julia (let's name the colleague), he would look at me with his kind eyes and smile in answer as if agreeing with my statements. He was eavesdropping (clearly a minor glitch I overlooked on account of his hottie hotness factor # 9.0!!) After the event, I went to the bar and decided to have a gin & tonic. Nameless Hottie passed me twice in the quaint lobby of the very beautiful Grosvenor Palace Hotel and smiled wordlessly at me. (How I wish lightning had struck him one of those two times! That might have gotten a firestarter conversation out of him!!!) I always have some strange anecdote attached to my story and I was thinking that this fundraiser made me see the bigger picture. That short men don't really cut it for me even if they were really good-looking and that if we really put things in perspective, we can see how even the smallest act of kindness (regardless of height) can have a profound effect on the life of someone on the opposite end of the world. Life is too short. Much too short to be lived backwards or in regret. On a reflective standpoint, a grave mistake can be made and often it is through it that an individual realises and sets it straight from that point on. With this in mind, the mistake although made will not have been in vain because it elicited change. I'd like to think that despite the mistake I've committed (no need to state the obvious because I am sure you know which grave mistake i refer to), I've made myself better. It was not easy where I had come from and getting from point A to point B was, as they say, no walk in the park. But in my case, this one singular mistake stands out and although it has taken me a long while to forgive myself, it has made me well aware of my sensitivity to the consequences of my actions. And when applicable, this mistake has taught me to humble myself and go against Leonine pride and Oriental prejudices. I got to this point where I know the whys and wherefores of seeking someone's forgiveness. It is an exercise in resilience for someone like me. All this appended by my never-say-die idealism makes me a fervent believer in happy endings. I know somewhere over the rainbow skies, along the lines of "the ONES who've had sh** hitting the fan once", my name is waitlisted. Somewhere there on that same page I suspect is an elusive name who will complete the phrase "_____ ever after" for me. I feel sometimes it is the delays in the transport links that make me miss him but I also suspect more and more that it is also my readiness (or lack of it really). But I am getting there.
Last night, I attended the wedding of my friends Heather and Colin. Did I tell you that for a long time I avoided attending weddings? I tend to have a talent for keeping things bottled up inside for years on end. So much so that it takes me awhile to face my pain and my fears. For a long time weddings annoyed me. Because of what they (mis)represented. I still feel foolish because I always kept by my promises. Like when I promised to do something for a friend, I really would do my utmost to fulfill it. I grew up thinking that everyone was the same (it sounds so silly now but I really did.) and then I found myself in repeated situations of being blown in the wind. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own really. It must be nice to be married to Pete. (Even his name sounds so reliable.) But aside from the cool name, he also seems like a nice guy. I don't really know how growing old with someone feels. (Growing old in itself is a concept I am not sure I am full-on ready to explore.) I don't know him well enough but I've heard it said often by different family members that you and Pete are one of the well-loved couples in that large brood. Hmmm I think I know what he means by not being fully accustomed to living there means. I think you two have built a life away from Pinas. It may have been home once but when you left, you started life in a new place together. So I think maybe he's pining for the familiar. All my friends here have told me the same thing. The first time you go back, it will be different and you will realise that London has become home and Pinas will be a little different because of what you've become used to here. And they said in that way London will feel like home. Hmm I wonder how true. I just finished ironing my clothes (I don't think I'll ever miss this!) and I still do think of home. Less and less now, but i still have my moments. I love karaoke and OPM music. I don't think there's anything here that comes close to the taste of Pinas for me.
My memories are very pronounced and selective. I wonder if that makes sense? I'm very repressive with ones I'd like to bury and forget. I used to detach myself quite easily to anything. Detachment works out well for my shortterm memory (so long as I don't have to revert to memories long gone then it's all good. Or so I thought. Apparently, deep-seated memories eventutally find their way back to you. Often it may take a bit of time...but make no mistake, when they get back to you...they will hurt...)
Aside from my wedding avoidance, a leap year ago, I also had developed children-avoidance. Although I had to be constantly around children (family members and friends did have them regularly), I made a mental note to ignore them. To know that they were around were one thing, but I drew the line at interaction and detached myself from them if I could. It is a repressive trait built by training that sort of brandishes my cold armour. If I could get away with it, I had a no holding policy where babies were concerned. No explanation really-- just that I chose NOT to interact with children and hold them. Until today. Actually, 2 different babies, two days apart but here's the short of it. Two days ago, one of the girls our firm shared an office with, Pam called me to come see her new grandson (Jake). I looked at him, looked away and ran out of the room. She said to me, you didn't strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't warm to babies. I shrugged and that was that. Or so i thought. But today, apparently, I wasn't gonna get away that easily. I was visiting a friend of mine who had to work on Saturday. And well, there was a newborn baby in the office when I arrived. I went to see Robs for lunch and one of her colleagues brought her newborn. I didn't even look at the baby because I could hear her from where I was sitting. And then something happened. The phone rang and transactions went awry and shortstaffed that they were, no one was left to hold the baby. And because I was the obvious non-employee, all I could do was take the baby from her mommy. Before I knew what was happening I was clutching baby Mia. Holding on to her for what seemed to be-- redemption. And I loved it. The feeling of holding a new-born babe. She smelled so nice and looked so peaceful. And her in my arms made me feel that I had found a lost memory. I dare not expound, except to say that it was catharsis that shouldve happened sooner than later.
So, truly it has been a very important weekend for me. I'm facing more and more of the realities that I left in the past and I'm coming to terms with them...all set for what looks like my brightly lit future. Now I'm back to embracing weddings and babies (though not necessarily in that order!!!)
Europe is lovely this time of year. Are you havin a blast wherever you are? Give me a shout!!! My email box misses you!
x
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Nothing is as real as a dream.
The world can change around you,
but your dream will not.
Responsibilities need not erase it.
Duties need not obscure it.
Because if the dream is within you,
NO ONE can take it away. . .
S
30.5.08
to be or not to be。。。
If you feel that you are in a very difficult time in your life now, it is because your conscience is egging you to make THAT decision (you know what I'm talking about ciccio, no if & buts 'bout it!)...LIFE should be lived forwards & how else do you take it a step up? Take yourself a step further. Be OUT there.
How I've always admired you for your stalwart beliefs and directives in life. Be unselfish. Impart these thoughts. Initially, they may resist, but intention is key. And if they see through your actions that the concern is genuine, they will sit up and listen. How many fiends have they taken in because of the same false promises? Which is why you will not fail because you will go in with a clean mind and a pure heart. Two things that will make a world of a difference in the arena you are about to tread. As I've said, FEAR is not a factor. My friend, you have always been my benchmark for goodness. Believe that you can do it.
All that aside, feel free to give me a shout. it isn't a very hard thing to do and I will call you because that's what friends do. Keep it real ciccio and don't resist- you will find that it is fate that finds Her way to you (of course like Mother Nature, Fate is femme...haha). Anyway, I am digressing- think of making the best of what today brings and doubtless you will find yourself in good shape in the not-so-forseeable future.
Your friends will tell you the same thing I'm saying and if they are your real friends...they will help and listen and fight your fights and make it theirs.
Cheers to you mate and your mate! Build this dream together. There's no turning back. (Ain't no mountain high enough!)
Be brave Ciccio. No time for pensive (oxymoronic) excuses. Now YOU go to the mattresses.
(for inspiration it's Franki Valli and the 4 Seasons- Walk like a Man!)
Now i've go to work and walk the talk. Keep me in the loop!
28.5.08
happy ever after...
I was on the train today (as I am on most days, but today I had a thought). And travel takes up so much of my time that it drives me to do the inevitable- it gets me thinking. When it's not secretly people-watching or Sudoku that keeps me occupied, it's usually a string of random thoughts pulled together by emotions (mine) so intense that I find myself losing sleep (and for a sleepyhead like myself, that says a LOT). I often think of myself as a parody. I have beautiful illusions of the world in my mind yet no such illusions carry over where I am concerned. Why is that? Optimistic about every little thing but big 'ol me. The one thing I should be most optimistic about!!! I do hold the world in extremely high regard. I believe in happy endings...second chances...romance...laughter (not the kind that's at the expense of other people because that is so not cool!). Everything in my head appears more fantastic, phantasmic and always ultimately beautiful. Although I am often misinterpreted to be lackadaisical in my thinking and manner (the lazy lopsided smile and the slow and steady stride doesn't help, I reckon...) yet in all truthfulness (and the truth sets you free so I know I'm on the right track!), I feel I keep a lot of my emotions in me that sometimes I surprise myself. How I am touched by the smallest things and how easily I find beauty in the things that escape the human eye. A beautiful melody, a haunting line so apt to my life that it tugs at my heart, a memory long gone but still as vivid as ever, the sight of lovers whispering...so many little things that are gone in a nanosecond that they often occur unnoticed by the common tao. Maybe I am of the uncommon kind??? Could be.
Last week a stranger gave me a koala keychain from Oz. It felt so weird to be the recipient of such a gift. It is a talisman I carry with pride (my handbag clutches to it at least). A stranger I offered a seat to looking into her tired traveller peepers, lo and behold! It wasn't the first time I did it but I must admit it is a very novel thing for Londoners to watch in action. My parents would bonk me if I took a seat while silently watching someone slightly senior take the ramp. It does not happen on their watch, so why should I allow it to happen on mine? Anyway...back to my kewpie koala... I almost lost it once but a kindly man signaled to me and the koala which for a temporary moment found its way on the sordid Piccadilly trail left for dirt, came back to mama!! I've always been lucky with strangers (unlucky with love, lucky with strangers...incredible irony of my good fate with the unfamiliar! (Where's the brainstorm in that?) I told my friend R today how I felt I had no luck with love but that I believed love is loverlier the second time around (My fair Lady inspired line!). She said I was stronger than I cared to admit and that I was gonna find my very happy ever after/second chance because in mine eyes all things remained bright and beautiful.
It's been a fortnight since I did my laundry that my wardrobe's become a mish-mash of the dreaded threads I choose not to wear (Never really if I had my way). Ca**o! When friends ask me why I never get around to doing laundry I tell them with glee-- because my 'muse' (when he makes his way to my Rostrevor doorstep) will clean and cook and love me like there's no tomorrow. And I will finally understand that my yesterday had to happen because if it hadn't then I would not yearn for him the way I do now as I wait for him and his sturdy horse.
So to my modern manly muse- come hither! (OR as my colleague Nicky says-- Come the f*** on!!!)
x
S
12.5.08
an open letter of apology to one man
B,
I admit too much has happened and I know with finality that it's over. We're over. And that it's just a matter of time till I take my own name again and let go of what legacy we had hoped to build together. This has been easier said than done. Took me all of four years to own up to this. Worry not, this is not some last-ditch to save us. (These four years we've spent apart I've come to the conclusion that we both don't think "WE" are worth the save.) And I'm way over it now but there's still something to be said about you and I. An apology. Mine. To you. One which I hope gets to you as you turn a day wiser today. It is what it is and I hope you accept it for what it is. It is very hard for me to say this so I hope that you would at least read it once.
So much time has passed and you would think every little hurt, pain...will fizzle into oblivion. But still there's one thing I haven't done, and it's to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know that I admit my responsibility for some of the blame. After four years- my blog can look you in the eye and tell you how sorry its owner is for hurting you. Straight from this Lionness' mouth! Took me long enough eh?
Started out innocently enough. P, a friend of mine from there, read my blog recently and said he could feel in my words how intensely I feel about you. How could I not?! Through YOU, I learned so much about life...love...tradition (and how it's not always a good thing)... and passion. I learned a lot while we were together, but I think I learned in the last four years as well. Absence makes the heart grow wiser apparently. In the time that we've been apart, I wasn't out partying and wandering in the streets getting lost in my woes. I'm too good for that now but sometime in the forgettable past I did wander.
In hindsight, I saw how I wasn't always keen on showing how much I felt. How I was always holding back. I wonder why now, you were my husband. But foolishness isn't always a rational thing and till now, I admit, the reason still escapes me... I suppose I'm built this way. Anyways, truth be told, I didn't start out loving you so much and I never expected that I would. And despite what people may think, I did love you in my own way. A little bit more each day that we were together but all that changed on that fateful Valentine's Day (c.1999). You had my heart tied to you by an unbreakable umbilical chain.
Now that I'm more accepting and open about it, I saw "US" for the first time. From an outsider's point of view. How we had been together and how heated things got when we argued. I understand now it wasn't simply because we were different (although that was also quite true), but also because we loved each other too much. Martha always said she was particularly surprised by how intensely we looked at each other. It's strange how it was always clear to her because it never seemed that way to you. I loved you so much. I was always afraid to show you and say out loud how much I loved you because I was afraid saying it made me 'weak.' I remember how I felt alive with you. Just you. When we'd walk home, my arm in your hand, car keys in the other. It was all I wanted. That whole bit. Just you...none of the trimmings. Just YOU. The time we had in BC stands out as one of my best memories with you. One I think of still whenever the London weather is beautiful. Cleaning your car, going to the groceries, having Chinese chibug at 4 in the morning at that Cantonese resto which has proly folded by now and getting bumped up to first class on our honeymoon. Thinking back, we did have some good times. We were so young and so foolish!
Believe it-- these are all realizations that came to me after four years of denial. That I regret not showing you just how much I loved you. And wishing I could have shown you more and told you more when you had been with me. It is true, one never regrets what one did wrong, in hindsight one always regret what one didn't do when she had the chance. Yes these are the things I regret, but I wish to leave it behind now. I want to leave my memories of you where it is- in my past. I can't hold on to loneliness forever and I feel ready to leave it all behind. Let's not border on martyrdom. That's taking it too far.
I remember how I fingerpointed at all your shortcomings, knowing fully well I had my faults as well, but never opening up to my end of the blame. It was always so much easier to blame the other person... how you should have done this and that differently. Now I realize I could have been more assertive. We went into the marriage with love but our expectations were vastly different. In in the end there was no way but to go separate ways. You were a proud and traditional man who wanted a subversive wife. I really don't know how you ended up choosing me (let's blame it on love!). I was impulsive, too out-of-the-box and idealistic. Your mom had once said I had read too many books. I reckon now she may have been right. But it was through this books that I knew I felt the real thing for you- so the books were alright. I knew then that all I wanted was you and a small house and our independence... we would be the couple who would start small and make our mark in life together. Given what I wanted, I don't know how I ended up with you either (again, let's just blame it on love shall we?)
My biggest fault and I admit my fair share in this was that I had been too timid to speak up and say I wasn't ready to get married because I had so much ambition in me. I remember that afternoon so vividly. I didn't have class and you came to visit me and we lay on my bed. When you broached the subject of marriage. I still remember so well. I was fine with Sam but the marriage part scared me. I had seen how my dad hurt my mom and I didn't want that. And I was too afraid to admit this to you, afraid you would think it was because I didn't love you enough (which is not the case, I found out the hard way in these couple of years) and think less of me. But I loved you so much that I married you thinking I was gonna wing it as we go along. I was always an optimist, wasn't I? And I thought how hard could marriage be? Shouldn't be too hard because we had love...right? Remember how we said we would never become that old couple who lived in one roof but barely talked? Well well, look at us now. We're not friends and have yet to resolve our issues. Think we marr(i)ed each other for life.
I don't know how to un-love someone who has been so much a part of my life. There are days when I wake up feeling that I can un-love you. Just like that. But there is one thing I can't get my heart to wipe out-- that soft spot that will always be intended for you. It will always be there. Like it or not, you are someone who's taught me so much yet caused me so much grief. But if I knew then and avoided this path, what of life can I hope to pass on? At least now I know that love (at least, the real kind) will never leave me. And although there are days when I wake up feeling empty, I handle it better and just mosey on...
Let me tell you now what I realized in the last four years (no thanks to denial...)-- that you don't choose what you feel and who you feel it for. Maybe love doesnt really end? I'm still wondering about this question really. Hopefully, one day I will wake up with the realization that the sad part is over. I know now love needs no reciprocation. Love will always be love, eventhough you have accepted with finality that it will never come full-circle. That much I can ascertain about us. The point is-- love came to me and I am thankful that it taught me a thing or two about life's realities. And it's holidaying in my sadness as we speak but one day, real soon now I feel, it will decide to leave. But I will be left stronger and with renewed optimism. I feel that more and more lately.
Oh ...I feel like breaking away from your memories and my sadness. I feel it's time. So yes, in the last four years I have learned my lesson the hard way, and while I will move on and accept the past easily-- the hardest part has been coming to terms and forgiving myself.
Happy birthday.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In time, there would be a lot of things you2 will want to ask me, and one day I hope I have the chance to tell you how my life was spent apart from you2. I haven't wandered off. I am still here. Always here.
x
I admit too much has happened and I know with finality that it's over. We're over. And that it's just a matter of time till I take my own name again and let go of what legacy we had hoped to build together. This has been easier said than done. Took me all of four years to own up to this. Worry not, this is not some last-ditch to save us. (These four years we've spent apart I've come to the conclusion that we both don't think "WE" are worth the save.) And I'm way over it now but there's still something to be said about you and I. An apology. Mine. To you. One which I hope gets to you as you turn a day wiser today. It is what it is and I hope you accept it for what it is. It is very hard for me to say this so I hope that you would at least read it once.
So much time has passed and you would think every little hurt, pain...will fizzle into oblivion. But still there's one thing I haven't done, and it's to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know that I admit my responsibility for some of the blame. After four years- my blog can look you in the eye and tell you how sorry its owner is for hurting you. Straight from this Lionness' mouth! Took me long enough eh?
Started out innocently enough. P, a friend of mine from there, read my blog recently and said he could feel in my words how intensely I feel about you. How could I not?! Through YOU, I learned so much about life...love...tradition (and how it's not always a good thing)... and passion. I learned a lot while we were together, but I think I learned in the last four years as well. Absence makes the heart grow wiser apparently. In the time that we've been apart, I wasn't out partying and wandering in the streets getting lost in my woes. I'm too good for that now but sometime in the forgettable past I did wander.
In hindsight, I saw how I wasn't always keen on showing how much I felt. How I was always holding back. I wonder why now, you were my husband. But foolishness isn't always a rational thing and till now, I admit, the reason still escapes me... I suppose I'm built this way. Anyways, truth be told, I didn't start out loving you so much and I never expected that I would. And despite what people may think, I did love you in my own way. A little bit more each day that we were together but all that changed on that fateful Valentine's Day (c.1999). You had my heart tied to you by an unbreakable umbilical chain.
Now that I'm more accepting and open about it, I saw "US" for the first time. From an outsider's point of view. How we had been together and how heated things got when we argued. I understand now it wasn't simply because we were different (although that was also quite true), but also because we loved each other too much. Martha always said she was particularly surprised by how intensely we looked at each other. It's strange how it was always clear to her because it never seemed that way to you. I loved you so much. I was always afraid to show you and say out loud how much I loved you because I was afraid saying it made me 'weak.' I remember how I felt alive with you. Just you. When we'd walk home, my arm in your hand, car keys in the other. It was all I wanted. That whole bit. Just you...none of the trimmings. Just YOU. The time we had in BC stands out as one of my best memories with you. One I think of still whenever the London weather is beautiful. Cleaning your car, going to the groceries, having Chinese chibug at 4 in the morning at that Cantonese resto which has proly folded by now and getting bumped up to first class on our honeymoon. Thinking back, we did have some good times. We were so young and so foolish!
Believe it-- these are all realizations that came to me after four years of denial. That I regret not showing you just how much I loved you. And wishing I could have shown you more and told you more when you had been with me. It is true, one never regrets what one did wrong, in hindsight one always regret what one didn't do when she had the chance. Yes these are the things I regret, but I wish to leave it behind now. I want to leave my memories of you where it is- in my past. I can't hold on to loneliness forever and I feel ready to leave it all behind. Let's not border on martyrdom. That's taking it too far.
I remember how I fingerpointed at all your shortcomings, knowing fully well I had my faults as well, but never opening up to my end of the blame. It was always so much easier to blame the other person... how you should have done this and that differently. Now I realize I could have been more assertive. We went into the marriage with love but our expectations were vastly different. In in the end there was no way but to go separate ways. You were a proud and traditional man who wanted a subversive wife. I really don't know how you ended up choosing me (let's blame it on love!). I was impulsive, too out-of-the-box and idealistic. Your mom had once said I had read too many books. I reckon now she may have been right. But it was through this books that I knew I felt the real thing for you- so the books were alright. I knew then that all I wanted was you and a small house and our independence... we would be the couple who would start small and make our mark in life together. Given what I wanted, I don't know how I ended up with you either (again, let's just blame it on love shall we?)
My biggest fault and I admit my fair share in this was that I had been too timid to speak up and say I wasn't ready to get married because I had so much ambition in me. I remember that afternoon so vividly. I didn't have class and you came to visit me and we lay on my bed. When you broached the subject of marriage. I still remember so well. I was fine with Sam but the marriage part scared me. I had seen how my dad hurt my mom and I didn't want that. And I was too afraid to admit this to you, afraid you would think it was because I didn't love you enough (which is not the case, I found out the hard way in these couple of years) and think less of me. But I loved you so much that I married you thinking I was gonna wing it as we go along. I was always an optimist, wasn't I? And I thought how hard could marriage be? Shouldn't be too hard because we had love...right? Remember how we said we would never become that old couple who lived in one roof but barely talked? Well well, look at us now. We're not friends and have yet to resolve our issues. Think we marr(i)ed each other for life.
I don't know how to un-love someone who has been so much a part of my life. There are days when I wake up feeling that I can un-love you. Just like that. But there is one thing I can't get my heart to wipe out-- that soft spot that will always be intended for you. It will always be there. Like it or not, you are someone who's taught me so much yet caused me so much grief. But if I knew then and avoided this path, what of life can I hope to pass on? At least now I know that love (at least, the real kind) will never leave me. And although there are days when I wake up feeling empty, I handle it better and just mosey on...
Let me tell you now what I realized in the last four years (no thanks to denial...)-- that you don't choose what you feel and who you feel it for. Maybe love doesnt really end? I'm still wondering about this question really. Hopefully, one day I will wake up with the realization that the sad part is over. I know now love needs no reciprocation. Love will always be love, eventhough you have accepted with finality that it will never come full-circle. That much I can ascertain about us. The point is-- love came to me and I am thankful that it taught me a thing or two about life's realities. And it's holidaying in my sadness as we speak but one day, real soon now I feel, it will decide to leave. But I will be left stronger and with renewed optimism. I feel that more and more lately.
Oh ...I feel like breaking away from your memories and my sadness. I feel it's time. So yes, in the last four years I have learned my lesson the hard way, and while I will move on and accept the past easily-- the hardest part has been coming to terms and forgiving myself.
Happy birthday.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
In time, there would be a lot of things you2 will want to ask me, and one day I hope I have the chance to tell you how my life was spent apart from you2. I haven't wandered off. I am still here. Always here.
x
7.5.08
advice from an English stranger...
Chatted to a nice 40-ish lady of leisure (?) outside NatWest. Beautiful English woman full of life and laughter. It really is the sun that makes all the difference, isn't it?
Told me to find a good man, snag him and give him babies.
Yes just your (EXTRA)ordinary chat in jolly ol London.
She made me smile. And HOPE.
x
Told me to find a good man, snag him and give him babies.
Yes just your (EXTRA)ordinary chat in jolly ol London.
She made me smile. And HOPE.
x
2.5.08
Maestra--- moi?!?
I start teaching my students on Tuesday. I was put in charge of the Upper-Intermediates. I feel a bit anxious and a bit excited about this development. I am about to prepare my lesson plan as I ponder on the 20-minute and 40-minute exercises that I am to prepare for this week.
I have a bit of an issue with this. A minute alter-ego-ish ish. Really. I have a fear of public speaking. Normally I fare very well one on one but I have a converse attention problem. The moment that all eyes are on me, I seem to lose sight of my focus and my speech just tattles on its own. So it isn't that I freeze and dry. (Didn't I say 'CONVERSE' attention prob???) But I feel this is a minor altercation I will have to overcome and that is why I chose to take up this course.
The challenge is to teach the students and use the 20 minutes given to me as a chance to make a difference by teaching them something that they will hopefully use when they speak in the near future. If I can leave at least a couple of language nuggets in their minds then the exercise would not have been in vain.
I feel very pressured to make a difference because one of my Spanish students remarked to me that it has been years and she hasn't felt an improvement in her English
Ah...all this will change.
After all, I am the hostess with the mostest. Rowwwrrr!!!
xx
I have a bit of an issue with this. A minute alter-ego-ish ish. Really. I have a fear of public speaking. Normally I fare very well one on one but I have a converse attention problem. The moment that all eyes are on me, I seem to lose sight of my focus and my speech just tattles on its own. So it isn't that I freeze and dry. (Didn't I say 'CONVERSE' attention prob???) But I feel this is a minor altercation I will have to overcome and that is why I chose to take up this course.
The challenge is to teach the students and use the 20 minutes given to me as a chance to make a difference by teaching them something that they will hopefully use when they speak in the near future. If I can leave at least a couple of language nuggets in their minds then the exercise would not have been in vain.
I feel very pressured to make a difference because one of my Spanish students remarked to me that it has been years and she hasn't felt an improvement in her English
Ah...all this will change.
After all, I am the hostess with the mostest. Rowwwrrr!!!
xx
28.4.08
to I 。。。
AIN'T it strange that the most memorable interactions I have with you can be found on the electronic trunkline? In hindsight, I find that I prefer this because whenever we'd hang and see each other in Capone's or Dish for an alcoholic dip, there's just so much awkwardness-- I can't speak for you but that was how it felt on my end at least. But online, ooh online。。。 I find that our exchanges thrill me to no end。 Ah, you are such good fun! You are one of the friends who reads me so well and makes me sit up and listen。I am inspired to become a better person after talking to you。Must be automatic to-do with friendships oft forged with words。 Even you have to admit, we don't catch each other often, but when we do it's always laugh-out-loud and time well spent。 Our talks are always enjoyable and they always leave me with some influential nuggetS of wisdom。 Yet, after our few and far between chats, I'm often left wondering about 'us,' semi-appended by something a friend of yours said to me in passing over coffee some years ago。。。that you & I just never had the 'chance.' Chance。。。did we truly not? Or did we both just excel in foresight, so much so that we subconsciously decided to forego the chance? Now and then, I'd wonder what he meant (most recently when I had passed a poster that had a Dylan Thomas quotable we once chatted about on my way home from class), and reduced it to LIP SERVICE。 Men, I feel, excel in this craft, and you my friend, are better than most, at saying the right things to make a woman。。。ask for more (?)
What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!
Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。
Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。
So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)
But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。
It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!
I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。
Besos!
x
S
What I had once thought of as lip service might just have been a late night confession。 Two worlds apart, two confessions too close。 Too late chocolate!
Because in the midst of our late-night convo, thanks to an overconsumption of vino rosso (YOURS!), you told me bluntly that at some point in our friendship, you had been very attracted to me, but out of respect for what I had been then, you stopped yourself。 Wow!! The confession crept into that conversation ever so subtly。。。downplayed and unassuming。 It felt surreal。
Can i sound off as well? That I can sum it up in so little words yet with the same damning Leonine intensity? How I, despite my unhappiness then, had found myself attracted to you too。 So much so that I spent many sleepless nights wondering about you and how I felt about you。 And what if I'd been less of a wuss & actually kissed you on one of those nights when you walked me to my car, instead of fumbling and stumbling whilst imagining how your lips would feel...IN MY DREAMS. Count about a million times-- that would be just about the right number。
So yeah, just so we're clear, once upon a time, I did find myself attracted to you too。 I never did anything about it。 I'm not good at making (bad) moves, and it didn't feel right to do something about it under the circumstances。 How my conscience had bugged me-- how could I have such thoughts?! I spent sleepless nights thinking of how great it would be to be with you。。。 and well because I didn't really know how to go about the attraction, in the end i just decided NO ACTION was the best action。 It didn't sit well to be with one man and attracted to another。 I knew it wasn't lust (you're not THAT attractive, ciccio!!!)
But enough with the ear-flapping confessions, Dumbo。
It feels strange now thinking how we had mutually felt something yet didn't do anything。 So I daresay, apart from our penchant for the Bard and Branagh's adaptations, we share a fair amount of decency that is quite hard to find these days. It leads me to one plausible conclusion- that you and I are meant to be friends。。。 the kind who will always laugh together and talk like kids behind closed doors。。。 So, cheers mate!
I don't regret being a passive player in our on-line game。 Glad we're where we are now。
Besos!
x
S
27.4.08
a letter to a 'cousin'
Hi, sorry it took forever to write you back. I have been swamped with enough work & academic load that this was the soonest I could respond. I have been on the run for a good fortnight now as one of my colleagues decided to leave and one is actually off sick (on account of Sweet and Sour Pork poisoning...). Wish I had more exciting reasons for the delay in correspondence but! ). Apart from the gorgeous weekend weather and barbecue, I suppose this is what you have to contend with with. All work and no play makes me a dull gal, don't it? In truth I ran to the barbecue after class ended at 4.30. I was exhausted beyond belief and my friends had to push me to have some rum and unwind. It worked! Barbecue ala girl talk with Doritos and spiked OJ did me some good. I relaxed after my first glass.
Today I gave myself a pedicure and had a DVD run with a friend of mine. Her name is Nicole. We saw "Legends of the Fall." I've told her some months ago about her namesake and she has seen her recent picture as well...thanks to you. All Nicoles are beautiful...I daresay.
Thank you for the number. I will try to get in touch with her. (I'm still trying to sum up the courage to communicate. As for me and B, we are not really in speaking terms, but getting there (?). The starting point is always the hardest but hopefully, progressive. I am hopeful as I have prayed endlessly before deciding to call him.
I see no chance of getting back together. (I don't believe in long distance. Haha! Kidding.) Truth be told, too much has happened and it is quite safe to assume that all has been said and done and that both parties have moved on from whatever commonalities were shared. I've grown so much since leaving him some four years ago. I would like to think that he is a better individual than he was a leap year ago. They always say it, that 2 bad people can make a good relationship and conversely, 2 good ones can make a bad one. I'd like to believe that we fit into the latter. I suppose it is safe to say that I still carry my pain with me (battle scars?), but it is a closed book. I am sure he will say it in less words but the gist will be the same. Reconciliation can happen in several forms, can it not? I have offered a step to friendship countless times but I can only secondguess when that will actually materialize. I think back now to the time that we had been together. I had loved him so much once upon our time and despite my losses, I choose to look back and see how we once laughed and lived for each other. Love is hard to find, and so easy to lose and misplace. I realize my faults and am a better person despite everything. One day, when I am ready, I hope to find it again, but for now, I am perfectly content that it eludes me. Yes, I think of "them" and dream of them more than I care to admit. I am hopeful that one day we will be together. I pray that He leads the way.
Let me know about your visa and of course should your itinerary include London.. do keep me posted. What countries do you hope to visit??? Nicole's been getting me to go to Turin and I'm still wondering if I can this year. The Italians, God bless their bread and pasta, are such amazing cooks!!! They're a sunny bunch!
x
Besos and God bless.
S
Today I gave myself a pedicure and had a DVD run with a friend of mine. Her name is Nicole. We saw "Legends of the Fall." I've told her some months ago about her namesake and she has seen her recent picture as well...thanks to you. All Nicoles are beautiful...I daresay.
Thank you for the number. I will try to get in touch with her. (I'm still trying to sum up the courage to communicate. As for me and B, we are not really in speaking terms, but getting there (?). The starting point is always the hardest but hopefully, progressive. I am hopeful as I have prayed endlessly before deciding to call him.
I see no chance of getting back together. (I don't believe in long distance. Haha! Kidding.) Truth be told, too much has happened and it is quite safe to assume that all has been said and done and that both parties have moved on from whatever commonalities were shared. I've grown so much since leaving him some four years ago. I would like to think that he is a better individual than he was a leap year ago. They always say it, that 2 bad people can make a good relationship and conversely, 2 good ones can make a bad one. I'd like to believe that we fit into the latter. I suppose it is safe to say that I still carry my pain with me (battle scars?), but it is a closed book. I am sure he will say it in less words but the gist will be the same. Reconciliation can happen in several forms, can it not? I have offered a step to friendship countless times but I can only secondguess when that will actually materialize. I think back now to the time that we had been together. I had loved him so much once upon our time and despite my losses, I choose to look back and see how we once laughed and lived for each other. Love is hard to find, and so easy to lose and misplace. I realize my faults and am a better person despite everything. One day, when I am ready, I hope to find it again, but for now, I am perfectly content that it eludes me. Yes, I think of "them" and dream of them more than I care to admit. I am hopeful that one day we will be together. I pray that He leads the way.
Let me know about your visa and of course should your itinerary include London.. do keep me posted. What countries do you hope to visit??? Nicole's been getting me to go to Turin and I'm still wondering if I can this year. The Italians, God bless their bread and pasta, are such amazing cooks!!! They're a sunny bunch!
x
Besos and God bless.
S
19.4.08
liking the FEAR
Chatted to a friend today who tuned me into liking the 'fear' (watch and learn)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3vmpM2FGzU
There's so many emotions at the end of the season,
...and nobody likes to talk about it.
But one of them is FEAR.
Fear that you've come this far and it could all end.
The dream could die... but ME?
I like the fear...
It means I'm close...
it means-- I'm ready.
Talked to Shala today. I told her how loneliness was a reality people didn't like facing. I told her it was why people did the dumb things they do-- judge people or treat them less than they deserve or let them go even when there's a chance for love. People feared loneliness and they fear attachments. Sometimes I think I am one of them.
Yes, I like the fear.
Bring it on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3vmpM2FGzU
There's so many emotions at the end of the season,
...and nobody likes to talk about it.
But one of them is FEAR.
Fear that you've come this far and it could all end.
The dream could die... but ME?
I like the fear...
It means I'm close...
it means-- I'm ready.
Talked to Shala today. I told her how loneliness was a reality people didn't like facing. I told her it was why people did the dumb things they do-- judge people or treat them less than they deserve or let them go even when there's a chance for love. People feared loneliness and they fear attachments. Sometimes I think I am one of them.
Yes, I like the fear.
Bring it on.
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