The Fa'afafine Files

(no thanks to mid afternoon caffeine!!!)--> Or aptly put, superdooper T-H-A-N-K-S to the shell shocking effects of the Ristretto caffeine that turned my bad day around?!?

OH。OH。OH。

I had such a rough-and-tumble day at work. As I went on my way, after my colleague Lucy & I had said our goodbyes, I went to the nearby Caffe Nero and downed a doppio espresso to go. I figured day was so bad, it was only caffeine that could turn the day drastically around- as it turns out-- I GOT MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR!!!

I looked into my trusty ol Mac and tinkered with the camera, and the caffeine-infused rush (SHOCK?!?) started out innocently enough 。。。

This is a 'sample' shot of me with deux shots of espresso ristretto looking into the camera and testing the 'waters.' (May nalalaman pang sample shot ha!!)


。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 and the caffeine peak 。 。 。 。 。 。 。 。
This shot looks very Miss Saigon-y. That you are Sunlight ... and I moon... bit. But I am playing the movie in my mind as a lonestar as my 'Chris' is still lost in translation.


And suddenly 。。。
"Nakanganga!!!"


Here's the fine Leonine with THAT extra-Oomph of sunshine!


。。。but I would have to say that the utter shock (horror really!) was when I saw-


THE Epitome of Fafafini (Kainis!)


Definition of the Term:
Fafafini (Samoan - Fa'afafine) is a third gender specific to Samoan culture. Fafafini are biologically men who have been raised to assume female gender roles since early childhood. (A-K-more crudely-A, Transgender amp!!!)

A huge huge huge shoutout to my Vegas ciccia E who couldn't help but LOL when she saw the pics and for helping me choose the ones that made the Fa'afafine Final Laff Fix!!! (Even at the expense of being caught in the act by their Fafafini recep!!)!


As the day comes to a close, I realise that there are a slew of bad days--YES, but it all changes when your mind's eye dwells on the POSITIVE.
Have a good laugh at yourself (just as I did!!!)


All's well that ends well。 Live on, LAUGH ON!!!


x

The Prayer of the Listening Heart: A Reflection

One of my friends attended a retreat back home recently. I read her blog with keen interest because she is quite well-rounded and her views on life, simply put are quite infectious. Blog after blog, I wonder about her activities, traipsing from one adventure to the next. This is what she is busy with now. Pensivity at its finest.

See what she has to say http://melissaftong.blogspot.com/2008/09/prayer-of-listening-heart.html

REFLECTION: As I've been left to my own designs since Autumn07, I've been carrying the same boatload of thoughts. More now than ever before- and the last couple of weeks have been an ongoing process. Not a case of dilly-dallying.

I've been garnering questions that lead me step-by-step to my life's purpose. I have in my mind's eye the eternal question mark. Still and all, I see how far i've come and how much more I've to go. Someone asked me recently why I wouldn't consider going back home? He says I've obviously already learned what I needed to learn.

It is in these subtle moments that I see God's designs in my life. So in answer I posed a question- when do you get to that point when you realize learning stops? Does learning ever really stop? Or does it ever stunt you?

If I do head home (and I do think of it constantly), what waits for me? More questions to my already endless array of questions. (Annoying I know.)

Truly, he didn't have a response that satieted my penchant for inquisition. (Come to think of it, he consented silently).

So speechless that the subject was changed. But I do have an answer.
Learning never stops. It is as ongoing as our breath. But having said that, I do know that I stand to learn regardless of where I go. To a point, he is right. I feel I have learned all that I didn't when I was in Manila. Life had been so easy. It was all an illusion. But when the blinders came off, I realized I couldn't go back and be the old me anymore. I was the personification of the Allegory of the Cave.

All these thoughts don't sound very Sadrina, do they? But in the grand scheme of things, I believe we all fit. Timing is always of the essence. The never-ending pieces of the puzzle all come together in varying degrees at various times in our lives.

Always the eternal optimist, I believe individuals must move forward with a few simple truths passed down by their parents. This basic truths will hold them together... until social interplay complicates it further at some point in the teenage years. That youth may have to be wasted on the young, for the youth to grow into maturity...a necessary semi-evil?!

And when the age of reason comes in due course, you become a mishmash of all things sensible. In the end personal truths come through and we simply choose to bin it in the dark recesses of your mind into the alley of experience. (And what a wide alley it can be!!!)

Aside from learning so much, realization did happen at some point. I am more relaxed if things are different from the way I see them.

I know firsthand the sacrifices of keeping mum.

I see the beauty of an open-mind, although I find comfort in tradition (within reason).

I'm loving the consistency of good judgement.

Yes, still stubborn. Yes, still stalwart. And yes, still painstakingly passionate.

But I've since overhauled and simplified. There's NO "my way or the highway" mentality anymore. This has since beenr replaced with the politically correct term- Compromise.).

In the quiet of loneliness, solitude became apparent and appreciated. I didn't learn anything the easy way- but I did get a lot of help along the way. From London to Vegas to Paris to Japan to Pinas to Shanghai to BC-- there are a slew of individuals to thank for the NOW. So, I'm not in the meantime anymore. I've passed with flying colours. I'm officially OUT!!!

The quiet used to be an uncomfortable quest for me. I always thought it was for the singular purpose of sleep (really)! My nature is very dynamic, refuses to stay p-u-t. Sitting still for a long time bores me. But I've since then learned to reflect, thanks to Kay-chan (the one from Japan!). Each night was a different thought but the goal was simply to reflect.. Every night before I sleep, I do pray and am one with silence. Moreso that I share comfortable silence with myself. Because I've found it to be true, that if you still yourself long enough, you will realize that God uses that stillness to lull you into understanding His plans for you.


x

Random Flashfront

I was looking at a random video of a local church today on youtube. I couldn't help but think what it would be like to stand in the midst of that peaceful scene with friends who've seen me through my worst and my amazingly supportive family and marry THE man of my dreams! Just the thought warms me. That Someone who will fill my life with color and so much laughter as my past fades and my future steers clearly into a happy ending that goes on and on and on...

I know love begets love and I know that despite all the troughs, I never once succumbed to the tempting flavours of casual quickies ( not in Asia and certainly not in Europe!!!) for that very reason: I want to be able to relish the experience of falling in love and rising to the expectations of the long awaited happy ending. Long-awaited means he's out there, finding me as I wait in my quiet counter.

The idealism steers me away from the tempestuous whims that is commonplace to everyone.

They say ASK.
Ask and you shall receive.
I am asking for a prayerful/God-fearing/superstitious wonderboy of a man who will fill my days and nights with laugh out loud moments, who will see why dancing is my necessary evil, why mass songs quiet me despite my tone-deaf persona, why karaoke rules supreme, why some days it's only OPM that seals the deal, why Bottega Veneta is better than LV, why the sun-flasher in me thrives in the coldness that is London, and why I am to be trusted just because。

I saw a rainbow today。 And I remembered。 To trust in the goodness of my intentions。

TRUST is what friendship is all about and I intend for this relationship to be with my best friend, stuntman, reliever, lover and pet。 All in ONE. Bak says I am looking for the impossible. Robs say wake up and smell the coffee。 A lot of my friends tell me to give up the grandiose dreams of ROMANCE。 But I say nay。

Because I believe HE is out there。And that my Leonine idealism is damn worth it。


x o x o

lutong Macau (?)

My beautiful friend Robbylyn (who makes the BEST sour amarettos bar none!)'s dirty kitchen resembles a mini Diao Eng Chay stand. (Kulang na lang mga sago drinks and you're in business love!!!)

Hahahahah! Chili sauce ba yan? OMG Robs!!!


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


A few hours earlier, I was just looking at FB's 'I Love Pinoy Application' and can't help but miss the familiar. Boy Bawang. Oishi. Halo halo. CRISPY PATA. Tokwa't baboy. Fishball.

(Uh-oh. Someone's getting homesick.)

忍耐 （Resilience)

这几天来工作情况不是挺好的。 跟我联系的人都对我很不公平。 真受不了！ 在加上我房东一天比一天讲话没到理，快气死我了。 跟妈吗讲他对我的态度有点儿过份 。所以周末跟爸妈讲住宿的问题, 我说心有点难过和生气。
My mom and I have a great relationship. As with my confidantes, I don't sugarcoat and attempt to make myself look good so I uttered expletives in her hearing presence. We got cut at some point and I said I would call again in half an hour. I think Karma heard my resounding anger reverberate in the high heavens and decided that I shall speak no more.

Moments later, I was surprised to hear my dad's voice on the other line with subtle urgency telling me that I should not speak in that very uncouth manner. (My mom maintains I simply should speak English as I speak like a proper lady haha!). The mother-alarm sounded when my dad went on to say that I was a very nice person when I left Pinas and that just because they're not beside me in Londra it didn't mean it was acceptable to start sounding like the evil-kinevil alter-ego they never met. I could hear my mom in the background saying, ''You talk to her. She's so stubborn if I talk to her it will fall to deaf ears. You reason with her. She listens to you." While I hold no ill will with my mom's method of enlightening me, I was pleasantly surprised that I agreed with her. She was right. I don't remember how often she's told me that I was one of the nicest individuals she's met, but having said that my stubborness doesn't bend quite as easily. My problem wasn't being nice. It was bending to the whims of others. Once again, mothers do know best.

In all guilt-ridden silence, I listened to my daddy. He's openly agnostic (but secretly Buddhist, I'd like to believe haha!) but often speaks with such wisdom that I simply am humbled in his (again) hearing presence. He told me that maybe I should just see my shortcomings since I came from Pinas and didn't actually have housetraining instilled in me. I told him that I had been in the 新房屋有六周 and I distinctly remember 我已经丢了三次的垃圾所以，对我来说房东的道理根本讲得很没有道理。My daddy told me to bring it up nicely and ask for specific details- 甚么时候是我丢垃圾的责任， 在甚么地方可放东西。 These pieces of information, once asked, will sort out a lot of things and make it easier for everyone。 Daddy said I must be fed up by the constant rambling of the little things that I should be mindful because it is the little things that add up to become the big things that people often fight about. Once again he was accurate. He reminded me that it wasn't simply a matter of putting up/shutting up. It was putting up and shutting up WITHIN REASON. Communication solves everything provided that you are speaking with reasonable people. He told me that he saw how much I had grown up away from them in the last year or so, but that I should speak my mind when I have something to contribute. Then after he shoved the phone back to my mom and in the background I heard him say victoriously, "You're wrong. She listened and I think she got it." (Hahaha talk about me whilst I'm within earshot, WHY DON'T YOU???)

Which leads me to my thoughts in the here and now. Being with B and Go. made me a silent operator. It did. Much less now since I am more open about my feelings. I was happy that I had a chance to speak to Kay-chan today for more than a hour. She sounds well and seems to have adjusted to Japan. Happily I told her how I was. And how much I missed sharing a flat with her. I miss this Japanese lady as she has become a friend through and through. She told me about her H.O. frustrations and how life is in Japan. I finally told her about B and she told me that what happened with B wasn't my fault. B was just not open-minded enough to see me. And I had to tell myself that in the end there was nothing I could do to have prevented what had happened to us. She's right of course. I tell myself everyday and although it's easier, I think my men issues are getting sorted in bits and bobs in jolly ol Londra. (Jolly good!)

Happy to report that I found a pair of size 8 LONG linen pants from Dorothy Perkins for 7 quid!!! Not bad for someone who had no intention of doing any shopping today.

I plan to lie down all week this week because the last fortnight at work simply requires me to avoid moving till Monday comes around AGAIN. Laziness is sometimes a necessary evil, hahaha!


x

His Cup Overfloweth!

The weekend that was found me texting an old friend (Let's call him N!!!). I found out from a good friend that N was touring Europe with a group of colleagues. I wanted to know if he would find his way to London at some point- would be nice to meet up for dinner and a night-out to catch up. Being away from home makes me yearn for good old-fashioned Noypi company. That said, I got more than I bargained for when a callback 30 minutes later left me speechless. Poor guy was in Greece and suffering from an ear infection that prevented him from travelling via plane, thereby segregating him from his mates & isolating him in the middle of nowhere. I was at work & in the middle of a meeting & said I'd be in touch to check on him.

When I got back in the evening- I texted N wondering how he was coping with his travel plans. Apparently, he was shuffling in and out of Europe via train (make that trainS!!!). He was en route to Ancona via ferry by the time I caught up with him. (There was also obvious dismay in his scaredy cat voice.) He called because he needed help with his schedules and Italian trainlines. No clue as to which Milan-based train to take and when. Neither did I but I didn't think my uncertainty would help so I took on the persona of a know-it-all colleague and gave it a go. Without batting an eyelash (not that he could see!!) I told him train travelling was the craze in Europe & if I could do it easily, then he would do without a hitch. Plus of course he had me to help him out, so what else did he need? I tried calling my Italian ciccia Nicole to ask about the trains in Italy but didn't get through. In the end, it was ol’ reliable Mr Google that saved the day! A big shoutout to translation websites because I don't read a sh** of Italian and still managed to check out more than half a dozen travel schemes. I decided on a couple of options and sent through a ton of SMS.

From Ancona he had to book a train to Milan, then catch the Eurostar that would then allow him to rejoin his group in Paris. Fighting an ear infection could not have helped + being in unfamiliar terrain that was short of English speakers must have been more than a slight annoyance. But N is one of 'em likeable guys with ‘em untarnished auras (which I’m a suck-up for as they are few & far between) and my altruistic self wouldn’t allow for 'the hearing wounded' to be defeated quite so easily. I once witnessed him show a random act of kindness, so I had to PAY IT FORWARD!

On a sunny Saturday , much to the chagrin of my date Rob, N called while we were making our way to Greenwich via Jubilee. Rob remarked more than once that it was sooh sweet (the famous English sarcasm was very thick in his voice!!!) that I was so concerned. Hahaha, I had to laugh when he said that. I can't (and don’t) expect someone local to understand the frightening prospects of travelling alone so far from home. I had been in those shoes once upon a time, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so I certainly can't just be noncommittal. Being away from home was tough enough. I tried to explain it to Rob as we made our way to Canary Wharf. He said that I spoiled my friends, how about spoiling the date who waited for over two months for a change? But I paid him no heed and called N. Phone was OFF. Got to Greenwich- still off. We went around Camden Lock and he was still unreachable. Finally, I got home at 8pm and called to find it was still off. I did my laundry and when I finished at half 9, I got through. Worried sick about the sick little puppy who was finally in Milan but weary and unsure of his next train. He sounded so defeated that I just made it sound like an adventure ala Fear Factor to encourage him. I LIKE THE FEAR...ala NBA!) I even told him I got car-chased by a friggin' Pana less than a month after arriving into the country. I told him it was okey to ask if he didn't know and reminded him to eat his meals and take his medication regularly and of course, to be mindful of his surroundings. I reminded him to check the travel options I messaged to him the night before. He sounded exhausted, and with good reason!

More than once when I couldn’t get through, the eternal optimist innate in me would assume that he was in transit. I was more than a tad worried as I am simply put a worrier beyond compare!!! But rationale prevailed as I told myself he was the shuffling in and out of trains whilst I was simply in and out of Italian train company websites to check train schedules and prices for him. By comparison, helping him find his train connections was the easy part.

Last night shortly before midnight I called him again. He was waiting in Milan for the Eurostar that would set him off to Paris. Finally! He didn't get to purchase a ticket as ticketing office was closed. I got in touch with my French friends, making train inquiry upon train inquiry to ascertain that I was giving him proper instructions. (I confirm that both friends gave me correct instructions which I forwarded readily to him!!!)

I finally got a text that he had arrived in Paris!! FINALLY!!!!! After, he texted and called to tell me I had won an all expenses paid trip to Paris. How generous was he?!?!?!?! He sounded like his jovial self that I couldn't help but laugh. There was the N that I was familiar with.

As of this writing, I am still more than a little overwhelmed by the obvious show of generosity. Kindness always warms me especially since I see so little of it where I am. Did I really do that much to warrant me a freebie to Paris? It didn't feel like that when I sent a casual greeting to an old friend, but the overwhelming generosity...simply put, leaves me speechless.

All's well that ends well.

N & I talked over and over. And it was so fun to talk in Filipino- I hadn't in so long. I am happy that he is finally with his party and sounds like his old self. What a stranger-than-strange circumstance it was- A FRIEND IN NEED HAS BECOME A FRIEND INDEED! I am sure that this weekend made him realise a lot about his strength and quite simply, I am very thrilled that he is finally getting the break he deserves and enjoying the City of Romance!!!

All the best N!!! This ends my weekend and makes me smile.

Remember- You must pay it F-O-R-W-A-R-D!!!

Blatant Do-Gooder

Sunday morning--

This pensive femme chatted with Wes and has intimated that she was on the lookout for a blantant do-gooder of a man.

He came back with a weekend shocker.

At approximately 0805 Londontime, I was told that there was no such individual on the face of the earth.

Say what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He said there were no innate do-gooder... that everyone does everything for a reason.
No one would do good for the heck of it. Out of the goodness of their heart.

Surely you jest Wes.

He says there is always a motive for someone to do something.
A means to an end.
A case of quid pro quo.
The rich donate money to get tax breaks.
Everyone takes a bite out of the pie of life, always taking what they can when they can.
It's madness- but it is dog-eat-dog world.
This is the world we thrive in.

Is it? Truly?
(I beg to differ. I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! This apple of discord has been stuck in my throat for quite sometime now. I am not about to choke on it and I am ready to spit it out!!)

Do-gooders are alive and well on this earth.
There aren't as many much as God would have liked- but be that as it may, they abound.
I've found my views to be augmented by a lot of the little nice everyday things that has happened to me in my lifetime.

I've been lost and found with the help of complete strangers.

I've found solace, often unsought but readily (and generously given) in my friends.

Most of all, family has been the staggering lifeblood of my idealism.

So yes.

Do-gooders do exist. They co-exist with the hoi polloi- but, they exist.
From a simple tube-hopping spree to a cabbie who spills strange love advice at four in the morning (It's not only Gwen Stefani singing to that tune!!!) SO- Yes baby: It's all good. The last Bank Holiday weekend, after a visit to the Bunster's digs, I got off the Jubilee line and found that the train I was supposed to catch was cancelled the last minute and there would be no more trains for the night. It was almost 11 and I panicked. (Being me.) And 2 guys named Dipam and Chris helped me figure out how to get home. They reassured me that it would be ok as they helped me look at the train scheds and kept telling me to relax. They even offered to bring me to a nearby pub for a drink and ascertained I'd get home safe and sound.

This is kindness. Is it not?

I am as normal as any other person. I choose to live my life each day with the thought that I pass this way but once, whatever good I can do, let me do so wholeheartedly. Having said that, I'm no angel. (Far from it!!!) Make no mistake, very much like the next person, I have done some things in the past that I have learned from since. I still become short-sighted. I do have a tendency to dwell too much on a problem before asking for help, and sometimes my impatience gets the worst of me.

If what Wes has said is true, then I shall be stuck in single zone.
(Which is just as well because I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else.)

Last night as I rested my weary self on my bed, very close to midnight lucidity, I thought- what was it that made people think the way they did? We are all unique of course, but as we grow more into ourselves, we lose sight of child-like hopefulness. Was there meant to be an inverted relation between maturity and hope? I daresay not!!!

I grew up in the Fil-Chi Jungle, with a single mom who was a Buddhist stalwart, but I have the indelible marks of an individual who was raised in a Catholic environment. (Guilt is a Catholic trademark, haha!) When my stepdad married my mom, the equation became more dynamic. Their union intensified my staunch beliefs in happy endings. My stepdad is an individual who can hold his liquor with equal ease as spewing words of wisdom that become deeply embedded into your personhood. He is agnostic and has always taught my siblings and I that our word was our bond. His dogma was to always choose to do good and consciously not step on anyone. That and that coffee and cake should never be take out of anyone's diets!!!

My friend Cindy has always said that for all my imperfections, I am good-intentioned. (I confirm this.) But she also says, along with my mommy, that I am overly optimistic. Am I? It is an inner debate I often have and still and all, the conclusion I've come to is a resounding 'NO.'

I don't feel that I am extremely idealistic. I am far from the fairy tale princess. But my mixed upbringing made me open to happy ever after.

Which brings me to the focal point of this entry/inquiry -
Am I in for a major disappointment because I know what I want? That I am unwilling to settle for just anyone?

Is it an impossibility to seek someone who will make me a better person than my existing mold? I've fallen in love with someone who has given me everything but took away freedom to grow and express myself. I will never make that mistake again. The blinders have come undone long since and my major inner workings are all set. Just the general tweaking once in a while. Although I still have some undecideds to settle. In my own time, I am in no hurry.

On my checklist is DEFINITELY someone with the OOMPH!

"Forever" maybe in the horizon but will not always be obvious at the initial meeting. (I've found that it takes time for forever to come into the equation, but that when it does, it's that definitive 'you-just-know' moment frozen beautifully in time.)

Definitely someone who can disarm my defenses with a smile at a drop of a hat, but make me feel that his kindness is unparalleled and longstanding.

My dating mettle is undisputed. and has withstood a wide spectrum of men. I have made confidences/ collaborations of most, if not all. On the outset, the rule is simply fun + exchange oratorical cheekiness during the getting-to-know-you stage. If we both get enough laugh-out-loud moments then we level-up. If not, then things get stuck on an even keel. Keeling with kindness is my term for it.

And he will come. I believe that he's close. Closer than close I can feel him. And with him there will be no keel- the Leonine idealist is in place and simply awaiting the smile that will do the definitive hat-drop.

(Schwing!)

Greenwich

Went out with a new found friend (NFF) yesterday. We met at noontime and sauntered off to East London and took advantage of the amazing sun. It was just too gorgeous for words. We took the DLR tube with the steady flow of weekend commuters. Thank heavens. I find that am always a bit excited to go to the banking district on weekends. Maybe because I've lived in the Southwest and Northern part that I always truly look forward to sights not oft seen. The wharfy side (minus all the suits hustling and bustling about!) on a weekend was truly a sight to behold. It had been the docks in the olden days and has become the new financial district. Funnily enough NFF didn't like bankers because initial exposure to the lot had been in a wedding, playing plus1 in the midst of HK-based bankers. I don't know what put him off, as he said they were very standoffish. I think the groom had been Cantonese as well so I reckon the language barrier didn't help one bit. On my end, I have met a couple of people who worked in finance and I would have to say that the ones I've met have been pretty cool and down-to-earth.

NFF & I got off our stop and walked into the very quaint town of Greenwich.

Home to the GMT, zero degrees latitude.

Walked to the sight of the Cutty Sark which is still undergoing renovation because of a fire that destroyed it early this year. We walked around and settled into the Coach and Horses for late lunch. I had baked cod and lentils with a side of spinach washed down with free-flowing Pimm's.



Lunch was great. We did more walking and settled onto the lawn for some ice cream and latte. I couldn't help but keep looking up seeing how the sun rarely makes an appearance this intently here in Europe.

Greenwich was the perfect place for a sun sighting. And a great NFF who had a fair grasp of history and geography made it all the more wonderful.

We made a move to Camden after and I imbibed in the bohemian vibe of the place. It was just too much. The artsy Camden.

Postcard from Beijing

a postcard from my sibling & sis-in-law from Beijing Olympics!!!


x

IF

by R Kipling

--

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Backward Bender- BEWARE!!!

I've never been a backward bender. It goes beyond the dictates of my idealistic and fiery Leonine psyche!!!

I don't know why but I know that although the road to 'happy ending' may seem long and winding-- I can ascertain that my happy ending is written in the stars, almost like the inevitable BIG BANG. I don't rush. I bide my time.

In this age, it seems hopeless romantics are a dying breed. No one accepts the ideologies of old-fashioned romance. Everyone rants on and on and on about the practicalities of life and love. (Ugh!) For me, It simply doesn't add up. Practicality VS Love...two lifelines that will always be parallel in my book.

When a person has sat in the solo corner for as long as I have, it's easy to get used to the wonders of independent single-blessedness. And when one has been hurt that way I have, 'be careful' is the buzzword. It's easier to believe that the right person is never gonna come along anymore. Perchance this is a reality-- but a quick snap of a finger changes everything. FATE is never predictable (I reiterate that fate's a SHE!!!) Just like that. I decided tonight to start being less afraid and to take more chances, and channel into the beautiful hopefulness that is the future while being a tad mindful about mistakes done in the past. Despite daunting possibilities, LOVE happens. (IT does happen.) Someone comes along and asks to share your corner with you...pray-tell, what's a leo to do? Something someone told me tonight has renewed my beliefs in the thrills of forgotten romance.

Stalwart that I am, I have decided to give it a go and BELIEVE. I know it's the only plausible way to heal, to take the chance and be out there.

Thinking back now, I have come to terms with my past and all in all, I don't regret any of it. I had to have the pain, because I knew I couldn't see myself growing old with my ex. He wasn't 'the one.'

Ry told me today that my fun mien makes people see what they want to see. A woman-child who wants to have fun. And this fun facade is really not a fault. It's a strength. Because my openness and easiness in my skin defines me. He says I shouldn't change. Would be a shame if I did. Because a girl who knows what she wants is never a bad thing. RyanQuote- To get what you want is 1 in a million and you're not increasing your chances by not exploring your choices. A girl has to go through a few bad relationships or experiences for her to appreciate the awesome ONE that comes along!

Macy Grey calls ours the Sexual Revolution. Our millennium's been defined as the age of fair game. I am very much against casual relationships. The very tempted albeit unwilling player. I am so afraid that i might meet the one while I'm in this casual relationship and it'll be complicated that I'll end up missing my chance with him. That thought of it all is just not a risk I'm willing to take. I want to be free when I meet him. And the idea of compromising my shot by being with someone for the sake of companionship goes beyond my beliefs where romance is concerned. Loneliness is not an easy path to tread. But I always believe in taking it a step at a time. Just one date. To see if that one date would progress into another one. All that I look for is a chance to have a conversation with someone for the first time. To see his heart. Not too much to ask. It's not a sell out. Neither is it a sell short ((AKA selling one's self short!) Because I've always known what I want. I know being with someone less than ideal is a TRAVESTY in itself. I'd still rather be lonely than sorry. My luck in love was knowing at a young age the fulfillment of being in deep relationships so I can all but ascertain that second-best just won't cut it...why bother with less than best when you know that nagging feeling that you've settled won't do you any good?

Despite being in a series of one-date wonders and being called a cold-hearted gargoyle recently, I am a firm believer in old-fashioned romance. I can't turn a blind eye and lower my standards because anything less than ideal will not bring me the happiness that I seek. I won't be happy with secondbest. I know that love, the real kind...takes a while. Things have to fall into the proper X-marks and there will be no warning bells sounding off. I just know what I want and at the end of it all, I know it makes me better because I'm not settling. But having said that, I also believe in doing myself a favour. Because lightning does strike, doesn't it? The idea of finding the one is forged in my mind. Someone who will see me for what i am deep down, who understands why I've chosen to be single for as long as i have, why I stuck it out alone. Singlehood isn't without its challenges, but it isn't without its perks either.

The quest for the ONE is ON!!!

to you

Dear S

I woke up, dreaming of you again. Only you. Always you.

In my dream we were in a huge, huge house inside a massive room with a brown door. I was going out through the back and you were coming in from outside and you saw me instantly. You gave me a sad, lingering look and suddenly looked away. But 5 seconds after, you were running and you flew into my arms. I could feel you as I felt a tug in my heart and woke up. It had felt so real. The hug felt so real that I roused with tears in my eyes. That saying, I woke up at half past five this morning, more awake than I've been since I came from Wales.

Four years have come and gone and I can't get you out of my mind. Believe me because although I try, I feel you are locked in my putaway heart and there's so much that I remember. The moments we had were all firsts for me. And I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Not a million times more than myself but I just hope that you do. There is still so much that remains to be said and I find that I'm just gonna lose you and all our memories together. We had both been children. In our own ways. Stuck in our worlds. I remember holding you. Loving you. Having you.

Yes I remember.

I just can't switch on and off the way people say. The memories are just too vivid to be forgotten and they manifest themselves sometimes that in the end, I'm just blindsided.

The sadness comes less and less now, but still it hits and when it does- believe you me, it hits hard and I yearn for you. I am momentarily lost and in panic until I come to grips with reality and lock you up again. It is never an easy feeling admitting ones faults, and having you was never a bad thing...but leaving you was. I haven't allowed anyone into my heart since you. And I don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so again.

I'm gonna find a way to you one day.

好事多磨 。。。

I remember reading this poem in middle school. It was given to me by Kristine. She was a batch higher than I and had been my troopmaster when I was uhmmm...a girl scout (it was a mandatory thing!!!) and we continually corresponded until she graduated valedictorian in 1993. She said she read it somewhere and wanted to encourage my growing fascination for poetry. Thinking back now, Kristine had the makings of a modern philosopher. I remember sending her Rossetti's "Remember" a few days before when I had written her a letter. She was in a (BIG) way an individual who was quite instrumental in shaping my love for reflection. (Shall we hit her on the head with a 2L Evian bottle? ha ha!) One of the things I remember about my deep friendships with people way back when was that it fueled my love for old-fashioned correspondence. Rudiments of penned romance, wouldn't you say? The limitless topics shared would freely ebb and flow leaving the receiver with a lot to think and write about, much to the other's chagrin. I have always been a bit more romantic than the normal femme and in my words I felt I was more alive with expression. My mom did say that I was a bit of a recluse when I was a child, I think I retreated into the world of books and let my imagination go wild whenever I had the chance!

Although my brain is not on its best behavior today, I do get my flash of brilliance after all... for despite sheer exhaustion, the lines of the belowmentioned poem found its way into my pscyhe.


''AFTER A WHILE..."

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstall 1971)


A friend had told me a few days ago that I was quite cold-hearted and/or insensitive, I just found myself stunned. He said my heart held on to the past too damn much that it made me not see all the beautiful possibilities of the future. But he's wrong. I do see. I have hope. And I believe. I can't switch on and off just like that (I have oft wished that I could, but I haven't as of this writing turned into an automaton). Feelings are what make us unique. Our feelings are our internal footprints. Over the course of time, they may fade, but if we look close enough we will see that all the markings that led to our beautiful ending began with each of those faded footsteps.

I am on my way to my beautiful ending...so close that I can smell it. It will be a triumph from that fateful day of October 31 2004. Almost four years that I rallied with a flicker of positivity whilst feeling the defeat drowning out hope. But I am here now. Better than ever. Fine tuned but far from perfect.

We do learn with every goodbye. We crystallize all the good memories and lock them away, and the not-so-good...we just well, we siimply give ourselves all the time we need till we learn to live with them.

張口結舌 。。。

(The One where the MN Cabbie gives agentS surreal love advice!!!)


CABBIE What's a nice gal like you doing with 2 men at 4 in the morning？

SADRINA (tired quizzical look。。。) Well, I'm sharing your cab with my friends。 Is this a crime?

CABBIE Did you have a nice time at your friend's？

SADRINA （smiles) The best! Do you only do all-nighter shifts？

CABBIE Yes I do。。。 most of the time。。。

SADRINA Maybe I should take your number in case I need a trustie cabbie at 4 in the morning？ What do you say？

CABBIE Of course. But。。。if I may say。。。

SADRINA You may。。。 go on。。。

CABBIE I heard you speak to both blokes and I am just wondering why you're with the bloke beside you and not with the one beside me？

SADRINA 《ano daw?》 I don't get what you mean. Both are friends and are nice people.

CABBIE Then obviously you're with the wrong 'friend'

SADRINA 《not speaking but thinking “Ano ba pakealaman ba ang buhay ko？？？''》

CABBIT Just that your tone with the one beside me was very adult. And the one beside you was a bit。。。

《and the door opens!》

Makialam ba? Alas kuwatro ng umaga???

A tribute to being Y-O-U

One of the nicest individuals I've ever had the pleasure of working in close proximity is our part-time deputy [A]. She was, initially, a scary 40-ish Englishwoman in mine eyes when I started working in PS but has gone on to become one of my confidantes cum chatmate in the office. We talk about everything under the sun, from my former flatemate who I miss to pieces till now (a HUGE shoutout to you Oishi-san!!!) to my hits & misses with men in jolly ol Londra. We share so much laughter and her wit is to die for! It all started when I bought her what she calls, 'the perfect banana.' (Oomph!) After that, we have had on occasion had to work together on some projects and ultimately would talk about life, love & the lot. I tell her all my mishaps with men and she tells me to 'bring it on!' She says that men in these parts never really talk to the girl and it is the girl who does the asking out. Whilst I am not anymore fresh off the boat having been in the country a little over ten months, the whole aspect of asking someone out is still not something I can easily do. I can readily tell Jules to ask out the I.T. guy she's crushing on and give her a blow-by-blow of to-dos, but ultimately, this is an ardous task that I feel isn't me. [A] would always tell me that if I wanted to get anywhere with these boys, I simply had to do one thing- ASK.

Last Friday, as we took turns drowning in hordes of paperwork, we decided to up the ante by chatting about the travails of dating. She told me that I was a very fascinating find. (Indeed?!?) The fact that my personhood came into question was unexpected, albeit appreciated. I didn't get what she was saying initially, but she took it to heart to explain very plaintively that she was an Englishwoman, purely born and raised here, with nary a doubt; whilst I was predominantly Chinese in looks and virtue (more or less). And I didn't look anything like the typical Mainland arrival (since I wasn't!), yet every nook and cranny of me was screamingly Oriental. But the insides of me was discovery du jour from the get-go and no one would be able to size me up down pat with a look. She intimated further that although I was born in Pinas, I didn't look anything like the clientele she had come across at work either; and conversations with me would obviously show that my influences were very American. She said she could imagine how endlessly fascinating all that would be to anyone from here.

Admittedly she had made quite a salient point. Although I've always been easy in my skin, undoubtedly proud and unembarrassed by my mixed heritage, it is easy to see how being esconced as one of em everday statistic here, leads one to believe I am as normal as the next person. And to a degree, I am. At the end of the day, we all go to the toilet, don't we?

I told Cindy about it as she helped me packed and I realized that my legacy was never something I fully appreciated until [A] made mention of this special quality. Cin said that it was a very positive thing to verbalize. And that I must have made an impression on my colleague.

It gets me thinking that all this is magnified because I am here. Back home, I always thought I was like the next person in my clique. All Tsinays who work by days and party on weekends. We live with our family, spend their money and never have to budge an inch where housework is concerned. (Does that make us brats, I wonder?) Or does it make us blinder than most? I honestly have no answer. But looking at me know, in all humility, I think I've managed to claw myself away from the rudiments of parent-dependence and ironically, this has brought me closer to my mommy and daddy. I still can't cook to save my life, although I do cook to save myself from hunger. I don't drive a car anymore, but I get to my destination nonetheless. I worry about budgeting and scrimping, and shopping weekly has become an absentee habit which I don't think about anymore. When my mommy calls to ask how I'm doing, I always say I'm well, despite the fact that I'm really wishing she'd hand over some, the way she used to do back when I lived with them. All these changes have brought me to where I am, closer to independence and inches away from all the easy fun I used to be so accustomed to.

I am where God wants me to be, being the individual He wishes me to be. That much I know because that is basically all that matters.

the binge connection

these stores save my ass when i'm in dire need of the sweet stuff.

Random thoughts of Superstardom (AKA a tribute to Melissa)

Ｕn。
Deux。
Trois。
Quatre。
Cinq。
Six。
Sept。
Huit。
Neuf。
Dix。
-


Now say this with loud-out laughter & you will be where I am when I woke up this morning. A friend of mine and I had language swap last night. It makes me laugh at the memory. French VS Chinese... does it get any better than this? Albeit a little bit o' shy (shy ka jan), I have always embraced anything unknown as a positive thing, lodging it into my Folder of Character Building, preferring to see it as something that adds rather than an insurmountable b**ch of a task. I always said I would learn to speak a European language and maybe my time has come. I am officially a polyglot-in-training.


When I woke up yesterday, counting to ten in French was something I would never have thought of. Till I had a random thought last night. Why not learn? (Twas like being with Nicole, I had bits & bobs of Italian flying in & out of our conversations, and at least now I can say I can swear like an Italian bystander!!! Hahaha)

My mom who is my best friend wonders in amazement till now how she managed to sire a Tsinay with such banana-ish thoughts. The proud Fil-Chi (i always think Flip-Chi hahaha). She & all my relatives wondered how I had grown in such close proximity with both my siblings yet be so individualized in my mental packaging. It is a study of contrasts that I am an open book...and the biggest fluke of it all was that although I had managed to find someone who was crazy-attracted to me, in the 7-8 years that we were together, I wasn't able to snag him to fall in love with my beautiful-strange mind. And in the end, it was what made all the (IN)difference really. One time, casually, a cousin of mine who I stayed with for a few whilst visiting the then shopping capital of the orient (can you say Hong Kong?) had told me that I was sort of the cousin from Pinas that my aunts would carry on in hushed whispers. Yes, that piece of sh** was me. (Think Joy Luck Club!) They all knew me by reputation, as the 'wild one.' (I feel this is sort of exaggerated. Really. No. Really.) Intrinsically, I sort of built that reputation because of the way I carried myself in and out of everyday life. It is a strange battle of inner angels, I reckon. Thinking back to my childhood, I really did read too much, think too much and talk too little. My thoughts relegated to the backroom of my mind, shielded and protected...and this profundity came out when I decided to write them down.

In my youth, I remembered being bothered by my thoughts. I think being a voracious reader at such a young age really made all the OOMPAH in me.

Today I received a box of clothes and goodies from my mom. My birthday comes in a fortnight & I am warmed by her gifts. Everyone at work says I am lucky to have a mom like mine. They don't have to say so. I know so. My mom is cool like that. There is nothing I don't tell her & there is no one who comes before her. She is truly my best friend. The only superstar I bow to. (Leos dont bow...I'm the queen!)

Slow and Steady.

WELCOME TO HANGOVER ZONE!!! was the signage on my thought bubble when I roused this morning. Much to my misbegotten chagrin, at approximately ten to 8, I told myself I will never walk the drunken path again! (Right.) Once again, who was I kidding? I loved the cider and all that down & dirtydancing. (So it was a gay-friendly pub & I was acting so gay that people might have thought I was a transvestite...my gay friends rock...) But all that gay-talk aside, i had a B-L-A-S-T!!! Who cares, Rodney my personal gay-dar extraordinaire loved my dancing. (Just to say it's Saturday morning as I write this, so I'm not drunk anymore, but I haven't answered any call of nature so technically the alcohol is IN!!!)

I went to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks for a Skinny Latte perk me upper (extra shot of espresso if you please!!!) and was told by my very friendly Starbucks lady that "you are lucky to be the very pretty one, not like me...I am ugly."

Uhm.

What a simplistic overgeneralization. Because I always laugh and exchange pleasantries with her, she is somewhere in my comfort zone. But still. What am I to make of that statement? Where do i start?

Should I tell her Royal Slovakness that this Oriental (l)ass has been a singleton before the Summer Olympics commenced in Athens four years ago?

Or that I've dated enough froggies to fill my entire sitting room and Mr Prince Charming is still M.I.A. (missing in action)? I just keep missing him, but I blame this on train delays so terribly rampant in everyday Londra.




Pray-tell how should I begin to tell her? That my mindset now was a work in progress because I had to start at the bottom.

Like i said, my internal Leonine sunshine makes people quickly jump to the assumption that my life is more interesting than it really is. It is easy for people I know to think that I date left & right and that I have it so easy in this city. They forget that the grass is always greener on their side. In actual fact, life has never been harder and the jump to responsibility and maturity has never been as/more necessary. Forced to good is the apt term. Make no mistake though, I don't think it is bad thing to be force-fed good things. As I've said, they came to find me in their own time (well unlike Prince Charming, they don't seem to be affected by train delays). But here I am now, More responsible, more mature, more reflective, more open & happier...saner... taking it all in one big step at a time. (I was taking baby steps when I landed!)

When I think of that innocent not-so-little soul I left at home, I feel I've changed so much in so little time. I wonder how my parents would feel seeing me now. I still have a lot to figure out but I do have a huge die in my psyche that tells me how many jumps I can make at this turn and have little bits of clues that cajole me to move further on. Jamie always told me I should listen more to what my heart tells me because it is from a very good and pure place. Cin always tells me that my instincts about people are very good but I have to make that step to be more confident about trusting myself. Bunny always tells me I'm the big little gal who's still unassuming and overly optimistic, but i feel i am less so now.

Why all these thoughts? All from one statement said in Starbucks as I waited my turn to be served a skinny latte?

My generally (over?)reflective self found this essay online. It is one of the things I seek out from time to time because of its timeless message. Have a read if you get a chance. Long but definitely worth the read. Kent Nerburn never got it soooo right. I can tell him one thing, reading this at different stages in my life has made the definitive mark. When I was with Mr Wrong some years ago, all I could think of was, ''It's not like this. Why not?" And I left. Now all I can think of is- It will be like this the next time. One of these days, the trains will be on time and I will find him. And i will think that the Olympics in Athens was merely yesterday...the Beijing Olympics starts very very very soon. *Wink*

Happy Birthday to my wonderboy Alex.

Ahhhh...Alex.

When I'm with Alex, I'm sure to be at the George & Dragon. While I am far from my ultra outgoing self here in Londra (my disclaimer is that I am not in Pinas anymore!), I must say that the gay-friendly vibe gets me going. The rain was very daunting but I found myself in Old Street, happily to celebrate a rainy day birthday for someone who's provided me with his ray of sunshine this side of the planet.

I will always remember Alex because he encouraged me to find my writer persona. Even helped me get printed on the broadsheet. Not once. Not twice. Thrice!! (Count 'em!!!)

I love ya Alex. Many happy returns today and bon viaje as you find the next chapter of your life in the Far East.

Walk on my good man.

Things that Make Me Go Mmmmm 。。。

(Or to be more spot-on: He kissed me!!!)


I was kissed.

(Now say this in ClueDo fashion and it will sound like the way it is going in my head)
By a stranger. Out of the blue. In the Victoria station. With his lips.


I was stunned!!!


A complete stranger?


Yes.


A bloody good-looking bloke. (But still...)


I stood there stunned.


He came to me and gave me a huge smile. Kissed both my cheeks. Took my left hand in both of his, kissed it too.


Then smiled again. Then walked away.


I was still standing in the same spot 20 seconds later.


The attendant (who looked like a Jamaican) saw the whole thing, looked at me and said, "I'm guessing you don't know him?"


I shook my head vehemently. "Never seen him before in my life."


And she said, ''He was cute. And it's ok. Your boyfriend don't see...if he did, it's trouble..."


Say what?!?


Sing it with me now... You must remember this... A kiss is just a kiss.... (despite being stolen?)

Apparently for the attendant lady, that is a Y-E-S!!!